I’m writing this dressed in very old clothes. The reason why I am dressed in very old clothes is that I intend to paint the garage. I’ve hated this old brown brick garage at the holiday house for ten years and a year ago I convinced my husband to paint it a mellow shade of white.
We went into town and chose the colour. It was mercilessly easy. I remember thinking it odd that it was so easy. Back home, I got into my old clothes. Of course, I have heard my husband say many times that preparation is everything and so I accepted that I needed to wait for him to do this to his satisfaction. As I recall, I went back inside and did other things that day.
The next day, I donned my old painting style clothes again but he said that he thought it best that he do the painting. I recognized his need for control; for perfection and order and I could clearly see that in his mind, if he were to pass over a smidgeon of control to me, even under tight supervision of my job, it was going to cause him a lot of distress. I went back inside and he painted a very small section of the garage before we went back to the city. My wish to paint the ugly garage would have to wait until next summer.
Fast forward twelve months and I sit here typing in my old clothes. Yesterday, I asked if I may paint the garage and in an irritated way he responded, “Yes. Yes, you can paint it tomorrow.”
I woke today to discover that some men had arrived to do a construction job. But, I can be a bit dim sometimes and I didn’t make the connection right away – that these men threatened my ability to paint. On went the old painting clothes.
“May I please paint the garage today?”
“Well, I don’t want any drips. I don’t want a wall of drips, you understand?”
“Absolutely. I will be very careful. Do you think you could set me up now?”
“I am focusing on doing this first,” he responded (He was reading a book.)
I thought it wise not to say anymore in the hope that he meant he just wanted to get to the end of the chapter which I could see was close at hand. About 10 seconds later he slammed the book shut.
“I can’t stand it!” he said.
I thought he was going to say that he couldn’t stand that I was badgering him but what he meant was that he couldn’t stand the fact that the men weren’t doing their task with the precision and perfection that he would apply to task.
Off he went to talk to them. It was clear he was in no hurry to set me up and I am not competent enough, he made clear, to stir the paint can well enough. It was one of the reasons he gave for telling me I had to wait to be set up. Whilst waiting I sent an email off to my tutor, got onto the Discussion Board and got involved there; made the bed; made lunch; read my book.
Time wore on. My husband returned, not entirely satisfied but not as agitated either. He ate the sandwich I had made for him. We chatted.
“May I please paint the garage now?” I asked sweetly.
“Yes. Yes you can. Just a minute.”
Half an hour has gone by and he has picked up the book and is reading again.
And I ask you, what do you make of this?
A. He is stalling for time. He has no intention of allowing me to paint the garage.
B. He intends to paint the garage himself one day in the future but certainly not to day with me dressed in my painting clothes.
C. He is a control freak and a perfectionist.
D I am a saint.
E. All of the above.
Definitely all of the above.
ReplyDeleteVesta,
ReplyDeleteHoly. See this is where your ability to be soft, to bend supersedes any of my capabilities. I would be fuming. I would be disobedient. I would have gone to the garage and started to paint. This is where I struggle. First, I would have found it grossly offensive to not be permitted to do it all on my own. I can stir paint, I can set sheets down. I can paint a garage door. You sweet lady have the patience of a saint and understand and can read your husband very well and I believe he is exceptionally fortunate to have you.
I do hope you get to paint soon. Many hugs.
~a
Oh and as for picking, I would say "E. All of the above". hehe
ReplyDelete~a
I really admire your ability to turn negatives into positives! :) and I like the way you have invited audience participation on this post, what fun!
ReplyDeletePersonally having read your post a few times over I would rewrite the equation thus:
Perfectionism + Procrastination = Inaction
I guess the question therefore is why or how Inaction becomes Control in your mindset. I had until now seen Control as something that is Applied and must therefore require action of some sort. Your dear hubby appears to me neither actively denying your permission to paint the garage nor actively allowing/instructing you to do so, instead occupying an uncertain middle ground where no positive decision is given. This would to me appear the antithesis of control. He has taken his hands off the rudder entirely. The control is only there in the sense that you choose to remain on the boat, so to speak, and await the captain's decision on which way he wishes to point it. His control rests solely and exclusively on your decision to submit to the situation and languish in the doldrums until the wind picks up. He has not taken control. You have gifted it to him.
So here are the results of the Ontario vote:
I would partly agree with option A. He seems to be stalling but his intentions are unclear.
I would disagree with option B. If he is unable to decide whether or not you should paint the garage, I suspect he has not determined whether he should either.
I would partly agree with option C. He is a perfectionist and likes to have things done his way. But does that make him a control freak or just very anal?
I would fully agree with option D.
I would, for reasons above, disagree with option E.
Thanks again for this thoughtful and engaging snapshot of Vesta's day. Would love to know how the situation resolves itself :)
littlemonkey: This had me laughing. Bless you for that.
ReplyDeletegoodgirl: I've had days like that, believe me. But, it got me absolutely no where. So, I aim for sainthood, usually fail, but have pretty much mastered patience, politeness and acceptance on most days. It took a huge amount of practice and will but he had no intentions of changing and there was only one person left: me.
I wrote something this morning that may shed more light...
RollyMo: I think he thinks that I don't actually mean to paint it myself but rather that I am rallying *him* to do it. That's what happened. He came out and talked of safety of ladders and so on and I said that I didn't want to watch him paint; I wanted a job! He said, "You'll get the job you are given." He set me up and I painted low while he painted high. I think there is honestly a perfectionist type tendency to be anxious that I won't paint to an acceptable standard: like perfectly. I think the perfectionism leads to procrastination because of the effort involved in being a perfectionist on any endeavor. But, in fact, he is doing his job and I am doing mine and the garage is getting painted.
ReplyDeleteMuch appreciate your thoughts. I will definitely take them into consideration.
Vesta you certainly qualify for sainthood! No easy answers to any of this, because Daddy is the same way. For example, if you change painting the garage to pruning trees in the fall...or why we ended up paying the landscapers to do it, you just described accurately what went on here!!
ReplyDeleteWhen our roles are very defined things move swimmingly, but when the lines become blurred we get in trouble.
Hugs,
mouse
mouse: Of all the issues relating to a power exchange relationship, I think this is the number one issue, and it is rarely discussed in any detail. We have our roles and yet, a 'bottom' isn't dumb. She is, invariably, a smart, educated woman (or man) with creativity and ideas of her own. So, how does a gal remain in the role and yet get done what she needs and wants to get done??!!!
ReplyDeleteThe advice I have been given is to ask, and to ask very prettily at that. But, if the 'top' is feeling obstinate, what then??
In my experience, dominant men *do* grapple with giving up the reins and they often conspire against themselves because this tendency is so strong in their psyche. Then, they are inclined to be fastidious people. It somehow goes with the style of personality, which means they have strong opinions about pruning trees and all manor of things.
BUT, if you can somehow get them to *start*, they tend to have a merry old time. It is the starting that is the problem. So, I try to do the starting, even if that gets my husband's back up coz, he could have started so much better. So, he has to come out there and *fix* it and give me a job and then he has the main job and voila! The job is underway.
It is work that does indeed deserve a sainthood. It's grimy, hard, gutter grovelling, heart-wrenching work. But, when you have a win...when you prune a row of trees or get the garage painted, it is so worth it!!
May the grace of God be with you as you negotiate the next task with Omega. LOL
Vesta!!
ReplyDeleteLmao! It's very true. It struck mouse as so odd that he so very willingly wrote the check to the landscaper, yet he wouldn't allow mouse to do the task, even under his supervision or guidance. He also didn't hover over them or tell them how to do it...he only made certain there was not a leaf left on the ground when they finished.
Yet, when mouse is in the kitchen cooking, he doesn't try to tell her what to do, or when doing laundry...or other domestic things. However he did teach mouse how to properly fold sheets and make the beds...
It is getting them to start that's the trick sometimes, yet mouse has found no way to help him move along. Yet, like you pointed out once they start, they do enjoy themselves, at least it seems they do.
A good friend once said that anything she asked her husband to do immediately went on his 5 year plan. The dimmer switch she wanted installed in the baby's room, was done when the next baby came along some years after. Now if it was something he found imperative it was done right away. Like replacing the water heater. But putting the shelf up in the den, fixing the kitchen cabinet, installing the ceiling fan all went on his 5 year plan.
Makes mouse wonder if it's a Dom thing or a man one? Don't really think they had a power exchange relationship. Then again who knows. But will admit Omega seems very similar.
Hugs,
mouse
mouse: I don't know either. But, if I don't watch it I get this response: "If you ask me again, I will put back the time I *do* do it." They don't want to feel that they are being told to do something. I think the trick might be for them to feel that they have ownership over the idea. My husband really does love his painted garage and he's so enjoyed painting a good percentage of it. I often have to seed the thought and let it settle. That may take some time but at some point he embraces it and then we are away with the idea.
ReplyDeleteAnother thought is this: my husband ultimately decided that my idea of travelling to Italy was a winner. But, he wasn't interested in organizing the details. He delegated that to me and simply handled the frequent flier miles. By separating out the task in this way he still felt in control (he told me we were going) but he told me to organize it. I'm thinking that Omega wanted no part in the whole pruning/collecting the leaves operation but maybe he felt like he *should* have done it himself. But, getting a task done by others sometimes is the right choice and I'd run with that notion. It opens the door for the two of you to do tasks better done by you.
Once, a visitor came to the house whilst I was collecting the leaves into lines like a good, hard working Aussie chick. She said to me, "What on earth are you doing? It doesn't cost much to have a service come and do this." And, after that we would watch in awe as about 4 guys bundled the leaves and left us with a green lawn again after two hours work. It was, like, magic!! I never looked back.