Training: beyond 101

It's no secret that I am receiving training as a 'doll'; a plaything; an entity not interested in thoughts beyond pleasure and pleasing; playful; arousing; without ego.

I've taken to the ideas I've been introduced to via that training rather well. Naturally, I've found some resistance to some of the notions. At first, they seemed ridiculous in the extreme. But, as I've lived with them and grown with them, I've come to see the enormous value of them in my life, both within the marriage and as well, my inner life. I don't advocate those notions for anyone else necessarily but the simple truth is that they work for me very, very nicely.

I've never spoken to anyone else who has had a similar sort of training and I've no idea where I fit in the scale of those girls trained to think as I now do. But, it has occurred to me that one reason the ideas work for me is that I see life through a fairly straightforward lens. Possibly, I have just enough ego (not too much and not too little) to have an alter ego; to recognize where harmony may lie and to be unafraid to venture there, finally. I'm really just thinking out loud right now; wrapping my head around new thoughts. It could be that as a capable girl lacking in self-confidence on various levels, I found my confidence in that alter ego. There is food for thought in that idea.

Whilst I have never met girls who have trained as I have, I know one or two via the Internet and reading there it seems clear (to me) that we have something in common. We all live with very arrogant men. I definitely want to explore that thought more, too.

And, most importantly, I want to explore more why it is that I still find myself wanting to run away from situations, initially at least, that make me feel vulnerable, exposed and in competition with other girls. Is this vulnerability and lack of confidence of my own skills and appeal the reason why I can speak so openly and candidly with my men friends, but feel afraid to share all of myself with women?

Just when I thought I was doing marvellously well, shedding layers of the onion almost effortlessly, I come across a skin that I am guarding with my life. I can actually feel the anxiety inside myself as I try so hard to open myself to new experiences that frighten me for fear of what they might reveal from inside of my head.

I have found, and continue to find this exploration rewarding and revealing and rich. It intrigues me and unsettles me to realize that I may have only just begun to scratch at the surface at what is possible and what my deeply hidden thoughts may reveal. The unknown has me unsettled and tingling with electricity at the same moment.