My journal

I'm so close to the end of the academic year that I can taste it. For the first time in nearly a year and a half I will have some spare time.What to do, what to do...

Well, first I'll play, for sure; do all the things that I have put on hold, meet up with friends, go Christmas shopping, start organizing a holiday for next year; boost up the exercise; see a play, read a book. There are limitless opportunities.

Then, with the long, hot summer ahead of me I imagine I might sit down to pursue a writing venture of my own. I've just read an article about a woman who was imprisoned for several years and whilst in prison she wrote 800,000 words in her journal. That journal became the source material for a one hour play about her journey. I've been quite fascinated at the process and  the collaboration with many others to term it into an art form.

Whilst finishing off a piece of work this afternoon I was reminded that I also have a journal of many hundreds of thousands of words that could also form the basis of a narrative. We all do, actually, my fellow bloggers and I.

One of my readers got in contact with me recently and told me that this web journal is forming the basis of the protagonist for his novel. Of course, this is the price we pay for having an online journal. The material is out there in the world for anyone to use as they wish. There really is no protection against this. He'd actually like me to fill in the dots because as he pointed out, I often spoke in mirrors, not quite spelling out what was real and what was fantasy, or what happened when and why. That, of course, was entirely intentional and my authorial prerogative.

I admit that the knowledge that this situation has eventuated leads me to reveal even less than I have done in the past. As I've said a thousand times before I'm a very private person and I'm not at all sure I want my thoughts interpreted. I am pretty darn sure that I want to be the person to play around with this material and mold it into a story. I've sat here this afternoon seriously wondering if it was time to pull the plug. Of course anything I've written is out there for good, but should I go on adding to this journal publicly? I am not sure.

I think that part of me is troubled by the fact that this material can be spun in so many directions; that what brought me much pleasure and happiness can be interpreted to be seen as anything but wise or meaningful; that there was and is a better way. Maybe so. I don't know all the angles of a power exchange. Perhaps there is a better dominant and a better way.

But, know this. I know what I feel. My instincts are very acute. I had the very best time. I learned things in the writing of this journal that gave me the thrills of a lifetime. There were moments, minutes, hours, days and weeks that filled me with enormous joy and satisfaction. I never imagined that I could be so happy; so filled with joie de vivre and excitement at a new way to live.

Every day of my life I am aroused by the erotic thoughts that play out in my head. My libido is high and my mind is on fire with the possibilities that will always be alive to me so long as I hold onto the doll inside me; that sweet l'il thing that lives to be fucked royally; to make others happy; to follow commands and to wallow in her own appetite; to always, always be hungry for the next meal.

To my husband I am 'cindi' and every time he uses that name I am reminded of the reality of my doll. She's very real to me; she's an aspect of my personality that sits just under the surface; always waiting and always ready to come out and play; to thrive in the presence of a dominant force that commands and demands that she rise up and revel in her own demise.

Nothing and no-one will ever convince me that it wasn't a good thing. Only I can make that judgement. Trust me. It has been the ride of my life.

Tante belle cose

I love all things Italian and like Liz in Eat Pray Love I am getting a real kick out of learning some Italian phrases and rolling them around my tongue. I particularly love this particular phrase, tante bella cose reminding me that there are many beautiful things in this world; so much to be grateful for. This pretty pink flower, one of the many beautiful things,  reminds me also that happiness is really always just around the corner.  I feel myself opening up much like this flower, ready to bask in the light. I think I may have turned a corner.  Bella.

Light up the room

What motivates us to do something? My answer to that question would be pleasure. There are other factors to consider like duty, obligation, responsibility, desire for success; ambition. However, it is pleasure that drives us at the most basic level. I sometimes forget this. I think we can all forget how incredibly important it is to enjoy our lives.

Last night I found it hard to get off the couch and fulfill my final duties for the day. I was enjoying a rather long documentary about George Harrison, one of the Beatles. What an extraordinary life and what an extraordinary mindset! Of course I related to his spiritual journey and this rather intense desire he had to prepare for his spirit to leave his body. I have just the same fixation so I got what that was all about. He had a strong understanding that he would die, a constant understanding of it, and so he lived according to that knowledge. I've often said (in real life, I mean) that when people act so grabby and grubby, they're the people that haven't come to terms with the fact that they are going to die. Why waste the time being so nasty? Why not be friendly and enjoy your time here?

I've been thinking in the past few days what I have enjoyed most about a power exchange relationship. Of course, it is very heady stuff and there are so many factors there to consider. I love feeling that I am deeply connected to someone; so connected that I don't mind at all when they call the shots and tell me what to do. I love to be forced to do things actually. I think that's because I feel even more connected to them. I love how that makes me feel.

I enjoy being under the wing of someone. It makes me feel safe. I love to feel a part of a team, and I am comfortable not being in charge. I don't like the feeling that I have if  I get bossy or intolerant. I feel better about influencing someone in a soft and gentle way; a way that makes them feel good about my contribution to the situation. I like to feel soft within my soul, heart and mind.

And, this is what all this is driving to. The more I think about, learn about and experience a D/s exchange the more I realize that I want it to be a soft and kind exchange, even during those times I am being told to or made to do the other person's bidding. I don't want to be hurt by it. I want to be enriched by it, to enjoy it; to experience kindness and connection. I guess you could say, I would like to feel...cherished.

I'm not saying that I don't crave a harsher treatment sometimes because I really do crave that too. However, after the harsher treatment I want to go back to being cared for in a softer way. It's a funny thing, this mellow feeling that has come over me lately. Perhaps the product of a little tender care; perhaps a sense that I am moving forward into the light. It is said that when George Harrison died his spirit did indeed leave his body and he "lit up the room". His wife said that if someone had been filming the scene they would  not have needed lights. "He...he just lit up the room." Now, wouldn't that be a lovely ending to our stories.

Back to bimbo business

I mentioned recently that I made the rather bold decision (for me) to seek out the advice of a psychologist. My general doctor had a particular woman in mind; one with a doctorate in clinical psychology and it took some weeks to actually be able to sit down with her.

I got the impression that I was not a typical patient. I handed her notes in dot point form detailing my history, the facts of the matter and I finished the two page document with two goals for myself. It seems that is not the sort of thing she gets everyday but I felt it gave us an agenda so to speak and in the hour we spent together we covered a lot of ground and she found them very helpful.

The time went fast as she asked me question after question. Eventually she said that we needed to wrap up the session shortly and that she felt that three or four more sessions would enable us to deal with my first goal perfectly satisfactorily. I had explained that I had been experiencing what I called ‘flight or fight responses’ to what my husband was telling me lately (that related to a particularly ugly situation in business that put us under lots of stress). Another way of putting it would be mild panic attacks. I didn’t have all the symptoms of a ‘panic attack’ but it was darn close. She noted that I was almost there by myself; that I had negative thoughts but that I was able to “talk back to them” and she had some strategies for me to hone down that skill.

However she explained that my second goal was not really something that she felt she could assist me with. I had written, “I look for better ways to communicate/negotiate with my husband going forward”. She told me that from all I had said that my husband had a certain “style” and that he was definitely not going to change and that it was unrealistic of me to expect him to change.

Furthermore, she said that on at least two occasions I had made remarks that intimated that I didn’t want to be deeply involved with his business matters and that really what I wanted was just that he handle those matters himself. What she could do, she said, was give me some “coping skills” but that I needed to make my peace with the situation; that he was in control and I needed to cede control.

To make it clear I gave her adequate information to understand our personalities, our natures and our dynamic. I referred to his “dominant nature” and I explained that I was inclined to retreat to a “submissive bubble”. I noted that there was an agreed power exchange. It was made clear that I had no difficulty in reaching my “little girl within”, that I had abundant capacity for joy and that the love and the sexual attraction was very much intact. In a nutshell, she came to a conclusion that it was up to me to accept that I had no control other to accept that I had no control; to embrace it.

I cannot put into words what a huge relief this news was to me. Here was a particularly bright and learned girl in psychology who had made the assessment fast that she was sitting in front of a woman who was going through a crisis of the fitness of accepting her place as the bottom. If I merely relaxed and accepted that my place was ‘the bottom’ of the relationship and that it was perfectly okay to do so, everything would fall into place.

I could feel the tension leave my body the moments the words were out of her mouth. This was joyous news to my troubled mind and immediately and for the entire day, my mood was elevated. I felt myself returning to my pre-crisis state of mind.

That night, I had a burning desire to share this experience with my mentor and I said that the girl had agreed with what he had said all along. We talked about “embracing” the lack of control; that an owner will listen but will ultimately be responsible for making a decision; that cindi (as opposed to the doubting girl) really does look to remain in a peaceful place wherever possible. We talked about the fact that my “owner” doesn’t look to change cindi. He embraces cindi and all he asks is that I embrace him as the “owner”.

My anal training is one way that I feel controlled; an important way of letting go of any control. I am challenged with bigger plugs and if I do as expected, I feel that control on a regular basis and process that control in very positive ways (physically and emotionally). If I don’t do as expected then I am trying to take control of the plug which is seen as taking control of the relationship.

It felt empowering to do as directed; to accept the challenge; to know my place and my role; to reconnect. There are times when I have to beg to have the thing that he wants me to have. As odd as that sounds to some ears, it’s a wonderfully humbling feeling and an immensely elevating and emboldening feeling as well. Only a person with a truly submissive nature can understand the magic of it.

If I don’t comply and if I try to take control by not complying, I feel disconnected and that sense of a disconnection leaves me feeling much less. If I accept the challenges given to me, I feel a strong connection but I might wonder if I will be able to comply, for example, all through the night. What I am asked to do isn’t easy! I was encouraged to ‘let go’; to remove such questions from my mind; to just exist; to let Mr. Ringo take control; to not think at all; to turn more ‘bimbo’.

I understand that for some people who read here, the word ‘bimbo’ is not one of which they approve. For us, it signifies that letting go state; that just existing state; that non-thinking state; that peaceful, compliant and joyous state. At times, I am more than bimbo. On the odd occasion, I am merely ‘it’. Whilst that sounds something very small, to me they are experiences of the highest order; those times when I reach bliss.

Whilst I understand that being submissive is a continuous path with no specific end, to receive professional confirmation that I am doing the right thing meant a very great deal to me; the opportunity to feel that I have reached a certain place of peace in my mind with all that has taken place. Cindi is more me than Vesta. That is the bottom line. At the core of me and within my heart lives cindi; the doll that is happy, joyous, playful, wanting to please, to be lead and controlled. Cindi does not want to ‘over think’ nor does she want to worry unnecessarily. She wants an owner to serve and love and to protect and love her.

The financial crisis to which I have alluded in previous posts is not yet over though it is progressing along. My husband referred to the situation in an email today as “surreal”. It beggars belief! But, the crisis in my mind is over and whilst he is not yet able to return home to us, I feel a strong connection with him and with my mentor as well. The bimbo is back to bimbo business and it feels so good.


P.S. I have taken the 'Elisabeth' story down for now. It was written before this meeting took place, is shite and I need to review it.

Special readers

It is not often that I write specifically to my readers. I usually write in my own head space as a way of sorting through my thoughts, which explains why I write regularly. Alas, I still think, a lot!

This morning, I checked my stats and once again I noticed that several of you have been delving into the archives. When you do this, I smile. I remember how feverish I was for information at one time and how voraciously I read. I imagine you to be on a similar journey to me and I hope with all my heart that you are having one hell of a good ride - pun intended. In some small way, I feel that we are on the journey together and in some small but very significant way, I feel that I know you.

Every now and again, one of you writes to me to tell me how you are doing, and this means the world to me. I just hope that I don't lead you astray too far. I've had the gamut of emotions over time. But, perhaps that is not such a bad thing. Those emotions were real and raw and just a part of the deal for me. We are all only human.

I'm not entirely sure how often I will be posting here - more like a couple of times a week than five times a week - but I did want to say something specifically to you guys today...

When you learn to give up control, you learn to trust. When you begin to trust, beautiful things simply happen. It's magic. It's a really beautiful thing. Don't give up. It's not easy but it is worth it when you can let that noisy ego have a bit of a rest. Submission is a gift to yourself.

My best wishes to you on your own personal journey of discovery and happy reading!

Crossroads

Dear Readers,

When one goes on a long journey, it is inevitable that one will reach a crossroad eventually. At the crossroad, a decision has to be made as to which direction to take.

Since I have reached that crossroad, at the same time as I feel a little weary, it seems prudent to sit a while and think about which direction to take from here.

Consequently, instead of writing here on the blog, I think it is the right time for me to keep my own counsel and rest a bit with my thoughts.

Once I've sat in the sun a bit and pondered on my own, I hope to return here refreshed and ready to share my thoughts again with you.

In the meantime, best wishes to you all.