Now

There probably isn't anyone these days who hasn't heard the advice 'to live in the moment'. It makes sense to accept the fact that the past is the past and that the future has yet to come, so best to embrace this moment and make the best of this moment.

You can take this simple thought as far as you want. For instance, it is soothing to focus on the senses in the moment. Rather than scoff down that peanut butter sandwich take a moment to notice the thickness of the bread and the crunchy bits in the peanut butter spread, or the smoothness of the non-crunchy variety, if that's more your thing. How does the sandwich feel on your tongue? Rather than chew just enough times to get it down your throat, satiation for your stomach and nothing more, chew several more times and notice how that feels. It's a pleasant experience to pare life down to the simple things if for no other reason than your thought processes slow down for a bit. It's hard to think about your 'to do' list at the same time as you are paying attention to what is happening in your mouth.

One of the patterns of my mind that I noticed some time ago, but didn't realize was making for difficulty was that, when confronted with a challenging period of time, I tended to say, either out loud or to myself, 'Just tell me when it will end. So long as I know when it will end, I can manage.' I remember once a lawyer calling to tell me of the outcome of a situation. I distinctly remember replying, 'Are you telling me it is over?' That's the way my mind worked. Things had a beginning and thus had an end. In the interim, whilst waiting for a satisfactory outcome, I suffered more than was necessary.

I don't think like that any more, although the temptation is there, I catch myself and stop it. I think this relates to my understanding that I can't control all that much, and nor should I. It also relates to the fact that I have come to see that life isn't like that; a beginning, a middle and an end. Of course, we are born and eventually we die and in the middle of those two events we live. So, rationally speaking there is a beginning and there is an end.

However, if you think like that, for example, 'I can't be happy until I find someone to love me completely', or 'I can stop worrying when I get the children into good colleges', you simply miss a good deal of your life.

I'm currently at the holiday house. We must have had it for nearly 20 years now. When we bought it the house was an honest to goodness 'fix her upper'. We can't get here too often but when we do we do something to make the property a little better. It's slow going, although if you look back, we've done a great deal. Yet, there is still so very much more to do.

In moments, I get a little despondent. How I'd love to throw a bit of money at the property and just get things done. But, on the flip side, I've had more fun this summer here than ever before. I've truly relaxed, loved the lake, and my husband and I have had much fun buying a few cushions and stools and bits and pieces at a sale. Every little improvement we make is great fun and one day, probably years from now yet, we'll arrive at the place and think 'its all done'. In the meantime, we are grateful we have a property in the country which we can do up.

Relationships have an overarching 'feel' about them, I think. There are good times and bad times. When you've been together for as long as us, 40 years, you start to look back and wonder what enabled such an enduring thing. Others would have split with much less having gone wrong, with less challenges, so why did we pull through? Why does the love continue to grow?

I think you have to believe; you have to believe in the goodness and the 'rightness' of the union. You have to try to imagine life without this person and realize that it is not the right thing for you, or for the family. You have to dig down into your best self and call on your resilience in the hard moments. Staying together isn't always the right thing, naturally, but if you believe in the union, you'll find a way to endure the tough times. Here's where getting in touch with your emotions helps; identifying them and sitting with them until your brain calms and settles. Time outs to do this is no bad thing.

In the past few turbulent years I never could have conceived of a time when my husband would be more patient with me, more settled with me, more generous and in the moment with me. We talk in a new way now; more positive and more confident about our lives together. We talk and talk now, often in an existentialist way, about the meaning of life and how to live a good life. We are on board about the body and mind connection and it's so wonderful to have this new, deeper bond.

He has called on cindi at times; completely derails the rational girl and reduces the bimbo right down to a mindless toy. I love this, I love his desire for her. Truthfully, I am a little coy at the moment; quiet in my sexuality. It's a transition period for me, he knows this, as I examine certain behaviours of the past that derailed me; derailed my emotional state.

I'm not bursting with impatience to have this interim period behind me. I have faith that the examination of my unconscious mind will lead to a good place. Pia Mellody said in a utube lecture that a relationship isn't a passionate or dramatic thing, until the time is appropriate for there to be passion. A relationship is a calm thing; something that ebbs and flows like a river, rather than being a roller coaster ride. In some ways, the roller coaster ride became 'normal' in my mind, even though I detest roller coaster rides. I came to see that I had to get off the roller coaster ride.

In some strange way, the vast improvements in my functioning, my husband's functioning and the health (though not the strength) of the union relates to this calm approach; calming oneself right down and staying in the moment; being less absorbed with the mistakes of the past and being less invested with the outcomes of the future. Life, in it's simplest moments right now, is a beautiful thing.

2015: Reflections

One of my Facebook friends asked the question, 'How would you sum up your 2015 in one word?' and this got me thinking. I asked my oldest son for his word and he immediately answered 'confronting'. When I asked why it was confronting he reminded me that one of his dearest school chums had died of an overdose in 2015. His grandfather, with whom he had developed a strong bond over the past years had become sick towards the end of the year and he'd visited him in the hospital almost every day until his death; spoken at his funeral; watched him return to the earth. His two best mates had moved overseas during the year and he'd broken up with his girlfriend with whom he was living late in the year as well.

From a career perspective or a business perspective, 2015 wasn't remotely 'confronting'; rather fast moving and successful. At work, he's the rising star. Like me, he immediately thought to base his one word to describe 2015 on his own personal feelings. It was internally, within himself,  where he'd been 'confronted' by life as it played out in the past year.

I've tried a few times to look back on my own 2015 and feel a bit lost for a single word to describe the past year in my life. I read over a few posts that I wrote here but they only prove that you can't judge what is happening to a person by the posts they publish on the Internet, any more than you can judge a young man by the image he projects in a well cut suit who is routinely getting on and off internationally bound airplanes  .

I can point to highlights of the year. We saw one of our sons graduate with his university degree. He has been challenged in his life by a condition that made school harder for him than it is for most young men but he excelled in the final year of his degree, proving yet again that you should never write a child off and that you should almost always allow a child to do that which turns them on.

Our daughter and her partner bought a house together and I am very proud to say that they did a wonderful job in the past year transforming it into a lovely home. I was a little shocked when I first saw it. It was a gloomy sort of place at first sight and thus they proved, yet again, that nearly anything can be made beautiful with tender, loving care and a lot of paint.

I managed to get my husband away to Japan and we thrived over there alone together. It showed me, if I needed any further convincing, that I do well in the 'help-mate' role being led; that play sessions where I submit to authority are transformational for me; that we make a good team, and that everybody needs some fun and adventure in their lives.

I graduated with my Master of Arts in front of all my family, except the son travelling, and I was very happy to have obtained this goal. I've earned by 'colours' and now it's up to me to do something with the qualification in this new year.

In the final days of the year I was beginning to drift off to sleep one hot night and as I looked about the room my eye settled on the chair in the corner of the room. I can tell you a fact about the chair; that we had seen it in a furniture shop together some years ago now and I'd expressed the fact that I thought it was a lovely chair. I can tell you that one day, several weeks later, I'd walked into the bedroom and there was the chair, a surprise he'd devised. But, it doesn't tell you anything about my feelings as my eye settled on the chair late that night at the end of 2015. Rather, I looked at the chair and thought out of nowhere, 'I'm happy in my life. Here. With him. I'm glad I stayed. What a relief I didn't succumb; that I stayed true.'

In truth, the word for my 2015 is 'challenging'. Towards the middle of the year I began to take 'selfies' of myself. I felt so flummoxed and at sea that I barely recognized myself when I looked in the mirror. The photographs showed me in no uncertain terms that I was deeply troubled. I'd look at them and wonder where I had gone; that person that had so often been referred to as 'ethereal' in the past. Yet, the photographs taken in Japan - and that's September/October - point to a transformation of my earlier troubled soul. I was happy, so happy, and it was evident; irrefutable.

Those readers who have been willing to continue reading here; to withstand my ups and downs through the years, may remember me writing about listening to a monk one Friday night. I'd taken my husband to hear him and together we listened as he told us that the purpose of life is to be happy; that everything flows from that.

I think the trick of life is to understand that nothing, good or bad, lasts forever. Life may be short but it's a long road and we will experience many ebbs and flows along the way. Holding onto what is authentic in our lives is key; listening to that voice, that deep down wisdom that we hold within each and every one of us about what is right and what is wrong.

Follow that voice. It won't lead you astray. Happy New Year.