A fascinating discussion begun by Remittance Girl about the definition of pornography had me asking a similar question to her: Why do I write here? It was once suggested to me that I have such an inclination for "use" that I don't mind being used by total strangers and perverts (I'm sure the phrase was used in the nicest of ways).
It is true that if I wrote with no readers it wouldn't feel the same. Even if there are no comments at all, I can see from the stat counter that people are reading and it means something - though I don't really know what it means. I'm not at all an exhibitionist. I'm much more inclined to wear the outfit that allows me to blend in with the crowd. I'd like to think that I get a few admiring glances but I don't want people ogling me. I don't want that sort of attention.
I am willing to concede I may be a bit of a voyeur. I do so enjoy finding Tumblr photographs that turn me on. I enjoy artwork that has an erotic effect; words that have an erotic effect. I very much enjoy certain movies like 'Nine and half weeks' and 'Secretary' and 'Eyes Wide Shut' and even some songs can lull me into a sense of happiness; fulfilment, joy, arousal. So, if anything I am a voyeur of life and not at all an exhibitionist. Except for this darn web journal which keeps pulling me in.
I do write naughty things elsewhere now quite regularly and I don't have any desire to share that; just the writings here. And, you may or may not have noticed but I am being a bit more discriminating about what I post here. There is some sort of movement away from the need to share as much as I once did. I don't quite know what that is about since we're having a lot of fun in that bedroom of ours and my husband is very much more into taking control right now, which is incredibly satisfying.
Perhaps, I am more settled. Yet, the desire to write here hasn't stopped at all. I write regularly, even if the content is a bit different.
Could it possibly be that this web journal is a desire to hold onto this part of my personality...this little segment of me that actually enjoys titillating and engaging with others in a slightly decadent way...this little fragment of myself that is exhibitionist; that can imagine myself being amongst a roomful of men with me as the central object of their desire?? Could I really be that naughty inside my head???
And yet, I really don't like blatant comments. I don't want to hear dirty talk from just anyone. I am deeply discriminating about that. I may want to tittilate you but I don't really want you to tittilate me back. I have always been ultra fussy and I can count on my left hand the men over my life who have been allowed into my mind. I think there would be a finger or two left over, actually. I'm not looking for cyberspace lovers or anything remotely like that. If you like to read and you like me that is enough for me.
Am I and people like me nothing more than shameless hussies, in the intellectual sense...within the confines of our minds? And what do you call that? Erotica, pornography or simply taking the opportunity to express a part of ourselves which society is unsure about: full blooded women with huge appetites?
It is true that if I wrote with no readers it wouldn't feel the same. Even if there are no comments at all, I can see from the stat counter that people are reading and it means something - though I don't really know what it means. I'm not at all an exhibitionist. I'm much more inclined to wear the outfit that allows me to blend in with the crowd. I'd like to think that I get a few admiring glances but I don't want people ogling me. I don't want that sort of attention.
I am willing to concede I may be a bit of a voyeur. I do so enjoy finding Tumblr photographs that turn me on. I enjoy artwork that has an erotic effect; words that have an erotic effect. I very much enjoy certain movies like 'Nine and half weeks' and 'Secretary' and 'Eyes Wide Shut' and even some songs can lull me into a sense of happiness; fulfilment, joy, arousal. So, if anything I am a voyeur of life and not at all an exhibitionist. Except for this darn web journal which keeps pulling me in.
I do write naughty things elsewhere now quite regularly and I don't have any desire to share that; just the writings here. And, you may or may not have noticed but I am being a bit more discriminating about what I post here. There is some sort of movement away from the need to share as much as I once did. I don't quite know what that is about since we're having a lot of fun in that bedroom of ours and my husband is very much more into taking control right now, which is incredibly satisfying.
Perhaps, I am more settled. Yet, the desire to write here hasn't stopped at all. I write regularly, even if the content is a bit different.
Could it possibly be that this web journal is a desire to hold onto this part of my personality...this little segment of me that actually enjoys titillating and engaging with others in a slightly decadent way...this little fragment of myself that is exhibitionist; that can imagine myself being amongst a roomful of men with me as the central object of their desire?? Could I really be that naughty inside my head???
And yet, I really don't like blatant comments. I don't want to hear dirty talk from just anyone. I am deeply discriminating about that. I may want to tittilate you but I don't really want you to tittilate me back. I have always been ultra fussy and I can count on my left hand the men over my life who have been allowed into my mind. I think there would be a finger or two left over, actually. I'm not looking for cyberspace lovers or anything remotely like that. If you like to read and you like me that is enough for me.
Am I and people like me nothing more than shameless hussies, in the intellectual sense...within the confines of our minds? And what do you call that? Erotica, pornography or simply taking the opportunity to express a part of ourselves which society is unsure about: full blooded women with huge appetites?
I like that characterization... full blooded women with huge appetites.
ReplyDeleteThe titles of Erotica and pornography are pretty darn subjective. I would call what you are doing simply an "expression of an appetite".
Vesta,
ReplyDeleteI see the change in your writing, even in the last couple of months over which we have interacted. For a little while, and indeed still now at the odd time, I wonder whether you have been put off writing the more tittilating stuff because the responses you have received have discouraged you. At times I have been captivated by the more colourful aspects of your psyche, the parts that reveal glimpses of your dolli. She is beautiful, after all. I have sensed your frustration with parts of your real-world life, for want of a better term, and considered that perhaps this blog was for a while a means of releasing that in a way that felt safe and validating for you. It is wonderful news that your current home life negates that need.
The internet is both a safe and a scary place, I think; a sort of dream and nightmare rolled into one. Safe in that it is divorced from reality, from the day-to-day. The anonymity means we can be open and honest, unafraid of being judged by those who are dear to us. Scary in that it is open to anyone, good or bad, to view what we have written, turn it against us, use it for purposes we are uncomfortable with and to sometimes misconstrue. An analogy that comes to mind is being a hamster in a ball in a huge room full of strangers. The ball keeps you from harm, but the big scary world is looking in at you and you are exposed to it. For a while that interaction can be invigorating, but people come and go, turn out to be not what they seem and perhaps there is a sense of emptiness in that scenario.
For a while I believed and hoped that I was being allowed into your mind, that a connection would develop that was deeper than the transitory onlooker onto the hamster in the ball. Cyberspace love was never in my mind, as I made plain in an email, but I had ben thrilled by the idea of friendship, of really understanding what makes you tick. But the mood of our interaction changed and that notion melted away like shadows in a darkening room. I think you perhaps hoped I was someone else. What keeps bringing me back is no longer the thrill of a burgeoning friendship but the intellectual joy of drinking in your writing, the careful, considered and wise view you have on the world. It is spiritual yoga.
It is interesting that you have tagged this post as Sexual Appetite as I believe your blog has become in many ways sexless. That's not meant as a criticism, but an observation. It remains, however, an opportunity for validation of your particular world-view, one that many surely share.
Warmest wishes,
RollyMo
Vesta,
ReplyDeleteThis made me chuckle, thank you!
"It was once suggested to me that I have such an inclination for "use" that I don't mind being used by total strangers and perverts (I'm sure the phrase was used in the nicest of ways)."
Too cute.
~a
Humans, I'd say - just part of that wonderful species of the homo sapiens.
ReplyDeleteSuch a thought-provoking post. You've got me thinking about my own motivation for blogging - which I've never really analysed in any detail at SW. I sense a post there soon in return! Thanks for sharing your perspectives, and making me reflect on my own. Hugs :-)
ReplyDeletelittlemonkey: "Expression of an appetite" seems like a good description. I like that and it is accurate too, I think.
ReplyDeleteRollyMo: What is interesting to me is that some people only want my world view. The doll aspect of my psyche is a real turn off for them. For others, they only want the doll. Other people don't mind a bit of both. It would be useless to try to keep all the people satisfied all the time. Over time, the more overtly sexual side of my personality deemed it better to find expression in other ways than here. That more private expression of my sexuality is in line with my natural inclination to be introverted.
goodgirl: I am glad you enjoyed reading that sentence. I certainly enjoyed writing it!
MrJ: We are fascinating, aren't we?! I have a friend who likes to say, "There is nothing queerer than folk." Observing people keeps me forever interested in life, for sure.
Abel1234: Have you written that yet? I look forward to reading your thoughts. I would say it began with a deep love and joy of spanking and meeting other like-minded folk, which is an entirely good reason to write a blog. And, over time, you are more introspective and analytical about what makes you tick, which is always fascinating to me. When I use the blog to nut out a worry or concern, I feel it is a useful tool to me, and maybe someone else out there has a similar concern, or maybe it prompts a thought. For personal reasons, and maybe because I may have shared enough of myself with the online community, I feel this blog should be about issues more than about me now. But, I am currently studying journalism and there is nothing introspective about that at all; at least, it isn't mean to show. Maybe, that is influencing my writing too.
I really enjoyed this piece
ReplyDeletejill: Thank you. It seems so long ago now. I reread it today after your comment. I am STILL writing in this blog and I think the reason I still do is to sort through my thoughts in a place where, if one reads here at all, there's some degree of tolerance of my meanderings and nonsense.
ReplyDelete