There probably isn't anyone these days who hasn't heard the advice 'to live in the moment'. It makes sense to accept the fact that the past is the past and that the future has yet to come, so best to embrace this moment and make the best of this moment.
You can take this simple thought as far as you want. For instance, it is soothing to focus on the senses in the moment. Rather than scoff down that peanut butter sandwich take a moment to notice the thickness of the bread and the crunchy bits in the peanut butter spread, or the smoothness of the non-crunchy variety, if that's more your thing. How does the sandwich feel on your tongue? Rather than chew just enough times to get it down your throat, satiation for your stomach and nothing more, chew several more times and notice how that feels. It's a pleasant experience to pare life down to the simple things if for no other reason than your thought processes slow down for a bit. It's hard to think about your 'to do' list at the same time as you are paying attention to what is happening in your mouth.
One of the patterns of my mind that I noticed some time ago, but didn't realize was making for difficulty was that, when confronted with a challenging period of time, I tended to say, either out loud or to myself, 'Just tell me when it will end. So long as I know when it will end, I can manage.' I remember once a lawyer calling to tell me of the outcome of a situation. I distinctly remember replying, 'Are you telling me it is over?' That's the way my mind worked. Things had a beginning and thus had an end. In the interim, whilst waiting for a satisfactory outcome, I suffered more than was necessary.
I don't think like that any more, although the temptation is there, I catch myself and stop it. I think this relates to my understanding that I can't control all that much, and nor should I. It also relates to the fact that I have come to see that life isn't like that; a beginning, a middle and an end. Of course, we are born and eventually we die and in the middle of those two events we live. So, rationally speaking there is a beginning and there is an end.
However, if you think like that, for example, 'I can't be happy until I find someone to love me completely', or 'I can stop worrying when I get the children into good colleges', you simply miss a good deal of your life.
I'm currently at the holiday house. We must have had it for nearly 20 years now. When we bought it the house was an honest to goodness 'fix her upper'. We can't get here too often but when we do we do something to make the property a little better. It's slow going, although if you look back, we've done a great deal. Yet, there is still so very much more to do.
In moments, I get a little despondent. How I'd love to throw a bit of money at the property and just get things done. But, on the flip side, I've had more fun this summer here than ever before. I've truly relaxed, loved the lake, and my husband and I have had much fun buying a few cushions and stools and bits and pieces at a sale. Every little improvement we make is great fun and one day, probably years from now yet, we'll arrive at the place and think 'its all done'. In the meantime, we are grateful we have a property in the country which we can do up.
Relationships have an overarching 'feel' about them, I think. There are good times and bad times. When you've been together for as long as us, 40 years, you start to look back and wonder what enabled such an enduring thing. Others would have split with much less having gone wrong, with less challenges, so why did we pull through? Why does the love continue to grow?
I think you have to believe; you have to believe in the goodness and the 'rightness' of the union. You have to try to imagine life without this person and realize that it is not the right thing for you, or for the family. You have to dig down into your best self and call on your resilience in the hard moments. Staying together isn't always the right thing, naturally, but if you believe in the union, you'll find a way to endure the tough times. Here's where getting in touch with your emotions helps; identifying them and sitting with them until your brain calms and settles. Time outs to do this is no bad thing.
In the past few turbulent years I never could have conceived of a time when my husband would be more patient with me, more settled with me, more generous and in the moment with me. We talk in a new way now; more positive and more confident about our lives together. We talk and talk now, often in an existentialist way, about the meaning of life and how to live a good life. We are on board about the body and mind connection and it's so wonderful to have this new, deeper bond.
He has called on cindi at times; completely derails the rational girl and reduces the bimbo right down to a mindless toy. I love this, I love his desire for her. Truthfully, I am a little coy at the moment; quiet in my sexuality. It's a transition period for me, he knows this, as I examine certain behaviours of the past that derailed me; derailed my emotional state.
I'm not bursting with impatience to have this interim period behind me. I have faith that the examination of my unconscious mind will lead to a good place. Pia Mellody said in a utube lecture that a relationship isn't a passionate or dramatic thing, until the time is appropriate for there to be passion. A relationship is a calm thing; something that ebbs and flows like a river, rather than being a roller coaster ride. In some ways, the roller coaster ride became 'normal' in my mind, even though I detest roller coaster rides. I came to see that I had to get off the roller coaster ride.
In some strange way, the vast improvements in my functioning, my husband's functioning and the health (though not the strength) of the union relates to this calm approach; calming oneself right down and staying in the moment; being less absorbed with the mistakes of the past and being less invested with the outcomes of the future. Life, in it's simplest moments right now, is a beautiful thing.
You can take this simple thought as far as you want. For instance, it is soothing to focus on the senses in the moment. Rather than scoff down that peanut butter sandwich take a moment to notice the thickness of the bread and the crunchy bits in the peanut butter spread, or the smoothness of the non-crunchy variety, if that's more your thing. How does the sandwich feel on your tongue? Rather than chew just enough times to get it down your throat, satiation for your stomach and nothing more, chew several more times and notice how that feels. It's a pleasant experience to pare life down to the simple things if for no other reason than your thought processes slow down for a bit. It's hard to think about your 'to do' list at the same time as you are paying attention to what is happening in your mouth.
One of the patterns of my mind that I noticed some time ago, but didn't realize was making for difficulty was that, when confronted with a challenging period of time, I tended to say, either out loud or to myself, 'Just tell me when it will end. So long as I know when it will end, I can manage.' I remember once a lawyer calling to tell me of the outcome of a situation. I distinctly remember replying, 'Are you telling me it is over?' That's the way my mind worked. Things had a beginning and thus had an end. In the interim, whilst waiting for a satisfactory outcome, I suffered more than was necessary.
I don't think like that any more, although the temptation is there, I catch myself and stop it. I think this relates to my understanding that I can't control all that much, and nor should I. It also relates to the fact that I have come to see that life isn't like that; a beginning, a middle and an end. Of course, we are born and eventually we die and in the middle of those two events we live. So, rationally speaking there is a beginning and there is an end.
However, if you think like that, for example, 'I can't be happy until I find someone to love me completely', or 'I can stop worrying when I get the children into good colleges', you simply miss a good deal of your life.
I'm currently at the holiday house. We must have had it for nearly 20 years now. When we bought it the house was an honest to goodness 'fix her upper'. We can't get here too often but when we do we do something to make the property a little better. It's slow going, although if you look back, we've done a great deal. Yet, there is still so very much more to do.
In moments, I get a little despondent. How I'd love to throw a bit of money at the property and just get things done. But, on the flip side, I've had more fun this summer here than ever before. I've truly relaxed, loved the lake, and my husband and I have had much fun buying a few cushions and stools and bits and pieces at a sale. Every little improvement we make is great fun and one day, probably years from now yet, we'll arrive at the place and think 'its all done'. In the meantime, we are grateful we have a property in the country which we can do up.
Relationships have an overarching 'feel' about them, I think. There are good times and bad times. When you've been together for as long as us, 40 years, you start to look back and wonder what enabled such an enduring thing. Others would have split with much less having gone wrong, with less challenges, so why did we pull through? Why does the love continue to grow?
I think you have to believe; you have to believe in the goodness and the 'rightness' of the union. You have to try to imagine life without this person and realize that it is not the right thing for you, or for the family. You have to dig down into your best self and call on your resilience in the hard moments. Staying together isn't always the right thing, naturally, but if you believe in the union, you'll find a way to endure the tough times. Here's where getting in touch with your emotions helps; identifying them and sitting with them until your brain calms and settles. Time outs to do this is no bad thing.
In the past few turbulent years I never could have conceived of a time when my husband would be more patient with me, more settled with me, more generous and in the moment with me. We talk in a new way now; more positive and more confident about our lives together. We talk and talk now, often in an existentialist way, about the meaning of life and how to live a good life. We are on board about the body and mind connection and it's so wonderful to have this new, deeper bond.
He has called on cindi at times; completely derails the rational girl and reduces the bimbo right down to a mindless toy. I love this, I love his desire for her. Truthfully, I am a little coy at the moment; quiet in my sexuality. It's a transition period for me, he knows this, as I examine certain behaviours of the past that derailed me; derailed my emotional state.
I'm not bursting with impatience to have this interim period behind me. I have faith that the examination of my unconscious mind will lead to a good place. Pia Mellody said in a utube lecture that a relationship isn't a passionate or dramatic thing, until the time is appropriate for there to be passion. A relationship is a calm thing; something that ebbs and flows like a river, rather than being a roller coaster ride. In some ways, the roller coaster ride became 'normal' in my mind, even though I detest roller coaster rides. I came to see that I had to get off the roller coaster ride.
In some strange way, the vast improvements in my functioning, my husband's functioning and the health (though not the strength) of the union relates to this calm approach; calming oneself right down and staying in the moment; being less absorbed with the mistakes of the past and being less invested with the outcomes of the future. Life, in it's simplest moments right now, is a beautiful thing.
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