I went up north for the weekend - without my husband and with my mother and aunt. It was totally exhausting - all that talking, all that being nice and all that checking about what they wanted to do and how they wanted to do it! But, it was incredibly worthwhile. My brother was in a show and I would not have missed seeing him for the world. Most importantly, I know it meant a great deal to him to have us there.
Just before we left the theatre and said our goodbyes, for we were leaving for the airport the next morning, I gave him a big hug and whispered in his ear that I was very proud of him and happy for him that he is so happy. We don't see a lot of one another but growing up, there was just the two of us and I feel very close to him on some deep, emotional level that I find hard to put into words. Of course, I teared up when I said that and tried to move on before anybody could be aware of that. More vulnerability on display; more uncomfortableness with that...
I'm operating on so little sleep, by my standards anyway. I lay there in my big empty bed listening to the waves of the Pacific Ocean and I found myself with an over thinking brain. I was thinking about my brother and my Dad; my mother; my husband and I; my daughter and her new man...well, I was thinking about everything really well into the night.
I confess I felt sad. My brother has built a good life up there: one where he works hard (and he enjoys what he does) but one where he enjoys simple pursuits to the max. He has a caravan (trailer) that he loves to take into the outback with his wife. He has a truck. So excited about this truck was he that he pointed out to us on the way to show us his house (simple but comfortable) exactly where he had bought the truck. He has also bought a motor bike. Well, he didn't show us that. My youngest niece spilled the beans there because I am sure he had no intention of my mother knowing that he had bought a machine that only "one way men" ride.
I'm not remotely jealous. He's my young brother and I have never felt that emotion about him. I am overwhelmingly happy that he is happy. What I felt myself experiencing was a wish that we could embrace this rather simple notion of living.
When I returned home I raced over to my older son's house to collect my youngest son from there and I was sufficiently antsy about things to mention my concerns to my eldest son. It is most unlike me to do this. In typical fashion, I keep those concerns to myself, or else I tell you. I asked him if he could reiterate to my husband that he needed to be less hard on himself; to be less demanding of himself and to enjoy himself more. My husband would adore a motor bike but the question is, would he ever allow himself such an indulgent luxury?
Later, I felt tremendous guilt about having done that. My husband told me that our son was preparing this weekend, all weekend, for a very important business meeting with a client and on reflection I recalled the passing thought that my eldest son had seemed haggard and fraught looking.
I sent him an email smoothing things over and wishing him well for the meeting and he replied right back that on the contrary, it was good to talk and he had made a mental note of what I said. He admitted that he worries about work too and that as a older person now he can understand that just as "Dad" feels the weight of the responsibility of the family, he can feel torn when his girlfriend is about the house and he feels the need to prepare for meetings. He also said that he knew for certain that "what Dad wants most in the world is for you to be happy". What I want most in the world is for my husband to be happy. Quite the co-incidence!
Then, there was the conversation with my daughter to consider. I said to her on Skype that I wondered if she would spend more time at the boyfriend's house once they are home (very soon!) or would he spend more time with us. She replied that she hoped that he would consider our house the base but she felt it would probably be the other way around.
It is silly but in that moment I felt that I had lost her. That's just a silly thought because we will always be very close. But, this man is the real deal, I think: "the one", and what he says goes. I can hardly believe the changes in her. She uses totally different words."He would not allow it" is one of the sentences she has typed lately. Their dynamic is well in place and totally agreeable and complementary to both of them.
As much as I adore her and am proud of her I must admit she did have a temper when she left for Europe 18 months ago and I got the brunt of it quite often. Not now! The new man put her straight. If she was tired or not feeling in a good mood, that was okay, he told her. But, she had no right to transfer her mood onto him. And, if she didn't like his suggestion as to what they would do on the weekend that was okay too. She was welcome to reject it, so long as she verbalized what she did want to do.
We were talking on Skype recently when she sort of cut me off quick and said, "Mum, I better clean up the apartment before P gets home." And, she has started painting and drawing again, at his suggestion: something I couldn't motivate her to do for the love of money. In short, she is besotted with him and could not be more poor right now, or more happy!
We are all very, very close and my marriage is very close; very intense. It sometimes gets off kilter and maybe that is because I have a sense that my husband could be happier and he has a sense that I could be happier and then we get a little unbalanced for a time until we take in again in a conscious way that our happiness depends on us both feeling that we are taking care of one another sufficiently well; that each of us is happy with the other.
We talked a little with each other around these sentiments and my husband happened to say at one point that he was cross with himself about something. That gave me the opportunity to repeat those particular words; to point out that he was much harder on himself than anyone else and that sometimes in life we just needed to let things go; to give ourselves a break and accept that we were not perfect; never would be perfect.
I only have so much opportunity to effect change. We are who we are. We all look through our eyes but what we see is very different. It is the best reason I can think of that man should find a mate: so that we can save one another from ourselves - at least, as far as that is possible.
Just before we left the theatre and said our goodbyes, for we were leaving for the airport the next morning, I gave him a big hug and whispered in his ear that I was very proud of him and happy for him that he is so happy. We don't see a lot of one another but growing up, there was just the two of us and I feel very close to him on some deep, emotional level that I find hard to put into words. Of course, I teared up when I said that and tried to move on before anybody could be aware of that. More vulnerability on display; more uncomfortableness with that...
I'm operating on so little sleep, by my standards anyway. I lay there in my big empty bed listening to the waves of the Pacific Ocean and I found myself with an over thinking brain. I was thinking about my brother and my Dad; my mother; my husband and I; my daughter and her new man...well, I was thinking about everything really well into the night.
I confess I felt sad. My brother has built a good life up there: one where he works hard (and he enjoys what he does) but one where he enjoys simple pursuits to the max. He has a caravan (trailer) that he loves to take into the outback with his wife. He has a truck. So excited about this truck was he that he pointed out to us on the way to show us his house (simple but comfortable) exactly where he had bought the truck. He has also bought a motor bike. Well, he didn't show us that. My youngest niece spilled the beans there because I am sure he had no intention of my mother knowing that he had bought a machine that only "one way men" ride.
I'm not remotely jealous. He's my young brother and I have never felt that emotion about him. I am overwhelmingly happy that he is happy. What I felt myself experiencing was a wish that we could embrace this rather simple notion of living.
When I returned home I raced over to my older son's house to collect my youngest son from there and I was sufficiently antsy about things to mention my concerns to my eldest son. It is most unlike me to do this. In typical fashion, I keep those concerns to myself, or else I tell you. I asked him if he could reiterate to my husband that he needed to be less hard on himself; to be less demanding of himself and to enjoy himself more. My husband would adore a motor bike but the question is, would he ever allow himself such an indulgent luxury?
Later, I felt tremendous guilt about having done that. My husband told me that our son was preparing this weekend, all weekend, for a very important business meeting with a client and on reflection I recalled the passing thought that my eldest son had seemed haggard and fraught looking.
I sent him an email smoothing things over and wishing him well for the meeting and he replied right back that on the contrary, it was good to talk and he had made a mental note of what I said. He admitted that he worries about work too and that as a older person now he can understand that just as "Dad" feels the weight of the responsibility of the family, he can feel torn when his girlfriend is about the house and he feels the need to prepare for meetings. He also said that he knew for certain that "what Dad wants most in the world is for you to be happy". What I want most in the world is for my husband to be happy. Quite the co-incidence!
Then, there was the conversation with my daughter to consider. I said to her on Skype that I wondered if she would spend more time at the boyfriend's house once they are home (very soon!) or would he spend more time with us. She replied that she hoped that he would consider our house the base but she felt it would probably be the other way around.
It is silly but in that moment I felt that I had lost her. That's just a silly thought because we will always be very close. But, this man is the real deal, I think: "the one", and what he says goes. I can hardly believe the changes in her. She uses totally different words."He would not allow it" is one of the sentences she has typed lately. Their dynamic is well in place and totally agreeable and complementary to both of them.
As much as I adore her and am proud of her I must admit she did have a temper when she left for Europe 18 months ago and I got the brunt of it quite often. Not now! The new man put her straight. If she was tired or not feeling in a good mood, that was okay, he told her. But, she had no right to transfer her mood onto him. And, if she didn't like his suggestion as to what they would do on the weekend that was okay too. She was welcome to reject it, so long as she verbalized what she did want to do.
We were talking on Skype recently when she sort of cut me off quick and said, "Mum, I better clean up the apartment before P gets home." And, she has started painting and drawing again, at his suggestion: something I couldn't motivate her to do for the love of money. In short, she is besotted with him and could not be more poor right now, or more happy!
We are all very, very close and my marriage is very close; very intense. It sometimes gets off kilter and maybe that is because I have a sense that my husband could be happier and he has a sense that I could be happier and then we get a little unbalanced for a time until we take in again in a conscious way that our happiness depends on us both feeling that we are taking care of one another sufficiently well; that each of us is happy with the other.
We talked a little with each other around these sentiments and my husband happened to say at one point that he was cross with himself about something. That gave me the opportunity to repeat those particular words; to point out that he was much harder on himself than anyone else and that sometimes in life we just needed to let things go; to give ourselves a break and accept that we were not perfect; never would be perfect.
I only have so much opportunity to effect change. We are who we are. We all look through our eyes but what we see is very different. It is the best reason I can think of that man should find a mate: so that we can save one another from ourselves - at least, as far as that is possible.
Whata thoughtful post. So much insight. Thanks for
ReplyDeletesharing.
FD
"so that we can save one another from ourselves - at least, as far as that is possible."
ReplyDeleteBeautiful! And so very true.
Vesta,
ReplyDeleteCan't really begin to explain how much of this post resonated with mouse...not sure if there are enough words in the dictionary or enough room in this space.
Hugs,
mouse
Vesta:
ReplyDeleteYou are truly a student of life. It seems there is not an experience or event from which you are unable to extract a golden nugget of learning. Were you a philosophy major in your school years?
I can very much relate to your comment that there is only a limited opportunity to effect change. Everyone leads such busy lives these days that it is difficult for any of us to find the time, and the right atmosphere, to convey those messages that we feel need to be heard and to do it in a way that makes the message accepted, if not welcomed. But I believe it is essential that we make the effort to do so, for our own sanity as well as that of our loved ones.
Recently I learned this from personal experience. I had determined to effect change in one aspect of my dear wife's behaviour and thought I could do so by chastisement and control alone. She found it difficult to understand and accept, until we actually made time over several evenings to talk out the grounds for modifying her behaviour, to allow her to fully embrace the reasoning behind it so that she could "buy in". Now that we have made that time, she has clicked and is now enthusiastically accepting the change. By investing the time to bring her around to my way of thinking, we have avoided what could have been many weeks of tension and distress. Time spent investing in relationships is always well rewarded and you were so wise to grasp the opportunity when it presented itself.
From what I have read of your life, it seems to be greatly enrichened by the very close ties you have with those around you. Warmth and openness engender the same in return and your thoughtfulness and clarity of observation are uncommon. It is hardly any wonder that people gravitate toward you and open up to you so well; no doubt they are hoping that you will bring some of your love and enlightenment to their lives.
May I ask, would you have been as delighted with your daughter's relationship with her new man if their dynamic were for her to be the boss? I'm curious, as I know it is natural to project one's own values onto the relationships of others.
Warmest wishes,
RollyMo
FD: I am pleased you enjoyed it.
ReplyDeletelil: Thank you. We need one another, don't we?
omega and mouse: Ohhh, I wish I knew which part in particular. Was it the notion of living a simpler life? I love your blog about order which I only found yesterday and I think you are trying to live a simpler and perhaps more ordered life, ya? We spend too much time looking for keys or sorting through a pile of paper. I'm into making life simpler and happier now.
RollyMo: First of all, I have to say what a joy it is to have a 'back n forth' about issues with you. I had always hoped that this journal could be more interactive and I greatly appreciate you taking the time to put down your thoughts here.
I wish I had been a psychology student. I so gravitate to a better understanding of the human mind. But, I was a Philosophy Major at University and maybe the Meditation and so on, even my doll, is an extension of that.
When I spoke to my husband about a formal power exchange I was very intentional about that. I found so many D/s ideas incredibly erotic but also I felt it was the best chance to effect change in the other. You can't do D/s at all well unless you are both disciplined, unless you both rein your emotions in and treat the other with respect. My perception is that you can get the best out of the other person if you study yourself and your own behaviour and act as a role model - and I mean whether you are the submissive or the Dominant in the relationship. This is our best hope. I think the Dominant, being in the driver seat is in the best position to effect change (and clearly you had a good outcome by really considering your behaviour to effect change in your wife) but the submissive also has plenty of power to effect change in her Dominant. But, it takes considerable skill, self control and intention. This is what I am about.
My daughter was in love with a boy for years - a boy that was clearly wrong for her in all ways and from the very first day. When she went away it was to make a fresh start away from him (as well as have a ball) and she knew what she was looking for and so it seems did P, for once they met on their travels in Europe it seems his whole life plan changed and he made it his business to be with her in the UK.
I would have been upset if she had simply repeated her mistake, which was to be with a wishy-washy sort of fella. This young man is madly in love with her, treats her superbly and is a gem to live with. But, he makes it clear what he expects, calmly and quietly, and uses quite a bit of psychology on her to motivate her. She had gained a few kilos when she first went to the UK on her own which didn't suit her. P is not the sort to tell her "darlin, you need to get the weight off". Rather, he talked to her about food and got her out running with him and she was on the plan before she knew she was on the plan. We're close and she has told me several times that she wants a man who knows what he wants and is willing to lead. She is no push over herself but she fits right under his wing and so far, so good.
1 of 2:
ReplyDeleteParenting is in many ways a selfless act: we break our backs to give our children a good start and we hope and pray that they will be happy and will find a partner who will love them and support them completely in their journey through life. It's a risky venture and as parents we will never be entirely satisfied that our hopes have been realized. But I guess that is part of letting go. If we can hand over to someone who loves them and in whom we can entrust their care, all the better. But I think there must always be a sense of loss and some grieving as our little children become strong, independent adults who no longer need our daily protection.
I fondly remember reading to my little daughter a book by Dr Suess entitled "Oh, the Places You'll Go!". It's a delightful missive that encourages youngsters to go out and embrace the adventure of life with confidence. It has lines such as
"You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go..."
"So... be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray, or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O'Shea, you're off to Great Places! Today is your day! Your mountain is waiting. So get on your way!"
We both laughed and hugged as we read the book, but inside I was already casting my mind forward to the day when she goes out and does just that, and the mixed feelings of pride, hope and tearfulness that will ensue. I swear I love my kids so much that my heart might shatter into pieces the day they each move out and my dear wife and I both embark on the next adventure in our lives too. But maybe, just maybe, I will be happy to see them go. I sorta doubt it, as they are such delightful human beings that it is a joy in itself just to have them around. Evewn now, when they are both out of the house for a couple of hours, the place is strange in its serenity and silence. It will be tough to adjust when that becomes the norm. But Dr Seuss has a maxim for that too: "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened." I must make a note to keep a copy of that Dr Seuss book and use passages from it as my mantra as they leave.
Seeing the ways in which my son and daughter are so close, I can imagine in some way the closeness you share with your younger brother. I have two sisters, one older and one younger, and perhaps because we are three, we are more loosely connected. They both lead very different lives to each other and both of their lives is, I'm sure, different to mine. I guess we might yearn for aspects of other people's lives, but we shape life while we live it, so it's unlikely those aspects would work the same in our own lives anyway.
2 of 2:
ReplyDeleteIt is wonderful to see that you treat your submissive role with such diligence and dedication. I agree that D/s relationships require a high degree of self-discipline and dedication by both parties if they are to avoid degenerating into farce. It's great that you have adopted the disciplne of plugging, for example, and that you have taken on the responsibility of being plugged more often than not, for your own wellbeing and for the benefit of your relationship. Were you able to continue self-plugging while you were away with your mother and aunt, or would that have been emotionally uncomfortable for you? I have often wondered if the full body scanners at airports have made it more difficult for those who normally remain plugged to continue this ritual? Perhaps there is opportunity for vesta to write an article on the emotional and practical challenges of being plugged... I suspect if cindi were to write it, there would be no emotional or practical challenges ;-)
Did you find yourself longing to release cindi during the hectic times up North? I wondered, when you wrote about laying on the bed listening to the ocean with an over-active mind whether that was a recogition of the need for cindi to bring her simple, uncluttered presence into your mind. Do you find that cindi sometimes enters and occupies your psyche when you're not noticing and you become a little bit bimbo with family and friends? Or is she such a well behaved little dolli that she only comes when you summon her?
RollyMo: I so enjoyed reading your comment about parenting and it is very touching to read of your feelings about parenthood. I loved reading again Dr. Seuss's words. I had forgotten how in touch he was with so many aspects of giving guidance - of being there whilst encouraging flight: "Today is your day!" How divine it is when we can rejoice in their little successes. Tomorrow, I go to Prize Giving to see my son given the Art Prize for his year level and no mamma will have ever been more proud!!
ReplyDeleteYou are the third person in my life who really 'gets' cindi and has also encouraged me to write about what plugging means to her. I've alluded to it many times. I've skirted around the edges many times. But, I haven't wanted to actually write at depth about what it means to me, almost as if it is too intense for me to do that, but I shall try as soon as I can. I will say now: that it is not just the heady sexual moments that mean so much to me; that make me feel so very alive but also the very still moments, when I might be quietly sitting very close beside my husband. It creeps up on me, this very still and certain sense that I am doing what I was meant to do. It is a feeling of serenity; a blissfully contented state.
Yes, on the weekend I tried to get in touch with 'cindi'; but more accurately I tried to get in touch with 'it'; to feel the peace of being an object for a short time. Plugging at night when I have to be 'on' during the day with relatives is very helpful.
Glad to hear that you took your own means of support with you, to keep you grounded.
ReplyDeleteI'm reading between the lines here but I get the feeling that getting in touch with being 'it' is a very powerful and significant move beyond 'cindi' that can't be achieved with just a butt plug. Did/do you have to "accessorize" in other ways in order to make the transition?
RollyMo: Ahhhhh, so you read between lines. That is very clever of you; something well worth doing with me because there is a lot to be read between those lines in this journal!
ReplyDeleteWhen I am "it", I have somehow miraculously moved into a space in my mind where the word "ego" does not exist. I would say it is when my head is completely empty. It doesn't necessarily happen in a particular way or with a particular accessory over and above the usual, although sometimes I achieve that head space when deprived of most senses, so when I am blindfolded and bound and have no power over my body (and mind) at all. It can certainly occur when all my holes are "used" and I hear certain phrases that keep me in that state for goodly amounts of time.
But, what is profound is that I have reached an equally blissful state by being talked into that state. One morning last summer I woke feeling different: peaceful, calm and with an overwhelming desire to take that further. As the times seemed to co-incide with the possibility that my mentor could be available I got online and said that cindi had awoken in a very powerful sort of state where she had very srong desires. He wanted to know if "it" was there and when cindi said "it heer" he talked cindi into an incredibly intense state of peace. She looked around the room and she saw everything with extraordinary clarity. Everything looked so beautiful. The world seemed so sharp and clear and there was a sense that time was standing still. It was an 'out of body experience' or a sense of being 'reborn'. I will never forget it; always be intensely grateful. What we achieved in that chatbox is incredibly, superbly special to me.