If any one of my friends knew of me as I express myself here or in 'bimboland' it would distress them, I think. It wouldn't just be a shock, it would be disorienting and confusing and enough for them to wonder if they should continue to associate with me.
I agree it is an obsession. I think about sex, humiliating scenes and extreme containment rather a lot. I venture to say I think about it every day and sometimes many times in a day. Whilst I don't really know why I am fixated on these topics I do know that it has something to do with finding a sense of peace within myself - stripping myself down to the bare minimum; the primal me.
I am at a bit of a loss why this sort of preoccupation is not a lot more prevalent; why I should be the aberration. Is it so strange to want to be tied up, beaten, used and objectified?! Oh, yes, I see. I suppose it is.
But honestly, I am not doing anyone harm and nor am I doing myself any harm here. I find it abundantly relaxing and invigorating to think these thoughts and to experience these states. My body fills with 'feel good' endorphins and enables me to return to the real world and give.
My son and I have divided perfectionism up into two categories - the perfectionism that works for you and the perfectionism that works against you. You can have an obsession to draw marvellously and keep trying to hone your craft. That is perfectionism that works for you.Whereas you can feel that your drawing is never good enough and you crumple up each one and throw the drawings away and that is a perfectionism that is working against you. Having an obsession/craving/strong desire to be a wonderful drawer is perfectly healthy so long as it is kept in balance. We must do more than draw.
This obsession of mine brings me closer to the 'inner me'; brings me closer to my husband; to a sense of the Divine in all things and within me. It softens me, reduces me, relaxes me and comforts me. It allows me to feel that I am living as I want to live; as I am meant to live. It makes me happy. It is a solace; a quiet place in a very loud world. It is a source of light and a source of good. It is not all of me but it is the essence of me; something that can't be separated from me.
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Vesta, I believe that the obsession you describe is much more common than you think. IMHO, many people wish to submit, and fantasize about lots of submissive behaviors, such as extreme containment, humiliation, etc. However, few blog about it (and kudos to you for doing so)! I also think that many more people subconsiously long to submit, but can't bring themselves to terms with this on a conscious level.
ReplyDeleteIf I'm right (and my beliefs are admittedly based on a small sample size), then you can take comfort in being less alone than you may think. And at the same time, you can take pride in your uniqueness for both facing up to your needs and desires and for having the strength and ability to talk about them with us readers.
Ongoing thanks for your intelligent and interesting posts!
When your obsession helps you be better, to restore your soul and help you server others, maybe it could be looked upon as a healthy habit instead of an obsession.:)
ReplyDeleteYou combine your obsession with a very balanced life, which is very important as well.
Vesta,
ReplyDeleteStands up and raises hand...mouse is thoroughly obsessed. And after thinking about it a bit more...really likes it that way!
Hugs,
mouse
Vesta, thank you for sharing your thoughts. I spend a great amount of time thinking about, fantasizing about, submitting. While some of my fantasies may not be all that "dark", I too think that if some of my friends knew of my "real feelings", they would probably distance themselves from me.
ReplyDeleteTake comfort in knowing you are not alone :) I really enjoy your blog.
Take care,
Sky
I completely and totally understand this feeling.
ReplyDeleteI think your "many times in a day" is actually quite low. I think about sex, submitting, use, several times an hour on most days. If I have something constructive to immerse myself in, like a large complex project, then it's less, but if my day is filled with mindless chores or things I've done over and over then a whole section of my brain just thinks how much it would rather be involved in a (hopefully kinky) sex act of some kind.
Sometimes little things set me off; the word "penetrate" or "penetration" in any context, or the word "stretch" especially. If in mixed company I betray no outward sign, but my internal workings are fired up.
I love your ability to intelligently examine and discuss these tendencies.
Jake: I have read your comment a few times now and I really am most grateful for the things you shared with me. I agree that there probably are a lot more people than there appear to be who want similar sorts of things but aren't ready to express that (perhaps even to themselves). There is even a fair degree of submission involved in being a good dominant, I suspect. Accepting that control over someone takes a good deal of self-control.
ReplyDeleteThe thoughts about humiliation never cease to fascinate me. I mean, the positions I put myself in in my fantasies are pretty torrid and on the odd occasion where I experienced it for real in all its glory...well, it is an incredibly hot memory!
I try to just write for me and if there are readers who are appreciative, so be it. But, I confess I am grateful to know that the words do resonant with you. Thank you.
Serenity: I agree that I don't feel that there is anything unhealthy about what I am doing. It is, however, a pre-occupation and if you took it away from me, I may behave no better than a kid who lost his lollipop!
mouse: Good for you!
Sky: I am so pleased to hear you enjoy reading here. I try not to let it enter my mind - the reactions of friends if they knew, but the simple fact is it is tittilating info, isn't it, and people do so like to spread that around and feed off it and that thought really appalls me.
Conina: Oh boy, I know what you mean. "Stretch" is like a GO sign for me. I think these thoughts flitter through my mind in an almost constant stream of consciousness, really. Some days are more focused on the real world than others because I have so much to do. Yet, the more I have to do, the more I will relax at some stage when I can by allowing my mind full focus on these thoughts. What the psychologists would do with that info, eh?!