Deluding oneself

Without question, there have been a lot of changes in me in the past year. I know that. My husband knows that. I think you know that. But, spare a thought for the mentor who only has words by which to evaluate and determine those changes! It actually had not occurred to me how difficult that was until he said in the past day that cindi was not telling the whole truth.

It is most rare for me to be riled these days (that happens to be one of the changes) but I was immediately taken aback. I do tell him the truth! Then why, he wanted to know, had I told him something yesterday for the first time? Why up until that moment, had I claimed that I was not interested in that particular thing; that it wasn't a goal and that it didn't turn me on?

The easy answer, and the one I gave was that the change had simply evolved to reach the point that my state of mind had altered and on that day; yesterday. Well...that's true and not quite true. I was a little rattled at first at the question he posed. I didn't feel that it was something I was into, but at the same time it did enter my fantasy life soon thereafter; it was becoming less and less scary to me and more and more, a normal part of the transformational process accepted in my mind.

No, I guess I didn't exactly impart that knowledge to him before yesterday and I imagine, with hindsight that my change of mind was rather sudden. I can see how he would feel that I was holding back.

But, here's the thing about a girl's mindset. A girl resists a thought. It's just silly, she thinks and she automatically rejects it, perhaps because she feels she ought to do so. Nice girls aren't into that! But, then she thinks about it in her own good time. And, she thinks some more. And, then she eroticizes that thought. She sees the odd photograph. She reads the odd thing. And, without her knowing it herself, her mind has not only accepted the new idea but embraced it and called it her own. The idea is set in her mind so firmly that she can't even remember when it was not part of her.

The mentor happens along at this juncture and asks the same questions again fully ready for the same answer he got before. She is not into it. But, she doesn't say that this time. With full conviction, she says the contrary to that. Yep. She's into it! And, she moves on, without a blink of an eye; without any sense of contradiction whatsoever. And, what does she get?

"Back up, bimbo."

Oh dear, what has she done wrong now? She hasn't told the full truth? Excuse me?

I am truly in awe of this mentoring process; of the attention to detail; of the insistence that the girl open herself and engage with complete honesty. I actually thought I was being honest when my own mind was deluding itself.

This is the power of the doll. She is an open vessel. She knows her own mind better than the girl ever could and when she sinks deep into that alter ego, there is nothing that she can hide, even from herself.