Push and pull

I have been having a rough time lately (and cindi has too). As much as I have loved my experiences of burrowing further down into a submissive place, I have struggled with it, too. There have been many moments when I feel there is a tug of war going on in my mind and I have no real idea who is going to win - the part of me that feels that her worth as a loving, intelligent being has been put into question in some way and the part of me that is never happier when I am in my sweet spot of total obedience and submission. I have had something of a dream run lately and so this hump in the road has been felt with all associated discomfort.

So, I walk. I keep busy. I exercise. I try not to allow my mind to dwell too much on the dilemma. The answer will come, I figure. It will come in its own sweet time and I need to try to just relax about it all. I go to the gym and I do an advanced Pilates class. You can't think and focus in there when the going gets really tough and that suits me fine. I allow my mind to drift in the relaxation time at the end of the class and nothing especially profound comes to me today. I debate whether to stop for coffee and since I've run to the gym, I decide that a cup of coffee would be a nice treat before I run back. I order the coffee and pick up the daily paper. I see Mary.

"Do you want to go on reading the paper?" I ask.

"I'm going to the weights class," she says, but makes no move to go. I sit down and the nice boy behind the counter brings me my coffee.

Mary launches into a tirade about what she is reading. The election is a mess. Neither party is up to addressing the needs of the nation. Nobody has the information to address the challenges of the environment, she says. As I listen quietly, she moves quite naturally into the topic that is closest to her heart and I am delighted she has done so and I hang on every word.

I've known Mary for several months now and I felt right away that she was going to be important in my life. But, our conversations are really just sandwiched into the conversation of a group of women and this was the first time that I had her all to myself.

She met her husband at 20 and they married eight weeks later having fallen in love at first sight. They raised four children until he went for a bike ride and never returned, having had a heart attack. She was devastated. He was the love of her life. But, she's strong, Mary, and she continued with her work and brought up the children on her own and did a very fine job of that.

Inside, she was just heart broken and in her quest to survive this experience of loss she learned about meditation and she says that it saved her. Over time, she began to read about religion in general, as opposed to specific religious beliefs and she went looking for what is common in religion. Ultimately, she has chosen to believe that we all evolve; that we are reincarnated many times and that if we are evolving well, as she believes we both are, we are probably in our 30th life.

She believes that she has a guide that goes with her through her life and helps her with her hardest decisions. And, she believes that she does not make hard decisions alone but that her guide brings those correct decisions to her. She cited many examples (and never did get to her exercise class, by the way).

I am sure you can imagine that I was spellbound. I said nothing, fearing that I would stop her in her tracks. I wanted to hear every last word of what she had to say. My own mentor had opened the door some months ago to me getting closer to Mary and here was the opportunity. I was seizing it. Finally, it seemed the right time to ask some questions:

"Mary, I know you loved David passionately. But, did you ever fight?"

"Often. We fought long and hard but we always made up."

"Us too."

"I have learned through my reading and spiritual leader that it is preferable if there is push and pull between two people; two passionate people in love."

"Yet, there is often a dominant partner in a marriage..."

"Yes, there is. There was..."

"But, it is okay to have arguments with a partner, from a spiritual point of view?"

"It is more than okay. It is preferred. The push and pull of a passionate relationship is what keeps it strong and nurtured and alive."

"That's nice to know."

"Yes, it was for me, too."

We talked a little longer. We truly are kindred spirits just on the cusp of opening up to each other but I can't tell you what this conversation meant to me. I felt like my 'guardian angel', that spirit that walks with me had led me into the room to find Mary there alone, ready to aid me.

I think in so many ways in this journey I've wanted to be the most submissive, the most obedient I could be, finding fault in myself every time I felt that need to push or pull. I did not want and I don't want to win. But, I do need sometimes to push and to express myself and to challenge the call. I feel that keenly. And, spiritually speaking, in a passionate and loving and enduring relationship, that is perfectly all right.

I'm still processing what this means to me. I've not found the dominant man especially comfortable with my need to push or pull at his commands at all. But, that in some deeply spiritual way this is how it is actually meant to be, soothes my weary soul.