cindi writes most days now, sometimes more than once a day. (I have just had to correct her spelling, in fact, because as soon as I type 'cindi' she just takes over.) Since she just finished writing, this is an experiment to see if I can express what she said.
She said that wearing a big plug all night in bed doesn't necessarily allow her to sleep longer but that she wakes in a very different state of mind. She said that her thoughts on waking went to far more containment than she was experiencing and that she imagined her wrists tied, her mouth filled with a cock gag, her eyes covered.
She was aware, she wrote, that her pussycunt was throbbing and that each time she squeezed on the ass plug she felt a deep urge for relief, for orgasm, but that she lay there still and tried to imagine that she had no control over her wants whatsoever.
She said that she lay there very still and tried to imagine the man coming to her and asking how she slept and her feeling revitalized from the sleep. I believe she used the word "refreshed", possibly she also said "invigorated". I think she was trying to say that she felt 'good to go'. She had slept well and now it was time for her day to begin; that she was waiting for instructions; ready to see what the day had in store for her.
cindi felt small, for sure. She saw the man as her protector and the man who would look after her. She treated him with reverence. May she rise? May she leave the bed? May she empty the asscunt? She asked all these questions as if it was the most natural thing in the world to do so and she was very happy within herself; very content.
I can only surmise that cindi revels in her limits and is just thrilled to be back in business. At least, that's the feeling I got.
She said that wearing a big plug all night in bed doesn't necessarily allow her to sleep longer but that she wakes in a very different state of mind. She said that her thoughts on waking went to far more containment than she was experiencing and that she imagined her wrists tied, her mouth filled with a cock gag, her eyes covered.
She was aware, she wrote, that her pussycunt was throbbing and that each time she squeezed on the ass plug she felt a deep urge for relief, for orgasm, but that she lay there still and tried to imagine that she had no control over her wants whatsoever.
She said that she lay there very still and tried to imagine the man coming to her and asking how she slept and her feeling revitalized from the sleep. I believe she used the word "refreshed", possibly she also said "invigorated". I think she was trying to say that she felt 'good to go'. She had slept well and now it was time for her day to begin; that she was waiting for instructions; ready to see what the day had in store for her.
cindi felt small, for sure. She saw the man as her protector and the man who would look after her. She treated him with reverence. May she rise? May she leave the bed? May she empty the asscunt? She asked all these questions as if it was the most natural thing in the world to do so and she was very happy within herself; very content.
I can only surmise that cindi revels in her limits and is just thrilled to be back in business. At least, that's the feeling I got.
This is fascinating. I must admit, the initial reaction when reading this was "Multiple Personality Disorder". I had no idea that Vesta would struggle to understand what cindi writes or to translate into the Queen's English, so to speak. I had imagined cindi's writing to be the expression of a certain mindset, but not of a different and quite separate psyche occupying the same vessel; that Vesta and cindi were so separate and discrete. It appears that quite a divide exists now. How does Vesta feel about this? Does it please her to know that cindi is becoming strong enough to be separate? Or does it worry her and threaten her? Does she see it as her destiny to eventually give way to cindi and surface less and less?
ReplyDeleteHow will Vesta remain a buffer between cindi and the people around her each day if they no longer overlap? Very thought provoking stuff, and quite exciting in a kafkaesque sort of way, don't you think?
RollyMo: Goodness! That all sounds so complicated.
ReplyDeletecindi sits just below the surface of my personality/psyche. It doesn't take a lot to have her surface; surprisingly little, in fact but it does require a 'letting go' that I can't always achieve. At those times, my intellect is in full operation and my sexuality and primal nature less visible, even to me. Time wanders on and I become less and less satisfied, unable to fully reach that aspect of my personality; sometimes, I doubt if cindi exists at all or perhaps closer to the truth, if she just went away and she's not coming back. I can feel like all the other schmucks who are simply living out their lives in the "real world" and that is all there is, so I better get used to it!
An opportunity/situation evolves to remind me that I was actually incredibly happy in the state of the doll (a peaceful, content and happy state of mind where I feel I am living according to my nature and cravings) and cindi emerges. My husband sees it and experiences it, rues the day that I question this very soft, malleable and blissfully satisfied with life state of mind and behave something like a girl in a defensive mode. He adores cindi's ability to believe; to dream; to enjoy and be positive and happy.
It is, quite simply, a state of mind.
To answer your question a little more directly, cindi just writes without thinking (the sub-conscious?)and 'Vesta' can look on afterwards and be really impressed. That cindi really knows how to be happy; to relate to her owner, to spread sunshine; to let go. 'Vesta' can't always do that.
There was once a man on the Internet, now long gone, whose wife had two names for her two different personalities: one for the every day and one for the slut. It is not all that unusual; a vehicle to enter a different state.
My inclination to analyze and question deeply is a trait that my career has honed and I do it almost instinctively. In contrast, my interest in psychoanalysis has merely been nurtured by many happy years of marriage to someone qualified and experienced in that field. In that sense my observations are purely amateur and may be way off the mark, so please don't take them too much to heart.
ReplyDeleteThat said, I don't believe it is possible to write entirely from the subconscious. Writing is by its very nature a conscious act - as a test, try to focus on one thing but write about another at the same time. It's impossible, I would suggest, especially when one is writing about Self. While the thoughts and ideas may come from the subconscious, the conscious is used as a translator to guide the thoughts and words onto the page. That's why I struggle with your 4th and last paragraphs and with your response to my comment: if cindi's words are by the act of writing filtered through the conscious, how does Vesta later struggle to understand what has been written? Surely she would remember? Only three things to my limited knowledge could account for that (excluding physical brain injury):
1. Drink or drugs affecting memory
2. The passage of time affecting memory
3. The brain actively separating behaviors experiences and memories into discrete and mutually exclusive compartments, such as happens after major psychological trauma, or in sufferers of psychotic conditions such as Multiple Personality Disorder.
Please don't interpret any of the above as criticism or in any way a professional opinion. I write purely as an interested observer in an attempt to better understand your truth.
Warmest wishes.
Vesta,
ReplyDeleteCan mouse just say how much she enjoys and relates to so much cindi relates.
Thank you tho for the translation.
Hugs,
mouse
RollyMo: Two points:
ReplyDelete1) Certainly, the girl is always there. She is there but "trapped". The longings, cravings, internal desires have taken over. So, she is aware on some level but she can't do a thing about it. Once the doll emerges, she is in charge.
2) I am a writer. I think you have to allow me a little poetic license to make a point sometimes. As well, I have a robust sense of humor and a great sense of fun, particularly when the doll is in play mode. When I wrote the last line..."At least, that's the feeling I got." I was smiling because it was a bit tongue in cheek, of course.
Think of 'stream of consciousness writing'. We are strongly encouraged as budding writers to use it at every turn and see what comes out. Then, you read it and can be surprised at what you wrote. I used cindi's writing to see what came out and was amazed at how quickly my state of mind altered when I did those cindi things I do.
I hope that makes things more clear.
mouse: I love to hear from other submissive gals who can relate to cindi. I always appreciate knowing that. Thank you.