I woke frustrated; annoyed; out of sorts. I announced that I was going to get up; that I couldn’t sleep. He pulled me into him; said to settle down; that he couldn’t understand what had got into me.
I said that I thought it best I get up and get on with the painting. He said that he didn’t want me up on the ladder. I said that in that case I would continue with the low bits.
He said that I was obsessing about the "bloody painting". And, why had I spoken back to him last evening?
And, why was this the fifth time he had mentioned the encounter? Did I go over and over the times he lost his temper with me, I wanted to know.
Ahhhh, but we talk about my behaviour, don’t we? I can’t resort to speaking of his behaviour when it is my behaviour that is the behaviour to be analysed and most importantly, contained.
“I made a mistake but you keep bringing it up,” I said.
“Because you haven’t acknowledged it. That is the first time you acknowledged it.”
“Well, I made a mistake. I acknowledge it.”
“That’s all I want. That you acknowledge your behaviour as unacceptable.”
By now, I’m fuming internally. It is useless to argue with him. I just need to get myself under control. I go under the covers, literally.
He dresses; closes the bedroom door.
Five minutes later, he opens the door and tells me to sit up and not to say a word.
He puts down a tray; muesli, yoghurt and a cut up peach; half an English muffin with jam; a mug of tea.
“If you say one word you’re in the corner for an hour and if you spill a drop you’ll get your bottom spanked."
He leaves; closes the door behind him.
I monitor how I am feeling; notice it; not judge it; just as I have been doing for the past few days. For some reason, I feel a great need to sit with my feelings and try to understand how they are controlling me right now; how I can’t quite get a grip on what is going on internally, in my mind.
How do I feel now, I ask myself? Well, honestly, I feel much better for him taking the reins and affirming his place in the saddle.
It’s freaky.
P.S. I ate my breakfast and then slept for hours and hours and hours...
Oh Vesta,
ReplyDeleteYou are...you are..you are... one of a kind. I think one of these days, if you would permit me I would like to interview you. I am in genuine awe of your attitude and behaviour. You are thoughtful in your manners and approach with your husband and I believe you are the epitome of a fully giving submissive/doll.
What I felt while reading your experience was not what you felt, or so I believe and how you felt content, if I may use that word, by him taking the reins, well it amazing me.
You are one of a kind.
xx
~a
goodgirl: So, I'll interview you and then you can interview me, huh? That sounds fair.
ReplyDeleteHonestly, the response surprised me too. I was in a funk and not sure how to get out of it exactly when he came through the door with that impish look on his face and a tray of food and it just seemed so much easier to go with that flow; to bunker down into the situation. And clearly, I was weary. I slept for four hours until 11.30 am. I find, when we have an exchange of unpleasant words, it is when one of us, at least, is very over-tired.
I do think that I have very strong submissive tendencies that come very naturally to me. But, I've never known another life; never been around men for any length of time who didn't have strong dominant tendencies, so whether it is nature or nature, I am not entirely sure. But, my fantasies were so vivid and so evoked the submissive personality within me at such an early age and forever after that I have to think I was just born this way.
I entirely share goodgirl's admiration of your rare and wonderful nature. It shines through your writing. I feel truly blessed to have found your blog and to have had the opportunity to get to know you a little. It is heartening to know that you thrive on taking submission to such an art form. I believe you are a leading light in your specialism and I can understand entirely how other submissives who read your blog look upon you with awe and wonder. I read your September entry "Childlike helplessness and vulnerability" today and was moved beyond words. Simply beautiful.
ReplyDeleteMany, many thanks for sharing.
RollyMo: I am very humbled by your words. They are very kind words and high praise indeed. Goodgirl is an extraordinarily good friend. She has the ability to listen to me and allow me to grow at my own pace, only noting my growth after it has occured. I hope that I have taught her some things. She very kindly says that I have but I have also learned a great deal from her, as recently as this morning. We complement one another remarkably well and one of these days we shall holiday together, just the two dolls at a yoga retreat!
ReplyDeleteI am currently reading 'Eat, Pray, Love' and am at the point where Liz talks about a trick that she was taught in India to imagine that she is just an object and a bird has landed on her head. That's a big part of what I am interested in; that sort of peace and stillness of mind. Not too many pepole are into 'objectification' but the notion of a still mind and attaining peace of mind is a universal idea and maybe that is why many pepole read these pages. But, I am only speculating. Thank you.
Uh-oh! Wrong account for that last comment but they are cindi's word really so no harm done.
ReplyDeleteVesta: your analysis may be partly true but I suspect you are being too modest (a charming and wonderfully submissive trait). I believe that your readership enjoys, as I do, your ability to approach your journey into submission as a noble one. A genuine and heartfelt attempt for self fulfillment and self betterment from a spiritual perspective. We admire and wonder at your grace and your intelligence, at the self-awareness and dedication. We find it elevating, touching and thrilling in equal measure. It give those who revel in power exchange a respectable, grounded and human voice. It makes us smile, it helps us love ourselves and others better.
ReplyDeleteYou say you write here for yourself, but your writing truly is a gift to others. At least I hope others see it as I do; I cannot believe they would not. Shine on brightly; your light warms souls.
Vesta,
ReplyDeleteWeeks ago Omega took mouse's voice and she was so angry with him, at least at first. Spent the first part of the day in tears, but he was totally undaunted by it. By the end of the weekend, a profound sense of peace had filled mouse...not at once, but over time. Slowly, methodically, creeping inside.
When it was over, we discussed the reason. Well, he spoke and mouse listened mostly. Sometimes saying sorry or just apologizing isn't enough. Now, mouse still felt the reason, while valid, left her feeling confused.
Hugs,
mouse
mouse: I am reading 'Eat, Pray, Love' at the moment and I am just enthralled with it. I keep having to stop and write notes in my hand written journal because I find something else that Liz said or experienced that I find very profound and meaningful to me.
ReplyDeleteThe meditation practices at the Ashram, the attempts to remain silent, to fill the world with joy and bliss and calm rather than words has enormous power in my mind. I think efforts to slow things down through silence and contemplation a really amazing thing. After all, religious people have been doing it for centuries. I think these are opportunities to get closer to something that is rare, intense and powerful. Did you find that after the silence you perhaps had different questions for Omega, different ways of putting your own thoughts??
In mentoring sessions, cindi was often actually encouraged to express herself for as long as she wanted. But, if there was a lesson to be learned, or if she was in trouble, times like that, she had to slow her thinking right down and choose her words very very carefully. It was after times of absence, those times when she was silenced in a way, awful as that was, that she was able to use words that healed the situation rather than harmed the situation.
I totally understand your confusion but I suspect this was, overall, a growth opportunity. Think about it like that for a litle while and see if you feel better about it.
Vesta,
ReplyDeleteEach time Omega has done this, it has had a profound effect on mouse (much like the diaper -- but totally different). And yes, she did find ways to better frame her questions. What she found confusing was why it works so well on her. How quiet her mind becomes and really how hard it is to start speaking again afterward...really you'd think the opposite would be true!
The biggest problem for mouse, isn't with saying sorry or apologizing, it's with the digging deep part and saying why with it.
Now mouse did see the movie Eat, Pray, Love and wasn't too impressed, in fact she fell asleep the first time. However, books are generally better than the films anyway...maybe she'll ask to download it.
Hugs,
mouse
mouse: I so get the not being able to speak again after being silent thing. cindi is really quite confined when she speaks. Her subject matter, her choice of words and how she communicates is very confining. Once, cindi was offered something: to speak to "the man" and to use "gurl language". She wanted to do this but it was painstakingly slow to come out. I sat there for minutes not being able to do it. I remember flexing my fingers, shaking my hands, trying to find some way into this "gurl language". I had, quite simply, become very happy in my capture and was not at all sure that the big, wide world was for me anymore. When you don't speak for a time, when you don't walk for a time (and I had this experience) the first steps are not at all natural. It feels like you might fall, in fact. And so, you go slowly, one small step at a time. It is a 'born again' type of phenomena; a chance to start over. I'd take it.
ReplyDelete