The human condition

There are moments in my life, such as this one, when I feel that 'roles' within a marriage/committed relationship have virtually nothing useful to add to the matter at hand.

In a long marriage what we do as a partner is act as the witness of the other person's life. We walk the walk beside them. We observe them; notice their decisions and their behaviours; their ups and their downs. If we are inclined to analyze (I have my hand up!) we make some assessments based on those observations over the many years and we come to some sort of evaluation along with general thoughts. We come to know them better than they know themselves. We accept this and we even love this.

You see, patterns emerge. We all have patterns of behaviour over a lifetime. As far as I know, it's not common to express those patterns; to be personally aware of those patterns. People often don't want to know their patterns because if they did it would require change, often long soul-searching change. They'd need to confront their lives, the decisions they have made  and determine if they want to or even can make things better. Spouses are very often the people least equipped to point out patterns and what that means is that the person literally dies with those patterns in place or, if they are lucky, they meet a professional or a significant other person in their lives who can assist them with not only change but the deep personal revelation required for effective and positive change.

In my experience, most people find this is all far too much work. But, sometimes it really is true that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Being an alcoholic or a drug addict is no picnic but if you are incredibly lucky it might be an opportunity to confront yourself, your patterns, your flawed thinking and embrace your humanity. You are flawed just as we all are flawed. You can do better. We can all do better.

On the other hand, it must be kinda cool to live on the surface; to not need or desire or want to reflect on our own behaviour; on what we did wrong and what we did right. It is terribly confronting to accept our limitations and our difficult, destructive personality characteristics that hold us back.

The more we embrace the other, the more we have empathy for the other (the other being all of mankind really) the more likely we are to encourage other people to take off their masks and look inside their own heads to discover what is holding them back.

The best part of real love is that we take that long, hard walk with another human being who loves us in spite of knowing that we are really quite, quite flawed.

This is why I never give up; always going on learning; am prepared to forgive and forget; and love with ferocity. I know perfectly well I have faults and I know my 'other' does as well. This is the human condition. However, it's not over until it's over and I want to take all the enlightenment that I can with me into the next world. That, I believe, is my purpose in this life.

Domestic discipline

Here's  a little confession. I can procrastinate rather badly. Oh, I don't miss deadlines but I can put the issue off. Quite a bit of my writing on this web journal relates to said procrastination. It's the easiest thing in the world to sit here and type away my thoughts. They flow freely and aren't marked (well, once upon a time my posts were either 'Approved' or 'Declined' and my God, did I love that!) so when I have something I should do but don't feel like doing, I tend to come here. Also, I'm sitting in front of the television bored silly by what's on offer.

So, let's consider procrastination and see how this might be handled in a power exchange relationship. In my case, my procrastination is up to me to sort out. I don't ask for help and I don't need help with organizing my day or life. In fact, I'm the one in my relationship most likely to have the best handle on deadlines. I'm the most inclined to not take a task right up to the deadline. My husband is much more comfortable with the adrenaline rush of taking something right up to the deadline. If I consistently missed deadlines, then that would be another matter. But, I don't. So, what if a girl did miss her deadlines; what if she wasn't managing her life well?

I have no issue with a Dominant or Top creating rules that he thinks would aid the submissive (bottom). Structuring things must surely aid some people and there's the benefit of incentive that can be added into the program. I find it quite arousing to think that a person may say that I can't have chocolate (it's on my mind because I just had three little pieces of dark chocolate with my coffee) or that I have to run 5 out of 7 days or some such rule that is monitored.

Certainly, when we are on holiday my husband has an opportunity to monitor what I eat and a little piece of marzipan in dark chocolate is allowed usually but I must ask and not just help myself. It's a fun part of the dynamic because if he wants to use something against me and tells me I must be punished it can happen any time and with complete privacy with no children to worry about. Yay!

Within our day to day lives we've tried having black marks; a little black book if you will. For a time, it was fun and arousing for both of us. However, the bottom line is that he doesn't really want to monitor my every move and I don't really want him to monitor my every move. Spankings are usually welcomed but it's not necessarily our style for him to tell me that I've earned, say 12 swats and then have me get into position. I sit here and ask myself why that is so...

Well, it seems that I  like to be captured. It seems that I function best when I have no prior notice of what is going to happen. My husband has discovered, so he tells me, that the best situations are when he totally surprises me. Thus, I may not be fully awake when I find myself blind folded or bound or told to get over his knee, or be put over a pile of pillows and entered. There's no former planning about this sort of thing, as in he doesn't give me any warning or notice. It just happens and it seems that's what I respond to best.

This reminds me of one of the most delicious memories from this year. I had bought tickets for my youngest son and I to see a movie on a Saturday afternoon and my husband knew this. However, with about an hour before we were scheduled to leave my husband "captured" me in the bedroom. Within seconds he had me bound tightly to the bed. He had laid me across the bed sideways and tied my wrists together and my arms to the other side of the (four poster) bed. My legs were also secured firmly. I can't remember if he had a pretext for this course of action or he simply said that it was time for a hiding but either way I was immediately in the zone. The reason I say this is because I couldn't remember having my hands bound and later when I tried to get away (an instinctive reaction) I realized that I hadn't a hope.

So, he spanked my bottom for a while and then he transferred to an implement; our leather paddle. I couldn't get away which is always a good thing for me and for reasons unknown I was able to absorb a lot more pain than usual. My husband seemed to sense this and the paddling was harder and longer than it had ever been before. With no hint that I had reached my limit he paddled firmly away and his voice was very dominant; lower and more demanding than usual and it was that commanding voice telling me to just take it that seemed to work the magic, I think. I remember that I didn't want to relent; didn't want to give in and beg for him to stop. I wanted to see how much I could take. It was only when I was pulling at the restrains with all my might that he contemplated that I had had enough and secretly, even when he did stop, I questioned privately whether I could have taken more.

Of course, he removed enough rope to have his way with me. He's not a sadist in that he doesn't require to do this for his own needs but when he does do it he is always aroused by it. Then, he ordered me into the shower and to get myself together immediately because it was time for my son and I to leave.

I distinctly remember being agitated about being hurried along. After a sub-space experience I'd rather go slow. However, once the two of us were sitting down in the theatre and the movie began I recall the most extraordinary sense of well-being; this beautiful welling up of feelings of love; this gorgeous sense of sitting on a terribly sore bottom. I have no idea if other people experience this (please do tell me if you do) but I was filled with and overcome by a deep sense of satisfaction with my life and my love expanded not just to my loved ones but to the whole wide world. I was glowing in my appreciation and my rightful place in the world. It was a 'body and mind orgasm' and I was flooded with happiness.

This is really our sort of thing. Discipline is something that we don't really do. Oh,  I'll get the rounds of the kitchen if he doesn't care for my words or tone and I'll be told to leave his study if I come in there and start trying to throw my weight around to get him to do what I want him to do; that sort of thing. But, it doesn't work for him to tell me that I was rude (or naughty or disobedient or whatever) and it's time for my punishment. It did in the short term but it doesn't in the long term. Maybe that's just about us as a couple or maybe it's because we've been married so long it doesn't seem right. I don't really know.

If I watch spanking clips (and okay, I've watched a truck load lately just before bed time) I don't particularly enjoy the DD scenes. I go for the Master who is caning the poor schoolgirl's bare backside. There's nothing wrong with DD or DD spanking clips if that's your kink but it doesn't seem to be mine.

Quite some time ago now, I'd go to my husband or he'd come to me and  he would give me a few swats just before bed. I liked that, but it wasn't sustainable. Maybe things get tired if you do them every day. I think once a week is more doable but we can't be sure if the children are around or not at a particular time of the week and that gets in the way of any firm plan related to that.

Yet, every day now for many days I've woken with someone chasing my tail. My very first thoughts on waking are about being spanked or whipped or caned and I am starting to think that I really could do with much more spanking than I currently get!

Obeying commands

Saturday morning. He decided to spank me, not because I'd been naughty but because he knew it would do me good. A few minutes later, he had me lie straight in the middle of the bed and he tied my hands together and then my ankles. I felt like a pencil. This was my thought.

He took the paddle now and applied it to my bottom and I sank down into that space where I like to go; that sense of letting go; that sense of warmth; of relinquishing all and any control.

After a period of time of unknown length he adjusted the ropes so that I was in the fetal position on my side. My eyes were covered and had been from the outset.

"Go to sleep," he said.

And, like the obedient girl that I am, I instantly did.

Bliss. 

Vulnerability

I happened to watch 'Sex in the City 2' in the past few days. It is rather ridiculous but fun entertainment, of course, and I was mildly enjoying it until Carrie met Aidan in the market, they had dinner and kissed and then she rang Mr Big to confess. It was creditable that she had grown up enough to understand that she needed to tell him, I thought, but it was apparent by his total silence that he wasn't responding well. As the silence wore on I could feel myself becoming more and more uncomfortable and when he said, "I'm at work Carrie, I have to go" I experienced much the same sense of abandonment and disapproval as Carrie must have experienced. She suffered. He suffered. It was not until they were reunited and he told her her "punishment" and the matter was taken care of that I began to feel some level of comfort again.

When I talk about my time in 'the doll' state I almost always talk about these wonderful feelings of lightness and happiness; of feeling deeply connected to my true self and the person that brings out 'the doll'. I mean it when I say  that it's a happiness unlike any other that I have experienced and that I'm grateful, exceedingly grateful to know that space; to have been introduced to that aspect of me; to have times when I can release my ego and all worldly concerns and just live life in its purest form. However, there are times when being the doll has caused me much angst and left me feeling that it may not be safe to enter such a vulnerable zone of living.

Even on a day by day level, I experience my husband's dissatisfaction as quite traumatic. To give an example, I said something towards the end of the evening recently and I have absolutely no recollection of what I said (something that seemed incredibly bland to me and of no importance or at all remarkable) but it bothered him; struck a nerve somehow. He berated me. It went on for maybe a minute, maybe less, I really don't know, but I had one of my out-of-body experiences where my mind responds like this:

'I must have said something wrong. Now, he will say a whole lot of things and I don't understand why he is saying them and I don't understand what I did wrong again and this is so troubling to me that my mind has switched off and I'm not here...soon it will be over and he will be he again and I will be me again and life will go on just as it did before we had another of these odd, unexplainable and very troubling events...now he has stopped talking and he is leaving the room and I can go back to living as we did before...and I get up and go and have a shower and get ready for bed...and have no recollection of the words spoken but only that I have upset him again and I don't know why or how this happened.'

This is not at all new. It's a much rarer event than it used to be a few years ago, thank goodness. I spoke to my psychologist about this experience last year and she said it was my mind protecting itself and it was a very healthy response. But, nonetheless, it is deeply troubling to me and I do what I can to try to avoid experiencing that sense of disapproval in me.

Now, in 'the doll' state I became quite vulnerable. In that state, one is well aware that the idea is to impress, to service and the doll does that quite naturally. It's a very happy and richly rewarding place for me to be; to be providing service and contentment, and as long as the doll continues to impress and for people to be happy with her, all is well.

However, over time, and as she was corrected and even punished for what was considered poor behavior, she became highly vulnerable because when she was dismissed or when she experienced the owner's anger or the mentor's anger, this absolutely crushed her. It would leave her in a puddle on the floor and more and more, she worried. There were times when she couldn't relax as the silly dumdum dolli because...what if she said something that displeased...what if He got mad...what if she was dismissed...abandoned...all over again?? The very connection that she so adored was now something that could potentially cause her to break. Better to be mindful of everything she said and everything she did and have certainty that she would not experience that sense of disapproval; not have to go through the trauma of a sense of abandonment. As much as 'the doll' has extraordinary, mind blowing and heavenly highs, she has experienced lows that leave her bewildered; confused; absolutely crushed.

Well, of course,  I am much too sensitive as 'the doll' or as the full blooded complete woman that walks this earth. In either state I long for a deep connection; for affection; for approval and to please at the same time as I have so many things to say, some of which people don't like to hear.

The doll's free flowing thoughts

It can be awfully easy on a blog such as this to make statements that don't hold up in reality. We're so often in an erotic sort of zone when we read and write. It can be awfully easy for statements to roll off the tongue.

A spanking a day sounds nice

She would wear her plug every morning and all through the night.

She would only wear dresses and skirts.

I want to feel tightly contained.

However, life isn't like that all the time. I am not like that all the time.

In the olden days when I had a mentor he had certain expectations of me and they involved doing things every day. Sometimes, it all seemed so easy and other times I'd rail against it. To this day I have no idea if he really expected me to accept those every day ultimatums. I am after all, human.

I know I bucked. I'd try to discuss it with other Dom friends. They'd walk the line of explaining that he did mean it but he didn't mean for me to look into the abyss and imagine that for the rest of my life I'd be doing this, just like as a dieter you don't look into the abyss and imagine never eating sugar again. You take things day by day. You eat an elephant one bite at a time.

That helped. I tried to take it day by day but even then I felt resistance. We'd be talking and he'd have his expectations and some days, in spite of my best intentions, I'd explain that I was feeling "bellyus". He'd quietly push and then when that didn't work he'd push harder. What he didn't do was relent and in the end, fearful of tapping into his anger, I'd accept my fate.

I appreciated (and needed) this push; this insistence that the rule remained. However, what I came to see and accept rather late in the day was that I always had at my disposal the opportunity to argue my point of view. If the argument was made well and the line of defense accepted, there was room within the rule for an exception. (Realistically, I rather doubt it would have worked to do this except in very rare and exceptional circumstances.)

When something works on an everyday basis, really truly works, there is no need for exceptions. I'd hardly ask for an exception for the rule about acrylic nails, now would I?

I'd hardly ask for an exception to the fact that I am responsible for the household. It is set in stone.

I'd hardly ask for an exception to the rule that I must speak politely. I know all too well the response that a lack of respect earns me, at home or on the Internet.

But, some rules are not so ingrained and maybe they never can be. What I was being asked to do is very hard on a day by day basis. If you add into the equation the presence of the Dominant making it happen, then I think it is entirely possible. But, my husband isn't inclined to make happen what he doesn't see himself as do-able or necessary. There's no-one to insist; no-one for whom the rule is entirely necessary. And so, it is not achieved on a daily basis any more. Whom am I  pleasing? If I am pleasing no-one then why should I do something that requires sustained effort and will?

Yet, if I don't do the task on a daily basis, it is I that is the loser in this equation. I cannot enter into the doll's state of mind without doing that thing daily. Without that task achieved where is the 'on' switch?

I grapple with this; find it endlessly difficult to know that I must do this thing without the Dominant's desire being expressed; must do it by myself; for myself; alone.

Is the doll still a doll alone; without a dollmaker; a puppeteer to bring the doll to life? Is there a value to her simply to know that she exists; that she lives and breathes within the realm of the doll house, ready and wanting; available and prepared?

Of course, there is, there is. But, should she abdicate her responsibilities there is no one to check; no-one to care and she wonders, if no-one is there to see her or speak with her; if she cannot impress or please or give pleasure, is she really alive?

She can feel her heart beating. She is just a heartbeat away from rising to the surface; from bubbly over with pleasure and joy. She is always there; wanting to come out; sitting just below the surface; waiting...waiting...

How much I wish to see her, breathe her air, immerse myself in her, be her. How much I envy her. I've seen her happiness; her joy; her bliss; her sexual satisfaction and profound love of life.  Gosh, but I miss her.

About me 51-100

51. Some days I think of myself as Tinkerbell running a home for lost boys.
52. I am not assertive with my children and am fortunate they are good, kind people.
53. I can be at a loss to understand why my daughter gets so ornery with me.
54. I wish I never sent my daughter to pre-school. She wanted to stay home with me.
55. I miss talking with my mentor. He was good for me.
56. I seem not to allow myself the pleasure of luxuriating in success.
57. Some days the only thing that can provide adequate comfort is wearing an anal plug.
58. My 'training' contained me and taught me to come to terms with my submissive personality.
59. I've learned not to sweat the small stuff but sometimes it happens anyway.
60. I pass 'depression' Internet tests with flying colors. My CBT therapy worked absolutely.
61. I'd love to ski well for the exhilaration but I remain fearful and cautious.
62. When we're done with school fees I hope my husband buys a motorbike.
63. I want to be his "bikie chick".
64. I adore school holidays so that I can sleep in.
65. Love to walk along a beach. Easy to do here.
66. Having a nap is one of life's little pleasures for me.
67. I love to be in the speed boat searching for the fish that always seems to get away.
68. I am an attention sponge.
69. I'll take a massage any day.
70. I tend to lounge on my husband the minute he comes and sits on the couch.
71. Secretly, I don't want my husband in the kitchen or laundry. That's my domain!
72. I recognize it is my role to hold the hammer but that is torture for me.
73. It gives me an enormous thrill to be dominated; tightly controlled; overtaken.
74. During sex, I often suck my thumb.
75. I don't mind correction. I even like it. I just hate to be dismissed. That's punishment.
76. Being told to be silent is agony and ecstasy at the one moment. It's a turn on most of all.
77. This is starting to feel like it did when cindi had to write 100 lines...getting tired.
78. 'Coming out' about my nature and needs transformed my life and brought huge happiness.
79. I often think that a spanking a day would suit me just fine.
80. I can procrastinate. Now is one of those times.
81. I am a bit phone phobic.
82. I struggle between loving clothes and feeling strongly I only want what is necessary.
83. Days like today I love my husband with a passion.
84. I love my mother so much but a day of non-stop talking totally drains me.
85. 'cindi' moments are the best moments of my life.
86. I'd adore a house cleaner but would feel too guilty to spend the money.
87. I want to go to Bali and learn about the culture/religion which is a surprise to the family.
88. I also want to do a yoga retreat on my own.
89. I drive a very old (but nice) car and it doesn't worry me the slightest bit.
90. To love and be loved: that's all that matters in the end to me.
91. I have to keep reminding myself that my daughter's choices are hers to make.
92. I am probably too hard on myself.
93. I believe in giving people the benefit of the doubt usually.
94. I can't stay angry. I see no value in it.
95. I love garbage day and I love the annual hard waste day even more.
96. I would love to have more rules. Containment works for me on the whole.
97. I'd rather be dominated with praise than punishment (but punishment can be erotic) *Sigh*
98. I can't imagine not being 'owned'.
99. I'm lucky in so many ways.
100. I'm happy.

50 things about me

Every now and again, one of the authors of a web journal will publish a '100 things about me'. I can't promise you 100 things but let's see if we can get to 50...

1. I am nuts for Chris Botti the trumpet player. I can't get enough of his latest CD.
2. I can become agitated if I feel I have been given too many things even though I love them.
3. I am in constant struggle with my desire for a piece of cake.
4. I really do need eight hours of sleep a day to function well.
5. I feel very guilty if I don't walk the dogs because I know they rely on me.
6. I adore to be in the house alone.
7. I write for my own pleasure and to not be allowed to write would be a harsh punishment.
8. If I care about you, if you touch my heart, I care about you forever.
9. I have collected all the cards my husband and children have written to me over the years.
10. If I can listen to music and cook a meal alone, that sends me into a blissful state.
11. Wearing pants seems wrong.
12. Sometimes, happiness just comes over me like a wave and for no apparent reason.
13. I'm always working towards minimalism in my house.
14. I love going to the movies, especially 'arthouse' movies.
15. I love to giggle. I love to be with funny people.
16. Bathtime is very precious to me. I like to write, think, chill out by the bath while the water draws.
17. I have a large scarf collection. I love collecting beautiful fabrics.
18. Being tied up tight is bliss.
19. I love to drive in the country on my own.
20. My acrylic nails are for life. They are a part of me now.
21. If a friendship fails, and that's very rare, it is hugely upsetting to me.
22. I am trying to teach myself to be a runner.
23. I probably do have a rebellious streak deep down.
24. I try to make everyone happy and settled so that I can do my own thing after that.
25. I love to travel, even if it is just to a different neighbourhood.
26. I'd adore to do up my house and make it beautiful.
27. Italy is my idea of heaven.
28. My Internet friends know me much better than my RL friends
29  If I'm feeling upset, I go iron a few shirts.
30. I do deals with myself. "Agree with him, no matter what he says..."
31  I've always been into pornography/erotica. My husband noticed it very early on.
32. I tend to talk a lot or hardly at all, depending on my fragility or otherwise.
33. I found the erotic zones of my body at about 4 years of age.
34. I bent over and imagined being spanked at about that time too.
35. When given loads of praise, there's nothing I can't attempt or do.
36. I like little adventures, getting away from the ordinary.
37. I have a temper that is rarely seen but can be ignited by a sense of abandonment.
38. Signing up for my writing course is one of the best decisions I ever made.
39. I'm eternally grateful I didn't take advice given to me to terminate my last pregnancy.
40. My children are my greatest achievement.
41. I'm very lucky to have married such a caring and devoted man.
42. I'm a discerning shopper on the lookout for a bargain and something beautiful or special.
43. I love open fires and verandas.
44. I have a Kindle but I still prefer to hold the book.
45. My indulgence is buying flowers every two weeks after my Friday yoga class.
46. I like to read the newspaper in a coffee shop rather than at home.
47. Progress on my house and garden is what turns me on.
48. Writing is a good profession/occupation for me because I tend towards introversion.
49. I love to visit churches and even stay for the service wherever I am.
50. Yoga and meditation have been a great blessing and calmed my emotions right down.

Gosh! How do you get to 100? Maybe one day, I can try writing 51-100.