It has been said that I write here on this web journal either when I am joyful or upset. I haven't taken the time to look for exceptions to this hypothesis (and hopefully I could find a good few if I bothered) but I am willing to concede that this may be the truth. I have experienced such happiness in a power dynamic and such disappointment when it is not present, that my writing gyrates from one extreme to the other a lot of the time.
The comment was timely for it seems to me that I am faced with the challenge of finding my own stability and a level of independence (self-soothing?) at a time when my husband has chosen (for reasons he can't articulate right now) to not participate in the dynamic with me. Don't get me wrong. He still wants a well behaved girl, a supportive partner and one who knows what her responsibilities are on any given day. He still wants a loving relationship and to know that I am willing and wanting whenever he chooses to have me. He still expects that I will mind my words and be right behind all the decision he makes on my behalf. All this is a constant in our lives. Nothing alters on that score.
However, he is not really in the mindset for play. He isn't inclined to the delicious little games we have played in the past few years - keeping close/within "cunt reach", returning from the bathroom at a restaurant and handing him my panties, referring to one another as cindi/owner when out and about, etc. He shows next to no interest in spanking me or whipping me and so on and he is more interested in me showing control of myself throughout this situation than him actually overtly controlling me. (Or, should I look on that as controlling me in a positive way too?)
I imagine this happens to many power exchange relationships - when one person,for one reason or another,opts out. Of course, this is when 'communication' is meant to come to the fore, or so I would have thought, but he isn't inclined to discuss it at this time, either.
It is said that at the heart of every power exchange relationship must lay a good relationship first. Certainly, we were married long before we transformed it (so very much for the better, I thought) into a power exchange relationship and come what may, it is our marriage (the core relationship)that much endure.
I am not going to pretend that I have not found this situation painful. It has been confronting, confusing, disappointing and yes, very painful. But, the love, friendship, loyalty and care endures on both sides of this relationship.
After much reflection, I feel that all I can do is to hold onto all that I have learned in this amazing and most wondrous forum. I shall continue to live according to my nature - that of a well trained submissive girl. And, one day soon he may just once again come my way.
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I find it interesting that you believe your current situation is the polar opposite of the dynamic you had. Of course, we only get a glimpse of your life through this blog, so it may very well be that way.
ReplyDeleteIf your husband felt comfortable pulling away from the overt D/s relationship that you shared (as opposed to just letting it fade away subtly), I think it shows the strength of your relationship. He clearly trusts that you'll be there for him - even when it is a decision that he knows you will not fully agree with.
I know I have a very limited view of the situation through your writing, but the D/s aspect may not be disintegrating. Sometimes it's just necessary to take a step back to really understand and reshape what you have.
I really hope he does find a way to clearly articulate to you why he has made this decision. I wish you the best!
Be well.
Vesta,
ReplyDeleteThis is hard to hear about, it must be quite difficult for you to work through. Of course, the marriage, and the person you married, are first and formost. You have written so eloquently here about the things you have learned about yourself, how you have been tranformed. Which of us knows where any journey we undertake will lead us? I wish you strength and peace, in your home and in your heart.
Thank you to the dear friends who have commented here and also behind the scenes. I think I had better straighten out something right away. There was no sudden announcement of any sort, but rather a dwindling of interest, time and attention given over a long period of time. Although I did my best to tell him, he just hasn't been available to hear how much upset it was causing me until the moment came when I just had to 'announce' the state of play.
ReplyDeleteNot that he reads here too often. I have no idea when or if he will actually ever read this. But, in my mind at least, I had to call a spade a spade. He needs to address what is ailing him and submissive or not, I must, this one time, insist that he do so.
I don't think we're down for the count. Not at all. But, stubborn men can be their own worst enemies and on this matter, I am making my feelings very clear. It is up to him to come my way this time. This is *his* time to shine.
Once again, no words, just hugs.
ReplyDeleteBig ones.
Jz: Sometimes, just a hug is exactly right. Thank God, I feel so much better now. Man, what was that all about, anyway...
ReplyDelete