I managed to recall the happenings of a dream. The dream occurred two nights ago and when I woke I could remember it in some detail, which is very rare for me now. Alas, it wasn't a happy dream. I've been thinking about it on and off, trying to understand it.
It was a rather simple dream and probably happened within a few seconds. It was, fundamentally, an email, or maybe it was a long google chat message; one or the other.
It seems clear that I had done something to piss the man off. He was really angry with me. His language was intense and for him, it was verbose. (I had a sense of who the message was from although no evidence that I could point to in the dream.) This was a message of two or three long paragraphs making note of all my transgressions; all the ways that I had let him down.
I cannot remember everything he wrote; not even close because nowadays I really do need my reading glasses to read the screen comfortably and in the dream I was having trouble making out all the words. However, I do recall that he said something like, "Sure, this is a M/s relationship but you are incapable of obedience and time and time again you have let yourself down..." I recall that particularly because I never ever thought of myself as being in a M/s situation so I thought it pretty amazing that he said that.
Then, at the very end of the message he wrote something about the fact that he had had enough of me. And, when he said all that he wanted to say, he didn't say anything like, "Goodbye and good wishes". He said, "The end." I don't think you can get any more definite and final than those words and that is what he wrote.
The dream woke me instantly and I lay there thinking about what I had done. It took me quite some time before I could convince myself that I had received no such message. It all seemed so real and my sense of an 'out of body/confused experience seemed so real too.
I felt rejected; dejected; an abject failure and for a time I berated myself that I had behaved so badly as for this to be the outcome. Finally, I convinced myself the experience was nothing more than a dream conjured out of my own head.
I think the dream relates to a number of issues actually; a bunch of insecurities and little worries that my mind must have held onto and then decided it would expunge by dreaming them away. I won't bore you by going into all that here except to say that I felt myself torn by opposing thoughts.
In the same way as I wrestle with the value of being completely truthful versus the notion of keeping my own council and sorting out my issues myself so as not to bother the dominant, so I wrestle with the disparate ideas of forging a treasured relationship with the dominant versus the fear that to expose myself for all that I am - (the strengths and the weaknesses) is to expose myself to his ultimate judgement that I don't measure up. It can seem such a fine line between a truly special bond and a bond that is torn asunder and that can relate (in my subconscious mind) to the fact that I am not necessarily aware of my mistakes and thus they can occur randomly and spontaneously; almost out of the blue. The opportunities to not impress can seem infinite.
Of course, this all speaks to my fragility; something I try never to put on show (outside of these pages) and to my inner knowledge that I have so much to learn. Oddly, the dream has encouraged me to behave well and to do those things that allow me to take care of myself to the best of my ability, not so much because I believe I can expect such an angry message from anyone at all, but because the sheer possibility of it has me preparing for its outcome in order to contain the devastating impact.
It was a rather simple dream and probably happened within a few seconds. It was, fundamentally, an email, or maybe it was a long google chat message; one or the other.
It seems clear that I had done something to piss the man off. He was really angry with me. His language was intense and for him, it was verbose. (I had a sense of who the message was from although no evidence that I could point to in the dream.) This was a message of two or three long paragraphs making note of all my transgressions; all the ways that I had let him down.
I cannot remember everything he wrote; not even close because nowadays I really do need my reading glasses to read the screen comfortably and in the dream I was having trouble making out all the words. However, I do recall that he said something like, "Sure, this is a M/s relationship but you are incapable of obedience and time and time again you have let yourself down..." I recall that particularly because I never ever thought of myself as being in a M/s situation so I thought it pretty amazing that he said that.
Then, at the very end of the message he wrote something about the fact that he had had enough of me. And, when he said all that he wanted to say, he didn't say anything like, "Goodbye and good wishes". He said, "The end." I don't think you can get any more definite and final than those words and that is what he wrote.
The dream woke me instantly and I lay there thinking about what I had done. It took me quite some time before I could convince myself that I had received no such message. It all seemed so real and my sense of an 'out of body/confused experience seemed so real too.
I felt rejected; dejected; an abject failure and for a time I berated myself that I had behaved so badly as for this to be the outcome. Finally, I convinced myself the experience was nothing more than a dream conjured out of my own head.
I think the dream relates to a number of issues actually; a bunch of insecurities and little worries that my mind must have held onto and then decided it would expunge by dreaming them away. I won't bore you by going into all that here except to say that I felt myself torn by opposing thoughts.
In the same way as I wrestle with the value of being completely truthful versus the notion of keeping my own council and sorting out my issues myself so as not to bother the dominant, so I wrestle with the disparate ideas of forging a treasured relationship with the dominant versus the fear that to expose myself for all that I am - (the strengths and the weaknesses) is to expose myself to his ultimate judgement that I don't measure up. It can seem such a fine line between a truly special bond and a bond that is torn asunder and that can relate (in my subconscious mind) to the fact that I am not necessarily aware of my mistakes and thus they can occur randomly and spontaneously; almost out of the blue. The opportunities to not impress can seem infinite.
Of course, this all speaks to my fragility; something I try never to put on show (outside of these pages) and to my inner knowledge that I have so much to learn. Oddly, the dream has encouraged me to behave well and to do those things that allow me to take care of myself to the best of my ability, not so much because I believe I can expect such an angry message from anyone at all, but because the sheer possibility of it has me preparing for its outcome in order to contain the devastating impact.
Vesta,
ReplyDeleteThere was a time when I would reflect at great lengths my dreams; however, over the years I have come to, in the best of my ability, let them go. In the words of Freud, "sometimes a cigar is just a cigar" and although our dreams can impact our waking lives, I try not to allow them to dominate me.
In my faith I look to dreams as a means of karma. I have spent numerous dreams cleaning and cleaning and cleaning. I clean so long and so hard that when I wake I am more tired than when I first went to sleep. I have been raped, murdered, cheated on and robbed in my dreams. I have also killed, damaged, stolen from others in my dream.
I do not believe our dreams are meaningless, on the contrary. However, sometimes I just think the dream itself is the lesson, is the experience and nothing more.
I hope your sleep tonight will be filled with dreams of joy and that fear disappears for at least a fortnight.
~a
Vesta,
ReplyDeleteIt's also rare that mouse can recall her dreams. Occasionally, once in a while. Most involve some sort of unfinished business she has to deal with.
Sometimes dreams do force us to look at ourselves more closely.
Hugs,
mouse
goodgirl: I've had the odd night over time where I was doing something all night - fighting in a war or trying to save the family or some such huge endeavor and it was completely exhausting. I don't know whether to take it as a good or bad sign that my sleep is fairly quiet these days and not much happens, at least that I can recall. Of course, this dream was directly related to my insecurities that I don't measure up in terms of being a "good, obedient submissive/toy/whatever word you prefer to use". I think in that dream there was even a sense that I really might as well just hang up my boots and accept I had failed at this. The dream is hanging about me. I may be taking it too seriously and perhaps I should be thankful that I remember so few dreams!
ReplyDeletemouse: "Unfinished business" is a good way to put it in terms of a vast majority of dreams. The mind is trying to sort it all out, I think.
sbo: Thank you for the compliment. I see that you are a sport betting site and somehow there must be a way to send in a sort of 'press release' to Yahoo News of your service. When I looked up various organisations lately in terms of getting an interview or statement, most organizations had a media area where you could ask such questions. Google them and then find a link for 'media questions' or 'new customers'; something like that. Good luck.