I have been reading about bi-polar lately, a brain disorder where there are unusual shifts in mood, energy, activity levels and the ability to carry out daily tasks. A person with this condition can go from intense emotional states where they might be overly joyful to a state where they are extremely sad. I definitely don't know enough about this condition to say anything prescriptive about it. However, it does seem to be the case that many people who are diagnosed with the condition are medicated, but not all that much occurs in terms of looking at what can be done with the unbearable thoughts people may experience.
With bi-polar it seems that people can move from an emotional state where they think that everything is hopelessly damaged to one where they think that life is wonderful. The feeling that "life is wonderful" can appear as a piece of 'magic' because the depressive thoughts have lifted; vanished. And, who wouldn't be thrilled about the fact that this has happened?
It also appears that this "magic" can evolve via some formula devised by the person. It might be a different job or career; perhaps a new deal or financial break or success. It might be a new love or sex with a new person. It might be a gambling win, alcohol or drugs or it might be a shopping spree. It might be a bout of BDSM; the opportunity to bind or be bound; to whip or be whipped; to be used or to use. I'm not saying I know anything special here. I am just speculating, opening the door to a thought...
Lately, I have been working with my cravings for BDSM; rather than giving in to the idea that I must be given some BDSM experience or I can't be happy, I have sat with the notion that it is not currently available to me. At first, it did feel hopeless. It was a deeply disturbing feeling and I often felt sad; frustrated; lonely.
I've practised sitting with this unpleasant feeling and there has been a change in my thinking. Rather than try to flee from the unpleasant thought I have begun to submit to the feeling. My life is currently not operating on a optimal level but I am in some strange way developing new inner resources to deal with that. I am not blissfully happy but I am looking at my reality square in the face and I am developing the inner resources to cope without falling into depressive thoughts about my current situation. This sense of things leads me to understand (to have the conscious thought) that nothing last forever and that things will get better. I can realistically expect that I can have wonderful BDSM experiences some time in the future. Just not right now.
What I am trying to say to anyone out there listening to me is that if you have intolerable emotions and feel that your situation is hopeless, rather than go looking for the magic bullet to cut yourself off from those extremely uncomfortable emotions, maybe you should sit with them for a time. Over time, you may discover that they are not so intolerable after all. Your feelings may not be so black. You may come to see that with a more realistic sense of what is going on internally and what ways you find to alleviate those awful feelings, there is a more measured thought to calm you; there is a deeper relationship with yourself; a stronger, more resilient self.
When we are in a forest, it can be hard to see anything but trees. But, if you let yourself sit back and view the horizon, things can become more clear. Life may not be perfect but it is not hopeless either. We can anticipate better days. This too will pass.
With bi-polar it seems that people can move from an emotional state where they think that everything is hopelessly damaged to one where they think that life is wonderful. The feeling that "life is wonderful" can appear as a piece of 'magic' because the depressive thoughts have lifted; vanished. And, who wouldn't be thrilled about the fact that this has happened?
It also appears that this "magic" can evolve via some formula devised by the person. It might be a different job or career; perhaps a new deal or financial break or success. It might be a new love or sex with a new person. It might be a gambling win, alcohol or drugs or it might be a shopping spree. It might be a bout of BDSM; the opportunity to bind or be bound; to whip or be whipped; to be used or to use. I'm not saying I know anything special here. I am just speculating, opening the door to a thought...
Lately, I have been working with my cravings for BDSM; rather than giving in to the idea that I must be given some BDSM experience or I can't be happy, I have sat with the notion that it is not currently available to me. At first, it did feel hopeless. It was a deeply disturbing feeling and I often felt sad; frustrated; lonely.
I've practised sitting with this unpleasant feeling and there has been a change in my thinking. Rather than try to flee from the unpleasant thought I have begun to submit to the feeling. My life is currently not operating on a optimal level but I am in some strange way developing new inner resources to deal with that. I am not blissfully happy but I am looking at my reality square in the face and I am developing the inner resources to cope without falling into depressive thoughts about my current situation. This sense of things leads me to understand (to have the conscious thought) that nothing last forever and that things will get better. I can realistically expect that I can have wonderful BDSM experiences some time in the future. Just not right now.
What I am trying to say to anyone out there listening to me is that if you have intolerable emotions and feel that your situation is hopeless, rather than go looking for the magic bullet to cut yourself off from those extremely uncomfortable emotions, maybe you should sit with them for a time. Over time, you may discover that they are not so intolerable after all. Your feelings may not be so black. You may come to see that with a more realistic sense of what is going on internally and what ways you find to alleviate those awful feelings, there is a more measured thought to calm you; there is a deeper relationship with yourself; a stronger, more resilient self.
When we are in a forest, it can be hard to see anything but trees. But, if you let yourself sit back and view the horizon, things can become more clear. Life may not be perfect but it is not hopeless either. We can anticipate better days. This too will pass.
oh my Vesta, your post could not come at a more opportune moment - this is something I am wrestling with - learning to sit with the uncomfortable feelings rather than hiding (and not dealing) with them. Thank you so much for posting. Axx
ReplyDeleteThank you.
ReplyDeletemagick: You are entirely welcome. I so often wonder how you are going. Please do drop me a line when you have a moment. And should I not get another opportunity, Happy Holidays to you!
ReplyDeleteAlice: I got the sense that there was quite a bit behind that "thank you". It is my absolute pleasure. I sincerely hope it helped.
Wonderful post...absolutely so!
ReplyDeleteHugs,
mouse
Vesta, I've lived with bi-polar my entire life. You are right, the key to managing is to stay conscious of the horizon.
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately there are times when the disorder does not allow me to see that far, but forces me into the immediacy of the cycle. I has taken me 50 years of hard work to get to the point where I can lock onto that unseen horizon, with faith only, hang on to it as tightly as I can, because when i am in the middle of a bi-polar cycle, the horizon is not there, can't be reached and everything in me is telling me that it is not real and does not exist. Not damaging yourself comes down to that faith, that this will end, that things will change.
I can say, from personal experience, that strength of will does nothing, other than perhaps make the experience even more grinding. The only option is to control yourself enough to ride it out without doing yourself and those around you harm. It is exhausting. To overcome and manage bi-polar is an exercise in endurance. If you can learn to endure the discomfort, at some point you will come out the other side.
I wanted to echo both magick and Alice... but I left a comment sitting for hours with just an "I ..."
ReplyDeleteIt's a very good post. Thank you.
What a beautiful post ~ thank you for sharing your experience with this. You describe so well one of the things i try to help my clients learn ~ and to remember myself.
ReplyDeleteDistress tolerance ~ the ability to tolerate the unpleasant emotions ~ is a powerful tool. I'm glad you're finding it helpful.
aisha
omega and mouse: Thank you.
ReplyDeletelittlemonkey: I very much appreciate your comment. I hope I didn't come off as suggesting that there is any easy fix to bi-polar. I am convinced that whilst one is in the midst of the cycle it must be very easy to feel lost, or to not feel that one can see far. I made a friend when doing a graduate diploma right after university and I only recently found out that she is bi-polar. It explained a lot of her behaviour that I had not understood before. She has chosen to go off her medication because she doesn't like the in-between feeling. She misses the highs. I have tried to teach her to slow down her thoughts and responses with her family so that they don't upset her so much (and she doesn't upset them so much). She can really want to take that on board...have that in her mind as her intention...only to launch into a manic cleaning spree as soon as she gets to her daughter's house after having not seen her for a year. The daughter takes off and she escapes to the country and the rift continues on. She didn't want that outcome. It just evolved. But, away from her family and the stress of those relationships, she is happy and productive and hence she lives in another country. I see a very good woman, so adoring of dogs and horses and excellent with her students, suffer. I have the greatest empathy.
I have a deep respect for the value of 'mindfulness' - to try to stay in the moment, to be aware of the thoughts in one's head, to be aware of the relationship between the mind and the body and to "notice" what is going on; not to obsess about it but to notice it and use relaxation techniques to slow the breathing and calm the mind to think as clearly as possible. As a sufferer of PMS when I often thought very black thoughts the day before my period and very happy thoughts the next day when my period arrived, I relate to those times when one is deep in the forest. But, I seek to moderate my experiences now, as best as anyone can do that and to recognize what is going on. I'd encourage you to read about mindfulness because it may help you in the rough patches. Sending you every good wish.
Conina: Thank you. Appreciate that.
aisha: I used to think that therapy was a waste of time but I am a big fan now. If the patient/client works hard and really wants to change, much can be done to teach them to fend so much better for themselves. I first became interested in what I call "self soothing" maybe 6 years ago. I didn't know enough to put it into best practice. Nowadays, I know to be aware of the thoughts going through my head making my life difficult and the physiological responses to the anxiety. That sort of mindfulness gives someone the power to effect what happens next which, I think, gives them a sense of power over their life. It allows someone to see the big picture and the ebb and flow of a relationship, a life. How exciting it must be for you to be able to teach such methods and help people live better lives. I get quite a buzz out of assisting someone in a small way such as via this journal!
... still here... reading... Hang in there sweet girl!
ReplyDeleteLove,
cassie
withasenseofpride.blogspot.com
cassie: I don't know why but a short comment like this with such a loving sentiment therein brings tears to my eyes. Many, many thanks.
ReplyDelete