I went to my group meditation class today and I was happy to get there in amongst a very complicated schedule right now. I had made it to no ‘calming’ activities last week – not yoga or Pilates or meditation and not even much walking of the dogs. So, I felt good to be there in amongst the group. I had had a good morning and nothing was standing in my way of just “letting go” and enjoying this special hour of my week.
However, about half way through the meditation hour I began to feel unwell. I was wearing a plug and I thought it might have been about that but I used the techniques I know to talk myself through that. It wasn’t my decision (well it was but I have a good imagination and anyway, I still use techniques I have been taught) and I had to let go and accept. But, just when I thought I was getting on top of the wooziness I broke out into a sweat and I realized that I needed water. It was a very hot day, the door and windows were closed and the energy from the other people had created a still, lifeless source of air.
I tried to convince myself that I was all right. An acquaintance had recently told me of being stuck in a tunnel in rural China and feeling that he couldn’t breathe and his wife had needed to talk him through that distress. So, I reminded myself that I had enough air to breathe and tried to assure myself that I was okay. Yet, with low blood pressure I know what it is to faint and it was becoming apparent that my body was refusing to co-operate with these thoughts and I was about to keel over.
I opened my eyes and could see that the rest of the people in the room were intensely into their own thing. They had no idea of my panic and trouble and I just could not disturb the meditation. I thought of trying to race out of the room to get water but I doubted I could make it without fainting. Momentarily, I thought of lying down on the floor and lying on my side. It was exactly what I wanted to do, but I was well aware participants would ‘feel’ this movement and come to my aid.
Eventually, I moved out of the chair and sat on the floor with my back to the wall and although I was far from well, the air was a little cooler down there and over a few minutes I started to feel that I could make it through to the end of the hour. Once the teacher asked people to open their eyes, I said that I was going for water. Of course, Rebecca came after me worried as to my welfare but I assured her I was okay and I returned to the room to say my ‘goodbyes’.
On reflection, the muggy, sultry, cloudy weather we have been experiencing had put my body into a severe migraine overload which began on the weekend. On Sunday, my stress maxed out and unable to process the events around me, I did manage to save myself by heading off to a coffee shop and settling down my breathing. Alas, there was not much I could do about the dreadful pain in my head, neck and shoulders. It was not until today that I had the good sense to put myself to bed this afternoon and later at the market, to buy myself a piece of almond nougat, and now, to drink a cup of coffee. Only migraine sufferers understand such techniques.
I have been thinking about this experience of the past few days. I went close to not being able to take care of myself and this made me feel intensely vulnerable. I was extremely embarrassed that I was unwell and extremely uncomfortable at the thought that I needed to ask for help. In fact, I could have been much more unwell – say, having a heart attack – and chances are high that I would have tried to fend for myself; to get myself home or to the hospital without seeking the help of another person.
I think this experience plays into my whole attitude about asking for things – kinky things and any number of practical things. Being vulnerable is an emotion I fear at the same time as being a doll that is vulnerable to those that play with her, turns me on. I fear the emotion of vulnerability and I crave the emotion of vulnerability; am deeply aroused by having zero control.
I cannot explain this incongruity. I cannot explain why I try so very hard to manage so much on my own at the same time as I seek to ‘let go’ and have all control taken away. I was thrilled to discover the silence in following my breath all the way to the top and the bottom of my breath; to stop controlling my breath and letting my breathing do it all by itself. That moment occurred a few weeks ago in the very room where I felt so embarrassed and vulnerable today. That the attention of the group would be drawn towards me was something I definitely did not want. I have absolutely no desire to be the centre of attention at the same time as I crave the attention of the dominant – to be his sole focus.
It is something I don’t have a handle on. I just feel incredibly grateful to have stumbled across BDSM techniques and the opportunity to explore the side of my nature that processes humiliation and vulnerability so positively.
There is a TV advertisement doing the rounds in North America at present that is part of a marketing campaign for Microsoft Windows 7. It shows a man at home playing XBox with his family using the Kinect interface, which interprets body movements as instructions to the XBox. He is playing a game called Dance Central, in which you try to follow along with dance moves displayed on the screen. As is often the case when you're trying something physical for the first time, he makes lots of mistakes and looks quite absurd. While he is doing this, a teenage girl (presumably his daughter) is filming it on her digital camera. Making a fool of yourself in front of your family in this context is all good fun, and I think most of us would not cringe too much if the video were played back to other family members in the room within in a safe and sympathetic context.
ReplyDeleteHowever, the girl then passes the camera to her older brother, who downloads the video to his Windows 7 computer, sets it to techno music and posts it up on their facebook account for public consumption. Microsoft then finishes with some tag line that it's great to have some family fun. FAMILY FUN?? Not any more - if it were me in that situation, I would punch the perpetrator’s lights out. The embarrassment level changes significantly, depending on audience. My wife and I have both remarked on how wide of the mark Microsoft appears to be in this respect. But perhaps it's a generation thing and I'm on the wrong side of the divide.
Bringing things back to our kinky level, there are many people in power exchange relationships with whom I have corresponded who are also fetishists, and I would count myself among them. Fetishistic submissives have very powerful triggers that can be manipulated to great effect by their Dominants. Fetishistic Dominants are often able to imbue in their submissives an element of fetishism as a pavlovian response, even if they do not naturally share the fetish. So for example, by dressing in a certain fashion or in a certain material, the submissive begins to associate that experience with their being Dominated and used, and hence with sexual pleasure.
I am sure that many such relationships require the outward appearance of the participants to diverge greatly from publically acceptable dress codes. The submissive may well feel uncomfortable with anyone other than their Dom seeing them like this, as their fetish, and their relationship, is something of a "dirty secret". Indeed seeing the situation that way can form part of the attraction.
There are some fetishistic Dominants, however, that wish their submissive's fetish dress code to extend beyond their playtimes and become their primary mode of dress. Let's take Rubberists as an example. In their case, it may be important that the sub wears rubber when out and about, and it is seen as a test of the submissive's devotion to comply. Then it becomes a form of psychological treatment where the sub is gradually exposed to situations where they are uncomfortable, and learns to overcome their fears, progressing into more and more extreme scenarios until the fear is totally managed out. This is called Aversion Therapy and is often used to treat phobias in the Vanilla world. Following this path, while attractive to many kinky couples, can add significant strain to a D/s relationship and should be treated very seriously and delicately if it is to be performed successfully.
Your being plugged in public is something I am sure adds a frisson of excitement to your day. I am also guessing that it being secret is part of the thrill. If everyone knew, you'd probably be humiliated and embarrassed and the fun would be gone. That's entirely natural. I don't see that being in conflict with your enjoyment of humiliation in a safe, private environment with the only person in the world who understands and shares your scenes. It's healthy to question your responses, but in this case I think you're being tough on yourself.
rollymo: I wasn't at all embarassed about the wearing of the plug. It's something I have done hundreds of times before and I like the secret. There is no one in my life with an expectation that I wear it specifically at a given time during the day but it is something that I do for myself, knowing that it helps and certainly, my husband encourages it, seeing the results in my state of mind.
ReplyDeleteWhat caused the embarrassment was my vulnerability to being unwell: that I may need to ask for the assistance of others; that I may need to interrupt the gathering and signal that I was in distress; that I needed to draw attention to myself.
I am exploring here the fact that I was extremely reluctant to cause any sort of fuss (to be vulnerable effectively) when the submissive side of my nature can think of nothing more appealing than being the entire focus of the Dominant; that I have experienced vulnerability and processed it entirely positively.
Whilst I don't have answers per se, the vulnerability of a D/s situation (writing lines, anal training, treated like a thing/little girl, chastised and lectured, corrected) seems to be operating in a different part of my brain to all other forms of vulnerability in my life. This form of vulnerability is eroticized.
I'm not entirely sure if it is the same form of eroticism at work as when the dominant trains the submissive to enjoy the wearing of rubber or latex. I suspect so. Once you tap into the submissive's desire to please you, the Pavlovian effect is probably well in play. I have often wondered if I have been 'hypnotized' but found myself enjoying the outcome so very much, I ceased to care whether I was or not and just enjoyed the ride.
Sorry, I must be having an off day. Re-reading your original post I can see now what you are conveying. Thank you for taking the trouble to elucidate further rather than politely asking me to re-read the original! :)
ReplyDeleteI think we all do a bit of what you do. To be vulnerable is to invite people in behind your shields, to admit your weaknesses, to lay them bare for others to view. From the standpoint of being a lover, vulnerability is essential. We admire others for their strengths, we love them for their weaknesses. To show your vulnerability to your Dom, to revel in it, to push it further, is nothing more than a celebration of those quirks that make you adorable.
To show that in public, in general, every day, is to open yourself up to abuse. It's a battlefield out there, and to be vulnerable is to invite unwanted attention from those who might hurt you, or might denigrate you for being weak.
I can directly understand this sentiment looking back at my wife's punk years. To me, she looked absolutely spectacular and entirely enchanting with her crimped, spiked up hair, pan-stick make-up and black eyeliner, but that was not the impression she was trying to portray. Instead, she used her make-up and external personal as a form of shield - a bit like the thorns on a rose stem - warning others to stay away. Only when she felt safe and protected did she let that guard fall, to reveal the tender, soft-centred creature that lay below. In truth it was her underlying insecurity and vulnerability that led her to put up those barriers and to shy away from reaching out to others, or inviting others to reach out to her.
rollymo: Wow! You really had her number, didn't you! And, that you got through that shield made you a candidate.
ReplyDeleteMy veneer was (still is) that I move fast as if I am going somewhere and haven't time to be interrupted (though, I must admit a lot of people ask me for the time or for directions (such a waste of time asking *me* for direction but anyway...). It is the rare man who seems willing to risk getting through the barriers we put up which is what makes it so special when someone does and it almost automatically makes them worthy of our interest and attention. This is the opposite of the couple of dozen men/boys that would circle my daughter at nightclubs (before her man came along to keep them at bay) and she would deflect them all like flies.
It truly is a "battlefield" out there. A neighbour of ours has currently become a pastor. He is trying to pull a swifty with us re building a new house and when my husband called him on his unscrupulous behaviour he had this line that "man is flawed" and he is "weak". What a load of hogwash! There is the right way and the wrong way to do things and people are simply ignoring normal standards of behaviour and etiquette because they want what they want and they want it yesterday and they won't let anyone stand in their way. Who cares how many people they walk over to get it! That's the new thinking. It sucks.
Lol! I just didn't see the barriers, it was as simple as that, so I sailed right through them. To me, her appearance was perfection, she has the most beautiful eyes which her make-up accentuated and her entire persona was dark and mysterious and alluring. I could go into reams of detail about our story, but it's not pertinent or appropriate for this blog.
ReplyDeletePerhaps your husband didn't see your barriers, and your daughter's husband didn't see hers. We as a species have techniques of partner selection that I believe are entirely primeval and subconscious, despite our (crumbling) structures of civilized behaviour.
Your pitiful pastor is the canary in the coal mine, I fear. I'm reminded of the lyrics of a song by Suede, entitled "The more we possess, the less we own of ourselves", which speaks to the societal pressures of materialism. That seems to be the new church of the Western world, unfortunately. It's an empty, soul-less doctrine that seduces even those who are guardians of our souls. Shame.
rollymo: You sound so much like someone I know - from being attracted to "dark girls"...to a fetishist...to bemoaning materialism... It is almost as if someone is playing a trick...perhaps you have a brother?? LOL
ReplyDeleteMy daughter is not married yet but is rather besotted by her boyfriend. That's a whole other story.
I was kinda hoping that in this whole world economic mess there was an opportunity for people to rethink what they want out of life but alas, I think we are too far down the road of greed and self-involvement. It is disheartening, for sure.
What an excellent post Vesta!
ReplyDeleteThere is no place where things are crazier than Greece at the moment but would i be wrong in saying that i am very glad (i should say relieved!) that you are writing again?
love,
cassie
withasenseofpride.blogspot.com
cassie: Awwwwwww, thank you! It feels good to be writing again...processing...analyzing...on these pages, anyway.
ReplyDeleteLooking forward to catching up with you and hope that things there are looking up. Did a little Christmas shopping here this afternoon and massive sales everywhere which isn't a good sign for Oz either.
Vesta,
ReplyDeleteIt's confusing at times what goes on in our minds. Maybe it's about appearances, like you don't want be seen as a person who gets the "vapers" like a character in Gone with the Wind, but you don't mind if your Dominant sees you that way.
Think maybe we all do that.
Hugs,
mouse
omega and mouse: I have noticed all my life that as far as pain goes, I just try to endure. There was a time in Hong Kong some years ago where my husband was sitting right across from me reading the paper. We were in a fancy hotel and I experienced intense pain. I said I was going to find a pharmacy downstairs but the panadol (or whatever) did nothing. When I finally told him that I was in unbearable pain (a total shock to him - that is how much I contained it) he went into high alert, calling people to get a taxi and whisking me away. I just find that I respond to pain in a very isolated way and try to fend for myself.
ReplyDeleteThere is one exception to this rule. Once, I was lingering in a hospital and the nursing staff were being so slack and I just had had enough. I insisted on speaking to the Matron and telling her what I thought of things (and the doctor backed me up later). On the day I left hospital, she told me that it was good I was being discharged because I was becoming "institutionalized". Yeah, right!!
I think there is something in all the D/s that really plays on opposite emotions, reations, the yin-yang balance. In "real life" pain, humiliation, and the vulnerablity of asking for help, creating a scene are situations we would do all we could to avoid. Yet we crave the same things with our Doms. I think at our most submissive moments we really express our humanity. We often learn a lot about ourselves in these intense moments.
ReplyDeleteIf this happens again though please ask for help, even if embarrasing. Those are dangerous signals.
Glad you are back! *Hugs*
Serenity: Yes. Doms/tops (at least the ones I have been in contact with) don't have that reticence at all. They don't experience this sort of in-public vulnerability (or do they? please don't hesitate to correct me...) They tend to sneeze loudly and get what they want and make things happen. But, submissives are not at all inclined to want the spotlight on them or to make a fuss. I do take your point that I was being a bit of a dill; perhaps not that time but if it should have been more serious. I'll try to do better next time.
ReplyDeleteI was watching this musical over the weekend and it was about a man about to get married and whether he was marrying the right girl: the other girl seemed so "vulnerable". Someone who allows that vulnerability to show, to shine out, can be someone else's beacon of light. There is definitely a yin:yan balance, I believe. After all, we are taught to hide that vulnerability - from the narcissist and from the seductive psychopath. It is a huge leap of faith for many, many women.