Belonging

Whilst I am past the point where I spend much time on wondering why I am as I am, I listen very carefully to comments about me made by people who know me well. I could speculate to myself on why I crave what I crave and be none the wiser, but their insights can give me some clarity. Recently, someone who knows the workings of my mind made a comment about my willing compliance with rules that I find very challenging at times. He said,

"You hate it for what it means to you, forcing you to do things you would rather not do, but you love that he can force you to do those things. It marks you as belonging to him, which is what you want. It gives you the feeling you want."

My mind went straight to the last sentence...the feeling I want. What is the feeling I want, I asked myself. I want to float on air. I want to feel the bubbles of energy percolate through my chest, and up into my brain. I want to feel light and carefree and to feel that I am living in my own, contained, lovely bubble of happiness. I want to feel that in my relationship, all is completely well and I am loved and giving love. I want to feel that nothing else in the world has more importance to me than that I am one of the lucky people who has been granted this connection of spirits that only a D/s relationship can provide. In short, I want to feel alive.

In order for me to feel alive, I need to feel that I belong. Belonging is critical to me and I get that sense of belonging by the demands of the D/s relationship. This is completely true. I think this is rather interesting because most people feel an adequate sense of belonging when they are part of a family, or a social structure or a workplace, or whatever.

Of course, I belong to a loving family and have a family of my own and I wanted that desperately and take great succor from it. But, it is not enough. I crave the process of a D/s relationship much as my body demands sleep after a long, gruelling day. It is essential. The interplay gives me sustenance. I know in my heart that nothing else in this world can sustain me as it is does and when it is missing in my life, I feel empty. Although I belong to a family, have a family and a marriage, my need to belong to a man, to submit to a man is even more intense.

There is no bank account, or home, or private jet, career or fame that could possibly satisfy this deep, deep need to belong. As long as I have the connection that a submissive may have to her Dominant, I have everything I need and want.