Back to bimbo business

I mentioned recently that I made the rather bold decision (for me) to seek out the advice of a psychologist. My general doctor had a particular woman in mind; one with a doctorate in clinical psychology and it took some weeks to actually be able to sit down with her.

I got the impression that I was not a typical patient. I handed her notes in dot point form detailing my history, the facts of the matter and I finished the two page document with two goals for myself. It seems that is not the sort of thing she gets everyday but I felt it gave us an agenda so to speak and in the hour we spent together we covered a lot of ground and she found them very helpful.

The time went fast as she asked me question after question. Eventually she said that we needed to wrap up the session shortly and that she felt that three or four more sessions would enable us to deal with my first goal perfectly satisfactorily. I had explained that I had been experiencing what I called ‘flight or fight responses’ to what my husband was telling me lately (that related to a particularly ugly situation in business that put us under lots of stress). Another way of putting it would be mild panic attacks. I didn’t have all the symptoms of a ‘panic attack’ but it was darn close. She noted that I was almost there by myself; that I had negative thoughts but that I was able to “talk back to them” and she had some strategies for me to hone down that skill.

However she explained that my second goal was not really something that she felt she could assist me with. I had written, “I look for better ways to communicate/negotiate with my husband going forward”. She told me that from all I had said that my husband had a certain “style” and that he was definitely not going to change and that it was unrealistic of me to expect him to change.

Furthermore, she said that on at least two occasions I had made remarks that intimated that I didn’t want to be deeply involved with his business matters and that really what I wanted was just that he handle those matters himself. What she could do, she said, was give me some “coping skills” but that I needed to make my peace with the situation; that he was in control and I needed to cede control.

To make it clear I gave her adequate information to understand our personalities, our natures and our dynamic. I referred to his “dominant nature” and I explained that I was inclined to retreat to a “submissive bubble”. I noted that there was an agreed power exchange. It was made clear that I had no difficulty in reaching my “little girl within”, that I had abundant capacity for joy and that the love and the sexual attraction was very much intact. In a nutshell, she came to a conclusion that it was up to me to accept that I had no control other to accept that I had no control; to embrace it.

I cannot put into words what a huge relief this news was to me. Here was a particularly bright and learned girl in psychology who had made the assessment fast that she was sitting in front of a woman who was going through a crisis of the fitness of accepting her place as the bottom. If I merely relaxed and accepted that my place was ‘the bottom’ of the relationship and that it was perfectly okay to do so, everything would fall into place.

I could feel the tension leave my body the moments the words were out of her mouth. This was joyous news to my troubled mind and immediately and for the entire day, my mood was elevated. I felt myself returning to my pre-crisis state of mind.

That night, I had a burning desire to share this experience with my mentor and I said that the girl had agreed with what he had said all along. We talked about “embracing” the lack of control; that an owner will listen but will ultimately be responsible for making a decision; that cindi (as opposed to the doubting girl) really does look to remain in a peaceful place wherever possible. We talked about the fact that my “owner” doesn’t look to change cindi. He embraces cindi and all he asks is that I embrace him as the “owner”.

My anal training is one way that I feel controlled; an important way of letting go of any control. I am challenged with bigger plugs and if I do as expected, I feel that control on a regular basis and process that control in very positive ways (physically and emotionally). If I don’t do as expected then I am trying to take control of the plug which is seen as taking control of the relationship.

It felt empowering to do as directed; to accept the challenge; to know my place and my role; to reconnect. There are times when I have to beg to have the thing that he wants me to have. As odd as that sounds to some ears, it’s a wonderfully humbling feeling and an immensely elevating and emboldening feeling as well. Only a person with a truly submissive nature can understand the magic of it.

If I don’t comply and if I try to take control by not complying, I feel disconnected and that sense of a disconnection leaves me feeling much less. If I accept the challenges given to me, I feel a strong connection but I might wonder if I will be able to comply, for example, all through the night. What I am asked to do isn’t easy! I was encouraged to ‘let go’; to remove such questions from my mind; to just exist; to let Mr. Ringo take control; to not think at all; to turn more ‘bimbo’.

I understand that for some people who read here, the word ‘bimbo’ is not one of which they approve. For us, it signifies that letting go state; that just existing state; that non-thinking state; that peaceful, compliant and joyous state. At times, I am more than bimbo. On the odd occasion, I am merely ‘it’. Whilst that sounds something very small, to me they are experiences of the highest order; those times when I reach bliss.

Whilst I understand that being submissive is a continuous path with no specific end, to receive professional confirmation that I am doing the right thing meant a very great deal to me; the opportunity to feel that I have reached a certain place of peace in my mind with all that has taken place. Cindi is more me than Vesta. That is the bottom line. At the core of me and within my heart lives cindi; the doll that is happy, joyous, playful, wanting to please, to be lead and controlled. Cindi does not want to ‘over think’ nor does she want to worry unnecessarily. She wants an owner to serve and love and to protect and love her.

The financial crisis to which I have alluded in previous posts is not yet over though it is progressing along. My husband referred to the situation in an email today as “surreal”. It beggars belief! But, the crisis in my mind is over and whilst he is not yet able to return home to us, I feel a strong connection with him and with my mentor as well. The bimbo is back to bimbo business and it feels so good.


P.S. I have taken the 'Elisabeth' story down for now. It was written before this meeting took place, is shite and I need to review it.