So much less

At the current time, my life is incredibly full and complex. There is so much to do and so little time to get it all done. It will be some kind of miracle if in the next 10 days I can do what I have to do.

Yet, I come here to this web journal of mine to write a little something. I do that because this web journal is my retreat from the real world of 'to do' lists, of people who rely on me, of people for whom I am responsible. In this little space, I can be just the essence of myself. I can be nothing more than an object; a plaything; a doll; at best, just a hole.

When the world of responsibility and labour gets too much and my head spins with all the details of not just my life but many lives, it is this space which soothes and settles me.

I heard yesterday of a man who killed two wives and several other people, it seems. His victims were nurses of a certain age: women who had served all their lives and he enchanted them by providing them with attention and being of service to them. Suddenly they had a man in their lives who would have dinner waiting for them; who was willing to give them a back rub. Having fallen in love, their money was his for the taking and when he was ready, he planned their demise.

It is understandable; a woman being attracted to a man who offers care. The vast majority of women work very hard; care very deeply and happily give to their families quite selflessly. A man who offers them attention and affection; who is willing to tend to them is certainly an aphrodisiac.

The woman with a submissive nature is giving; caring; unselfish. Service is part of her makeup and she tends to go the extra mile to see that all is well in her home. Perhaps this is why she can so readily melt into a very small space; to find succor in giving up all control; to let go and simply follow instructions; to allow her body to be used (and thus pleasured) at will.

Seeing the need to bunker down to my small space after months of intense labor, my Owner objectified me on the weekend because it was clear that I needed that. As he "used" me he talked quietly to me: "You are just a hole, cindi; a hole for me to use...You need your holes filled...A hole needs no words...Just do as you are told...

As the minutes wore into hours I could feel my state of mind soar. I felt revived and revitalized. I felt lighter; brighter; energized. I floated through the rest of the day and my invigorated state of mind was evident to me and to him.

Some time ago, I underwent a transformation of sorts and it was not for the short term. I know who I am and I know what I need and what is good for me.

When I am less, I feel so very much more.