I'm so close to the end of the academic year that I can taste it. For the first time in nearly a year and a half I will have some spare time.What to do, what to do...
Well, first I'll play, for sure; do all the things that I have put on hold, meet up with friends, go Christmas shopping, start organizing a holiday for next year; boost up the exercise; see a play, read a book. There are limitless opportunities.
Then, with the long, hot summer ahead of me I imagine I might sit down to pursue a writing venture of my own. I've just read an article about a woman who was imprisoned for several years and whilst in prison she wrote 800,000 words in her journal. That journal became the source material for a one hour play about her journey. I've been quite fascinated at the process and the collaboration with many others to term it into an art form.
Whilst finishing off a piece of work this afternoon I was reminded that I also have a journal of many hundreds of thousands of words that could also form the basis of a narrative. We all do, actually, my fellow bloggers and I.
One of my readers got in contact with me recently and told me that this web journal is forming the basis of the protagonist for his novel. Of course, this is the price we pay for having an online journal. The material is out there in the world for anyone to use as they wish. There really is no protection against this. He'd actually like me to fill in the dots because as he pointed out, I often spoke in mirrors, not quite spelling out what was real and what was fantasy, or what happened when and why. That, of course, was entirely intentional and my authorial prerogative.
I admit that the knowledge that this situation has eventuated leads me to reveal even less than I have done in the past. As I've said a thousand times before I'm a very private person and I'm not at all sure I want my thoughts interpreted. I am pretty darn sure that I want to be the person to play around with this material and mold it into a story. I've sat here this afternoon seriously wondering if it was time to pull the plug. Of course anything I've written is out there for good, but should I go on adding to this journal publicly? I am not sure.
I think that part of me is troubled by the fact that this material can be spun in so many directions; that what brought me much pleasure and happiness can be interpreted to be seen as anything but wise or meaningful; that there was and is a better way. Maybe so. I don't know all the angles of a power exchange. Perhaps there is a better dominant and a better way.
But, know this. I know what I feel. My instincts are very acute. I had the very best time. I learned things in the writing of this journal that gave me the thrills of a lifetime. There were moments, minutes, hours, days and weeks that filled me with enormous joy and satisfaction. I never imagined that I could be so happy; so filled with joie de vivre and excitement at a new way to live.
Every day of my life I am aroused by the erotic thoughts that play out in my head. My libido is high and my mind is on fire with the possibilities that will always be alive to me so long as I hold onto the doll inside me; that sweet l'il thing that lives to be fucked royally; to make others happy; to follow commands and to wallow in her own appetite; to always, always be hungry for the next meal.
To my husband I am 'cindi' and every time he uses that name I am reminded of the reality of my doll. She's very real to me; she's an aspect of my personality that sits just under the surface; always waiting and always ready to come out and play; to thrive in the presence of a dominant force that commands and demands that she rise up and revel in her own demise.
Nothing and no-one will ever convince me that it wasn't a good thing. Only I can make that judgement. Trust me. It has been the ride of my life.
Well, first I'll play, for sure; do all the things that I have put on hold, meet up with friends, go Christmas shopping, start organizing a holiday for next year; boost up the exercise; see a play, read a book. There are limitless opportunities.
Then, with the long, hot summer ahead of me I imagine I might sit down to pursue a writing venture of my own. I've just read an article about a woman who was imprisoned for several years and whilst in prison she wrote 800,000 words in her journal. That journal became the source material for a one hour play about her journey. I've been quite fascinated at the process and the collaboration with many others to term it into an art form.
Whilst finishing off a piece of work this afternoon I was reminded that I also have a journal of many hundreds of thousands of words that could also form the basis of a narrative. We all do, actually, my fellow bloggers and I.
One of my readers got in contact with me recently and told me that this web journal is forming the basis of the protagonist for his novel. Of course, this is the price we pay for having an online journal. The material is out there in the world for anyone to use as they wish. There really is no protection against this. He'd actually like me to fill in the dots because as he pointed out, I often spoke in mirrors, not quite spelling out what was real and what was fantasy, or what happened when and why. That, of course, was entirely intentional and my authorial prerogative.
I admit that the knowledge that this situation has eventuated leads me to reveal even less than I have done in the past. As I've said a thousand times before I'm a very private person and I'm not at all sure I want my thoughts interpreted. I am pretty darn sure that I want to be the person to play around with this material and mold it into a story. I've sat here this afternoon seriously wondering if it was time to pull the plug. Of course anything I've written is out there for good, but should I go on adding to this journal publicly? I am not sure.
I think that part of me is troubled by the fact that this material can be spun in so many directions; that what brought me much pleasure and happiness can be interpreted to be seen as anything but wise or meaningful; that there was and is a better way. Maybe so. I don't know all the angles of a power exchange. Perhaps there is a better dominant and a better way.
But, know this. I know what I feel. My instincts are very acute. I had the very best time. I learned things in the writing of this journal that gave me the thrills of a lifetime. There were moments, minutes, hours, days and weeks that filled me with enormous joy and satisfaction. I never imagined that I could be so happy; so filled with joie de vivre and excitement at a new way to live.
Every day of my life I am aroused by the erotic thoughts that play out in my head. My libido is high and my mind is on fire with the possibilities that will always be alive to me so long as I hold onto the doll inside me; that sweet l'il thing that lives to be fucked royally; to make others happy; to follow commands and to wallow in her own appetite; to always, always be hungry for the next meal.
To my husband I am 'cindi' and every time he uses that name I am reminded of the reality of my doll. She's very real to me; she's an aspect of my personality that sits just under the surface; always waiting and always ready to come out and play; to thrive in the presence of a dominant force that commands and demands that she rise up and revel in her own demise.
Nothing and no-one will ever convince me that it wasn't a good thing. Only I can make that judgement. Trust me. It has been the ride of my life.
Vesta,
ReplyDeleteRegarding the contact made by a reader hoping to use your journal for his own work, this is explicitly forbidden in the Creative Commons License under which your blog is published. Derivative works are not allowed and you should make this plain in your response. Some people seem to have the idea that, if something is published on the internet, it is theirs to use as they see fit. Nothing could be further from the truth. The problem is not confined to writing; I see this argument played out time and time again on sites where pictures are shared. The only appropriate response is to politely remind them that your work is copyright and that they should cease using it and desist from doing so in future. The law is on your side here; don't be afraid to use it.
I do believe that submissive females are more at risk of being bossed around by others on the internet whether they actively invite it or not. Perhaps unknowingly, the more dominant among your readership may slip into that dynamic in their dealings with you as it feels more "comfortable" to do so. But they have no right to do so. And absolutely nobody online has the right to twist your words and use them against you, nor to assume control of your right to decide for yourself how and if this lovely blog of yours continues.
As a reader of your blog I find my life enriched, but I understand this is a transient gift and that all things are temporary. I thank you for having provided this insight into your remarkable mind and will not forget the fun I have had exploring the ideas you have shared with us.
Whether you decide to stay or go, the warmth of your spirit will remain among those who value it.
Best wishes,
RollyMo
good point rollymo..it feels ethically wrong to me to take someone's private thoughts and use them for their own gain. I know you publish your submissive thoughts in your blog but it should remain a safe place for you to do so and it's as if this person is violating that. I felt dismayed for you as I read this-can this person not come up with an original idea of their own?
ReplyDeleteRollyMo has put things very well indeed, so I won't in essence repeat that. What I will say is that life truly is wonderful if we open ourselves up to it. There are so many people who are afraid to live life, they hunker down and watch it pass by, hoping it doesn't touch them too much. I think you've got to get down in the mud and wrestle with life, sometimes you win, sometimes you lose and sometimes you end up somewhere you never dreamed existed!
ReplyDeleteOf course the only person who can make a judgement on your life is you! That's what counts, other peoples thoughts and ideas can be of great interest, they may open up avenues of thought that we had never considered. But other peoples judgements? I think not. Through life we take different pathways, we turn left and not right, we ignore a turning and carry on straight and we experience the life of the pathways we have taken. Of course we can try to extrapolate where another pathway might have taken us, but we can't know for certain. To me what is important is to wring the juice out of the path I am on and let the paths I'm not on look after themselves.
Your last few paragraphs made me happy for you, because you are quite evidently living life and wringing pleasure out of it and at the end of the day, that's what it's for.
Just my thoughts.
I do hope you keep publishing this blog, but such decisions are always personal. Best wishes either way and happy LOL Day!
ReplyDeletemaryann
rollymo, anon 1, anon 2, maryann: Judging from my stats it's not an exaggeration to say that he has spent hundreds of hours reading the journal. He befriended me only to then try to get my personal details - height, weight, body shape, hair colour etc. - and to have me fill in the details of my life - the time frame and meaning of posts and so on. It strikes me that he is attempting to paint 'the character' based on very specific details.
ReplyDeleteI think there is a limit as to what is ethically acceptable even given the public status of the journal. If my words happened to find their way into 'the character's' mouth, I'd be most unhappy about it. I hope he shows more tact, taste and talent than that.