To return to the spiritual man who took a yoga class last week, he said that when people are found having been buried under rubble for a week or even longer, the press often refer to it as a "miracle". It is not a miracle, he said. We can all survive for a week or more without food or water. The reason why people survive is that their spirit is strong. I mentioned this to my husband and he said, "Well, people panic. That's why they die." But, it does goes to resiliency, I think. Some people are extraordinarily strong. Awful things can happen to them but they seem able to overcome them.
I happened to catch a BBC radio show just now about depression. Researchers were trying to uncover the reasons why some people are resilient and some people fall down to depression. It is a subject that absolutely fascinates me and I have spoken to several people about it. My third child was born with a number of issues and I was told he would never go to a regular school. An American psychologist told me this when my son was three years old and it put me off psychology for nearly 20 years. My husband said it was hogwash and that I should just pretend I never heard that statement but I confess it shook me to the core. Anyway, we just proceeded to educate him like the other children, mindful that there were issues and undoubtedly I gave him an extra dose of my time and attention and of course I found experts to give him the necessary intervention therapies.
He graduated from school a few years ago, was a senior member of the outdoor program; Captain of his summer sport. His marks didn't enable him to go straight into a degree course but he did a diploma course and got very good marks which earned him a sideways transfer into the Degree course. Initially, that was rough. He failed a few subjects but once he realized the expectations he knuckled down and next time it was all Distinctions and Credits. He wants to be part of the industry based program and he has been for an interview - just missed out because one other candidate had experience already in that particular field. It didn't bother him. Whatever happens, he never ever gets depressed. If something doesn't work out, he immediately figures out how to overcome the hurdle. I have huge admiration for this quality. I wish I could bottle and sell his resilience.
The theory goes that if you have had a bout of depression, you are more likely to have another episode. I definitely had post-breastfeeding depression, as I call it. I was blissfully happy after the birth of my fourth child until he one day decided he didn't want to feed from my breast. He simply turned his head away and that was that. I was dumbfounded. For 8 months, he had fed from my breasts several times a day. He had a sucking action that none of the other children had and I would sit there having multiple orgasms every day of my life, usually four times a day. And then, one day it was all over. Chemical changes in my body, I think, led to depression.
My husband tried to seek help from some helpline he located but the woman who answered left him with the impression that it was all his fault and that confused him all the more. I continued with life. I wasn't stuck in my bed or anything but I just wasn't getting joy out of my life. It probably is worth bearing in mind that I had, as well as the baby, three children in primary school, a husband doing an MBA and no help whatsoever from family members. That could have had something to do with it too. Fortunately, after a few months the depression lifted of its own accord.
When I try to imagine what it was like to have depression, I can't recall it or imagine it in any detail. I do know that many days I felt listless and I recall walking into the laundry one day and looking at all I had to do and imagined the work of climbing Mt. Everest. To call a spade a spade, I was seriously overworked; relentless work that started at dawn and didn't end til last thing at night, and then I'd wake up the next day and do it all over again. Although I loved my children fiercely, the job of motherhood was eating at my marrow. It was sometimes my own resilience and determination to get through those years (in spite of the depressive episode) that kept me going, I think.
Last year, nearly 15 years after the first episode of depression, I reached a point where it was becoming clear to me that I was depressed and fearing it, I chose to begin psychological counseling (which turned out to be a kind of cognitive behaviour therapy approach) So, where was my resilience? What had taken me to this point? Well, remember, I speak now in hindsight. I can't remember all my thoughts of 12 months ago. But, this is what I think happened. For a few years by then, I had had some wonderful SM moments; some of the best moments of my life. Somehow, that made the lows all the more low for me. If my husband or my mentor was at odds with me; if they were disappointed with me; if they were angry with me; I hit an all time low. Of course, good times would return. Stability would come. But, it was that see-saw approach of life that was really overwhelming me.
When I entered therapy I told my psychologist that I wanted to just live happily and calmly but also to have the very good times. She once told me that I was incredibly lucky; that almost no one else had these incredible moments of elation like I was describing. But, without being able to explain it then, though I can explain it to you now, I wanted to experience the same highs but in an environment where I felt more stability. I didn't want to give up the highs but I did want to say goodbye to the lows; those dreadful occurrences where I felt that I made someone else so mad with me.
It bothers me that I can give no clear cut advice to those suffering depression, but then again, the English researchers on the BBC didn't have answers either. I once was depressed. I am no longer depressed and yet, I can't express the process of recovery exactly - although perhaps there are some answers in my journal entries of the past eight months or so (I rarely re-read here).
For me, I think it was about gaining some autonomy. As someone who clearly has a submissive personality I tended to give too much of myself away and my psychologist steered me towards doing something for myself. When we isolated 'writing' as something I had always wanted to do, she wouldn't let the bone go. One day, I said that I had identified the course I wanted to do but that I would wait for 2012 to commence.
"Oh no you don't! You are enrolling right now!!"
I thought it was bossy and a bit pushy but you and I both know that I respond to that and enrol immediately, I did. Whatever depression I was experiencing seemed to lift almost immediately. It was as if, by virtue of finally doing something that turned my frontal lobes on, I was immediately cured. I equate this to ADD where if you allow a person to do the thing he or she really wants to do, concentration is virtually assured. Quite suddenly, I was on my way to having a totally happy life. I finally had some autonomy in my life.
Of course, it won't be a surprise to learn that my relationships are my lifeblood and so I also needed to ensure that I was pleasing; that the moments would be rare that I displeased; that I had the strength to put those moments in their proper place, too. I know it sounds cliche, but in embracing my training, all the training, I have developed skills that enable me to make both myself and those in my life happy. I can say better what I need and want. As if by magic, 'asking' is a piece of cake. My expectations are reasonable. Stability and accord reign. I don't try to control. I live in peace. I experience much joy.
I hear the medicos talking about depression as if there is a magic bullet they are yet to find. I believe that depression tends to occur when someone cannot cope. Teaching those people strategies to cope may help better than any medication could, at least in some circumstances. I think the author of 'Eat, Pray, Love' discovered that. Sure, the medication was important at first but she learned balance; how to look inside herself to find the answers to a happy life; how to give back to others and love them well; how to find autonomy and be close to someone at the same time.
This was the answer for me in large measure; to go on loving and caring as fiercely as I had always done but to refine my skills at communication; to re-gig my expectations; and as well, to leave aside some space for me to do those things that gave me great satisfaction and joy - learning, writing, the world of yoga and meditation; BDSM/objectification practices. They all sustain and fulfill me.
Of course, what I want out of life is individual to me and probably nothing to do with you. Each reader of these words will have their own goals and wishes for their life. This is entirely right. But, if you do suffer from depression or if life isn't as good as you would like it to be, it pays to think of this day as the first day on the path to the life you want. I think the first step is to acknowledge that there are people who can help you with skills and that you can help yourself by identifying exactly what you want. How do you want your life to look this time next year?
I happened to catch a BBC radio show just now about depression. Researchers were trying to uncover the reasons why some people are resilient and some people fall down to depression. It is a subject that absolutely fascinates me and I have spoken to several people about it. My third child was born with a number of issues and I was told he would never go to a regular school. An American psychologist told me this when my son was three years old and it put me off psychology for nearly 20 years. My husband said it was hogwash and that I should just pretend I never heard that statement but I confess it shook me to the core. Anyway, we just proceeded to educate him like the other children, mindful that there were issues and undoubtedly I gave him an extra dose of my time and attention and of course I found experts to give him the necessary intervention therapies.
He graduated from school a few years ago, was a senior member of the outdoor program; Captain of his summer sport. His marks didn't enable him to go straight into a degree course but he did a diploma course and got very good marks which earned him a sideways transfer into the Degree course. Initially, that was rough. He failed a few subjects but once he realized the expectations he knuckled down and next time it was all Distinctions and Credits. He wants to be part of the industry based program and he has been for an interview - just missed out because one other candidate had experience already in that particular field. It didn't bother him. Whatever happens, he never ever gets depressed. If something doesn't work out, he immediately figures out how to overcome the hurdle. I have huge admiration for this quality. I wish I could bottle and sell his resilience.
The theory goes that if you have had a bout of depression, you are more likely to have another episode. I definitely had post-breastfeeding depression, as I call it. I was blissfully happy after the birth of my fourth child until he one day decided he didn't want to feed from my breast. He simply turned his head away and that was that. I was dumbfounded. For 8 months, he had fed from my breasts several times a day. He had a sucking action that none of the other children had and I would sit there having multiple orgasms every day of my life, usually four times a day. And then, one day it was all over. Chemical changes in my body, I think, led to depression.
My husband tried to seek help from some helpline he located but the woman who answered left him with the impression that it was all his fault and that confused him all the more. I continued with life. I wasn't stuck in my bed or anything but I just wasn't getting joy out of my life. It probably is worth bearing in mind that I had, as well as the baby, three children in primary school, a husband doing an MBA and no help whatsoever from family members. That could have had something to do with it too. Fortunately, after a few months the depression lifted of its own accord.
When I try to imagine what it was like to have depression, I can't recall it or imagine it in any detail. I do know that many days I felt listless and I recall walking into the laundry one day and looking at all I had to do and imagined the work of climbing Mt. Everest. To call a spade a spade, I was seriously overworked; relentless work that started at dawn and didn't end til last thing at night, and then I'd wake up the next day and do it all over again. Although I loved my children fiercely, the job of motherhood was eating at my marrow. It was sometimes my own resilience and determination to get through those years (in spite of the depressive episode) that kept me going, I think.
Last year, nearly 15 years after the first episode of depression, I reached a point where it was becoming clear to me that I was depressed and fearing it, I chose to begin psychological counseling (which turned out to be a kind of cognitive behaviour therapy approach) So, where was my resilience? What had taken me to this point? Well, remember, I speak now in hindsight. I can't remember all my thoughts of 12 months ago. But, this is what I think happened. For a few years by then, I had had some wonderful SM moments; some of the best moments of my life. Somehow, that made the lows all the more low for me. If my husband or my mentor was at odds with me; if they were disappointed with me; if they were angry with me; I hit an all time low. Of course, good times would return. Stability would come. But, it was that see-saw approach of life that was really overwhelming me.
When I entered therapy I told my psychologist that I wanted to just live happily and calmly but also to have the very good times. She once told me that I was incredibly lucky; that almost no one else had these incredible moments of elation like I was describing. But, without being able to explain it then, though I can explain it to you now, I wanted to experience the same highs but in an environment where I felt more stability. I didn't want to give up the highs but I did want to say goodbye to the lows; those dreadful occurrences where I felt that I made someone else so mad with me.
It bothers me that I can give no clear cut advice to those suffering depression, but then again, the English researchers on the BBC didn't have answers either. I once was depressed. I am no longer depressed and yet, I can't express the process of recovery exactly - although perhaps there are some answers in my journal entries of the past eight months or so (I rarely re-read here).
For me, I think it was about gaining some autonomy. As someone who clearly has a submissive personality I tended to give too much of myself away and my psychologist steered me towards doing something for myself. When we isolated 'writing' as something I had always wanted to do, she wouldn't let the bone go. One day, I said that I had identified the course I wanted to do but that I would wait for 2012 to commence.
"Oh no you don't! You are enrolling right now!!"
I thought it was bossy and a bit pushy but you and I both know that I respond to that and enrol immediately, I did. Whatever depression I was experiencing seemed to lift almost immediately. It was as if, by virtue of finally doing something that turned my frontal lobes on, I was immediately cured. I equate this to ADD where if you allow a person to do the thing he or she really wants to do, concentration is virtually assured. Quite suddenly, I was on my way to having a totally happy life. I finally had some autonomy in my life.
Of course, it won't be a surprise to learn that my relationships are my lifeblood and so I also needed to ensure that I was pleasing; that the moments would be rare that I displeased; that I had the strength to put those moments in their proper place, too. I know it sounds cliche, but in embracing my training, all the training, I have developed skills that enable me to make both myself and those in my life happy. I can say better what I need and want. As if by magic, 'asking' is a piece of cake. My expectations are reasonable. Stability and accord reign. I don't try to control. I live in peace. I experience much joy.
I hear the medicos talking about depression as if there is a magic bullet they are yet to find. I believe that depression tends to occur when someone cannot cope. Teaching those people strategies to cope may help better than any medication could, at least in some circumstances. I think the author of 'Eat, Pray, Love' discovered that. Sure, the medication was important at first but she learned balance; how to look inside herself to find the answers to a happy life; how to give back to others and love them well; how to find autonomy and be close to someone at the same time.
This was the answer for me in large measure; to go on loving and caring as fiercely as I had always done but to refine my skills at communication; to re-gig my expectations; and as well, to leave aside some space for me to do those things that gave me great satisfaction and joy - learning, writing, the world of yoga and meditation; BDSM/objectification practices. They all sustain and fulfill me.
Of course, what I want out of life is individual to me and probably nothing to do with you. Each reader of these words will have their own goals and wishes for their life. This is entirely right. But, if you do suffer from depression or if life isn't as good as you would like it to be, it pays to think of this day as the first day on the path to the life you want. I think the first step is to acknowledge that there are people who can help you with skills and that you can help yourself by identifying exactly what you want. How do you want your life to look this time next year?
Vesta, I like this post very much. It seems to be full of wisdom--hard won wisdom, based on what you say. We sometimes have to deal with depression here at our house, and the lessons you share offer good perspective. I'm going to recommend your post to my wife as well. Thanks for writing!
ReplyDeleteA great post. Depression isn't a choice, it's a medical condition. And I think you are right about medicines helping, but not being the answer, those come from inside!
ReplyDeleteI agree with everything you say! A lot of it does come down to poor coping skills. Some people might label depressed people as self-indulgent and whilst it does seem that way to an outsider, most depressed people just don't have the skills to cope with a bad day/setback/rejection etc.
ReplyDeleteI would also advice depressed people to accept their condition-to accept that they have it and adjust their life to it instead of wondering *why* they have depression, why they were so "unlucky" etc to get it in the first place etc.
These are the coping skills a depressed person needs, in my opinion:
1. CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) to sort out their distorted thinking patterns and to learn problem solving skills
2. Some type of relaxation, whether that is yoga, meditation, mindfulness, prayer, deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, visualisation.
3. Positive thinking does help when it comes to setbacks and disappointments as well as motivating oneself
4. Determination and hard work-you obviously have to work hard to apply these new coping skills and keep going especially when its difficult
5. Some type of support system-whether that be positive people around you, a therapist, a support group. It doesn't matter what form it takes, as long as you have something you can lean in on in hard times.
6. Clean diet i.e. natural foods only, no caffeine, sugar as these will mess with your mood levels. I would also say have small meals, dont overeat as this just makes you feel sluggish.
7. Exercise to boost energy levels, help you sleep and stay fit.
8. Water-technically this is diet but I don't think most people drink enough water and you can feel cranky when you're dehydrated.
9. Goals-you might feel bad *right now* but plan ahead of where you want to be (which is basically what you said Vesta in your last paragraph! :) )
I'm not against anti-depressants. Whilst they don't get to the root of the problem, they do give a depressed person the ability to sleep at night, stabilise their moods and appetite so they can begin to problem solve and move forward. I do think you should go to a doctor that you have a rapport with and a doctor that is thorough. I've been on a few different anti-depressants and whilst they're not a magic wand, there are some newer ones that have very few/no side effects at all and have helped me get out of depressed patches when I've just felt completely stuck/stagnant in my life.
I also found a 12 step programme good, the spiritual element in DBT (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy) may help people who find CBT a bit too clinical. There is person centred therapy also but it can be a bit too meandering at times so I do think CBT would be the best treatment for a depressed person. It is like tough love, harsh but it works.
Interesting that breastfeeding your youngest was such an erotic experience for you. My wife's breasts are highly erogenous zones for her yet she never gained pleasure from breastfeeding. Was it a pain thing for you? The feeling of being used?
ReplyDeleteI can fully relate to your inability to recall your depression in any detail. I can't recall mine either, nor the specific reasons why it happened. I was prescribed antidepressants, one of the more modern SNRI products, which helped with sleep and basic functioning but left me divorced from any real feeling. I recall struggling to connect with what I wanted or what I was afraid/worried about. 6 months of being totally zoned out. But at least I could haul my ass out of bed and hold down my job through a marriage break-up. I wonder now whether the depression or the drugs contributed to that break-up, though other significant factors were also in play. Perhaps the medication made me less able to see the problems clearly. I guess I'll never know.
I can recall feeling a lack of control and self esteem prior to my depression. My wife and I tried for many years for children without success and turned to IVF. This resulted in many more years of tragedy and hope as we swung through cycle after cycle of treatment and drained all our savings. The doctors were superb and very sympathetic but the entire process was exhausting and totally emasculating. But we got our first born from it, our precious son, so it felt churlish to complain. After my wife's PND and my efforts to care for her, our baby and to hold down a 45 hour per week job I needed a way to release my stress and I found release in triathlon training. I threw my body into 11 months of punishment that got me hooked on exercise endorphines. Coming down from that I kinda slid sideways into depression without realizing.
I've learned that good communication, social support networks and coping strategies are key to good mental health, and I see now that all were missing from my life at that time. I don't consider myself exceptionally weak or strong but without systems for support and feedback I think anyone can lose their balance.
Thanks for this thoughtful and insightful post.
Jake: Thank you and I hope the thoughts here are of some help to your wife. I know sometimes a thought I have read has made a big difference. By the way, I only just found your blog and I really enjoy it.
ReplyDeleteAnon: I appreciate your comment and I was interested to read about DBT. I read about that in the literature but I don't know very much about it. CBT makes sense to me because it asks you to challenge your thoughts which may well be irrational. It encourages you to speak your mind but in the most effective way.
The planning ahead notion you mention is exactly what I was trying to get across. I tend to think that if you can imagine a time into the future, you can start to plan for that today.
Very best of luck.
rollymo: I think sometimes people replace one intense experience for another and whilst I believe strongly in an exercise program, I also feel that a calm mind free of stress is the most important thing for me. I am glad to hear you are so much better now.