Down the winding road

Restlessness follows me wherever I go right now, leaving me contemplative, with everything and nothing to say, all at the one moment. There is a sense of arousal and an indomitable spirit to make it down this winding road, but I am being blown about by feelings that I cannot quite catch or tame.

You just need some time.

This was the sage advice given to me. But, how long before I can tap into these feelings and then have a chance at conquering them? If I cannot even name them, where am I to go; what direction should I take?

The past six months or more have taken their toll. Perhaps the lesson I have learned is that I have no control over the winds of time. I do not know what is coming around the next corner and I will never know. Perhaps I needed to learn to surrender to time; to watch and wait and see what comes to me.

It is not my way. Something deep inside me tells me that I must make some running. I must demonstrate who I am and what I am made of. I must make and then seize opportunities. I must not be inert.

I want to understand what happened in the past year and yet words fail me.  I do know that I tapped into extraordinary strength and acceptance. My meditations took me to the highest mountains, to valleys and springs and caves that gave me a great deal of succour. On one memorable guided meditation I held onto that person that had guided me and sustained me, knowing that in a few moments I would need to set him free. Tears rolled down my cheeks as I searched for the strength to let him go and with every fibre of will, I let go.

I set you free.

And from an enormous and beautiful tree a huge flock of colourful birds burst free, guiding his spirit on the journey away from me. It had taken everything I had but I had done the right thing; the only thing to do.  No wonder ‘The Tree of Life’ meant so much to me.

Dolls are not meant to be alone. They survive but do they do not thrive under such conditions.  Like a toy with batteries, their energy depletes and sometimes they just stop and stare at nothing in particular; waiting, waiting for the day when their batteries are recharged. They have a plentiful supply of faith and quietly, they wait; hope; believe.

Is it really over?

I have asked this question a few times in my life. Sometimes, it is over when you least expect it. And yet, the desire to breathe a sigh of relief is held back. Emotions must catch up to the events.

Give it time.

But already, I can feel a stirring; a sense that this too shall pass and that there are very good days ahead. Life’s like that.