I've been working away here, efficiently and productively and all is on course for our departure very soon but I have taken a few minutes here and there to read some posts of those I read regularly and it suddenly dawned on me and I just had to write it down.
I am not a masochist. I'm not especially caring if I don't receive much pain per se at all. I don't like the thought of never being spanked, and it would be a sad thing if I was never again to feel the bite of the cane or the sting of a paddle, or the scariness of a belt (I can't predict what it is going to feel like and that makes it scary to me). But, I am not a spanko at all; at least, not any more.
My desire is for control. If that incorporates spanking or whipping, then so be it. Bring it on. But, there are endless ways to assert control and I'll take any of those. Thank you very much.
I want to know that you are the leader and I'm the follower of you. I want to know my place. I want to feel your strength and that makes me strong.
I read recently in an article about happiness that we all tend to return to a certain set level of happiness. My set level of happiness is rather high. If my owner tells me we are in for a rough ride with the economy, I tend to say to myself, "Oh well, it can't last forever." I don't enjoy being unhappy and on the whole, feelings of unhappiness within my mind and soul don't last long.
I crave use. I want to feel that my body is being controlled. I want it to be pulled this way and that. I want to sink down into that place where I am wanted; every last inch of me.
I want for my mind to be filled with the thought that love leads my behaviour; that I have loads of love and I give loads of it back.
I want to feel that no matter how old I get, I am still just a young girl at heart; looking for love; for the next round of making love.
Love me any way you want; fuck me any way you like, whip me, cuddle me or fondle me. As long as you do it with love; for me, for you, with me and endlessly.
What's my addiction? I'm addicted to love.
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This is such a beautiful post. Amazingly well done, i especially identified with this:
ReplyDelete"I crave use. I want to feel that my body is being controlled. I want it to be pulled this way and that. I want to sink down into that place where I am wanted; every last inch of me."
Fantastic. They could very well be my thoughts but in your words. Thank you.
-r.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XcATvu5f9vE
ReplyDeleteWell Vesta of course. It is clear that the lack of control, use, intimacy, laughter and tenderness lead to the things it did. i couldn't agree more.
ReplyDeleteAs you said dear friend, "Oh well, it can't last for ever". Right?
cassie
Rose: Thank you for the lovely compliment. I like the fact that my words helped you to express your words. I often consider it 'group therapy', our little posts, so I love that we can help express things for one another.
ReplyDeleteDavid: Thank God you put up a video on my journal because I think I am a ways off having the skill to do it myself. Thank you.
cassie: Honestly darling, I so very much feel for you. Sometimes, I walk around feeling that I can't breathe, I want a good dose of loving so very much. And, in my book, you did what you had to do to try to help yourself and there is no shame in that.
Another dear friend said to me this morning that he just had to get through "this tunnel" and whilst I hate that he is in a tunnel I feel relieved to know that tunnels have a way out. I wish there was more I could say. Now might be the ideal time to focus on yourself and have a personal goal, perhaps. Much love.