True Purpose

At some point a submissive will be challenged - challenged to do the thing that she finds very hard. She may have agreed. She may view a successful outcome of the challenge as a personal goal for herself, but nonetheless she is challenged. The challenge may be physical or emotional or both, since a negative message in her mind will make the challenge physically difficult, if not impossible, in any case.

A shrewd dominant gives a submissive time and space to jog along at her own pace, even longer than she may wish. Being in one's comfort zone is, well, comfortable, but inevitably it is human to wish to feel challenged and to wish to seek the next level of accomplishment, no matter what the subject matter - submission, artistic skill, or seniority at work. I don't mean that everyone wishes to be challenged. I know some people would prefer to be comfortable forever, but those that read here can, I believe, appreciate a submissive's desire to want to grow in her submission.

I am such a submissive. Being comfortable is very pleasant but I didn't come this far to sit around and simply ponder my accomplishments this far and casually wonder what else there might be out there to experience. I want to feel and learn and achieve much, much more. Hence, when a challenge is thrown out to me, I seize it and grasp it as tightly as if it were my own. In fact, it really is my own challenge. I'm in a consultative process from the point of view that enough questions are asked of me to make it crystal clear what I want. I do indeed wish to be challenged.

Of course, wishing to be challenged and being challenged are sometimes two different things. It is a bit like day dreaming a whipping and experiencing a whipping. You can't really compare the two and when the gauntlet is thrown down, it is quite possible that the submissive can suddenly remember what she has forgotten to do. Suddenly, ironing a dozen shirts can seem much more attractive than accomplishing that challenging task he has set.

Of course, the seasoned, skilled and competent dominant is ready for this sort of thing. 'Resistance' wasn't discovered yesterday and he is ready for the 'fear' factor or her discovery that she feels she cannot do the task, or does not find the task appealing, now that she is up so close. I know this since I have a string of excuses at my disposal, most of which are entirely sincere. I can honestly feel that a task is outside of my abilities; that I am unable to overcome my fear. I am definitely not a masochist and therefore have a fair number of mental hurdles to jump at times.

The very worst thing that could happen to me is that I am let off the task. I know this. I know it in my heart and I know it in my gut. And, it seems that others know this too since at no point was it ever offered to me that I could "let it go".

I was, however, offered time, patience, understanding and support. Nothing worked and there was a good deal of frustration on both ends. I was beginning to feel like a complete failure and started to obsess. The more I worried, the worse things got. I didn't want to make contact and lodge my failure and I didn't want to not make contact in the hope that my miserable mood might be lifted. It was a catch 22.

Ultimately, he got mad. I didn't process that eventuality as a conscious thought, but I am not dumb, and I had to know it was only a matter of time, on some level. As I see it, or experienced it, I felt his disgust. I felt a breaking of our connection. Whether my sense of his 'disgust' was real or a tactic was insignificant in my mind (and I'll never know, in any case).

It stirred me in ways I imagine he anticipated. I found my resolve. In my mind now there was nothing in the task, nothing at all, so difficult that it was worth a disconnection. Ours is a very special friendship made up of mutual admiration and respect. Tasks are formulated in a consultative way and this aberrant behaviour of mine was causing damage. I gritted my teeth. I consciously committed to the task. I assured myself that it would be done within the hour.

Submissives out there may recall words here and there spoken by the dominant that have great meaning for them. Some words of his shine out to me like beacons in a storm and I use them to find my way to safety and calm. I thought about the fact that I had said to him a day or so before, without forethought, that I could not find the courage. In just a few words he set me straight. I didn't need to find courage, he said. I just needed to "take".

Of course! This is what it was all about for me and we both knew that. I wanted to experience life as a submissive girl - one that doesn't think or worry unncessarily but releases herself to her dominant. It is the dominant whom I wish to decide what is right for me. It is he who I put my faith in to do whatever he wants. It is a deep connection between two adult people - as deep a connection as there may be, I believe, and I wanted that. I wanted the dominant to "take" and I wanted to "give".

As I lay down to complete what I could not achieve before, my head was in entirely the right mindset. There really was no chance that I would fail because this time I did not want to fail him, or myself. It took no more than two minutes from the outset to complete the task satisfactorily and once completed, I wondered why I had made such a fuss. It was not that hard. In fact, it was very good.

But, it was always about more than just the task itself - important though it was in and of itself. I am never set busy work. All tasks have significance.

In completing the task, I discovered something about myself. I take enormous succor in growing as a submissive girl - aware of my own needs and revelling in my ever growing sense of understanding that to cede control is to be more and more content; happy and fulfilled in my life.

Florida Dom said to me in a comment recently that he thought I was most happy when I submit. Truer words were never spoken.