Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Power

At the heart of a power exchange is the notion that one person will decide what is best for the other. In these circles, it is an acceptable premise, with various provisos. But, it is a particularly audacious thought, is it not?

I watched a particularly good discussion a week or so ago around the topic of cancer. There were general practitioners and oncologists and patients and family of patients involved in the discussion. At one point the issue of who decides whether to pursue treatments that have little hope of succeeding, or who decides what to do next came up for discussion.

One oncologist was forthright in saying that adult children are not the best judge of these decisions and the decision should be discussed with a person of similar age – a friend, a spouse. One young girl disputed this saying that the decisions about her father’s treatment had been decided “as a family”. Doctors generally advised patients to formulate a plan ahead of time so that it was their decision.

Rationally speaking, it doesn’t always make sense that one person could know what is best for another. Two people can discuss what is best for a person and if they discuss it long enough and hard enough, perhaps the second person can know the first person’s mind well enough to make decisions for them. But, to suggest another person is better placed to know what they need and should have is often really begging the question.

When children are young we have no alternative but to make decisions for them. We sign them up at a particular school and guide them into certain activities and ways of doing things. We give them a good quality road map. But, where they ultimately go and even how they get there is really up to them.

One small example of this is that our eldest boy played soccer and somehow or other I don’t think we actually asked the next one if he wanted to play soccer all through school. We just assumed it until one day his desire for something else became so evident that I finally opened my eyes and realized that we had made a mistake. It then took a bit of talking for me to convince his Dad that we were both wrong but thank goodness we saw the light in time and he has enjoyed his other activities with gusto ever since. My point is he did not actually say what he wanted, fearful I suppose of disappointing us.

I don’t think it is at all impossible for one person to decide for another what is right for them, but I do think it is a very hard task and one that requires enormous diligence, attention and monitoring. Those with a submissive nature, well suited to the power exchange dynamic are not inclined to want dispute or upset in their lives and are inclined to go with the flow and accept things as they play out as best they can.

Yet, unless their mind is so well understood and explored that the other who makes the decisions for them knows it like the back of his hand, there is likely to be missteps, misjudgements and poor decision making as to what is really best for that person. When and if this occurs, the submissive partner is left to make do; to accept less of life; to compromise, which is something they do rather well (perhaps too well).

It may be that the submissive partner misjudged what in fact she needed, of course. The dominant partner knew best all along. It is entirely possible. Who can really judge that? I suppose if she is content and happy within herself that is a good judge of circumstances. Or, perhaps she puts on a good front for him wanting happiness so much she is prepared to appear happy and content for him, even convincing herself (mostly) that she is happy and content.

When one person has the power and the other has very little or no power, human nature being what it is, selfishness is likely to be an issue. I don’t mean that they buy 14 suits for themselves and keep the submissive in an old dress (although, that could happen). I mean that within his decision making, even if he intended for the decision to be in her best interests (on some level), is he not really making the decision based largely on his own criteria and his interpretation of the world?

Submissive women have an inbuilt mechanism where they give and they give and they give. If necessary, they can give up too much, if that is what he wants. They give in. It could be argued that it is incumbent on the submissive to make clear what she wants and needs out of life but I honestly don’t see that as the main game.

She has given her whole self over to him, and if that is what he wants then it is incumbent on him to do the right thing by her. He must know her mind well enough that he is in a position to make the right decisions on her behalf. As well, he must ensure that the decisions that he makes for her will allow her to live her life, not only with adequate sustenance for her inner life but with a sense that she has made the entirely correct decision to put her faith in him. Only then can a power exchange really thrive.

6 comments:

  1. Thanks for an insightful post! I agree with so much of what you say - particularly the onus on the dominant to make decisions that are truly right for the submissive.

    One of the things that's interesting to me is watching myself - an assertive and independent submissive woman - try to feel my way through this maze of relationship. Always hopeful...

    aisha

    ReplyDelete
  2. Vesta,

    Absolutely, mouse often wonders now if the Dom gets weary of making all the decisions? Not just about cars and salad dressings but everything so that she soars both emotionally and physically.

    For a long while mouse thought that only a man with supersized ego would want that kind of control (this was coming from an abusive past relationship), but as Omega often reminds mouse, he checks his ego at the door.

    Hugs,
    mouse

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thank you. I find this particularly thought-provoking as I realize how hard it has been over the past 2 years to submit to even the smallest things unless I want to or feel like. Not that these things are bad or unreasonable. It's just that I seem to *need* to resist. Almost on principal.

    Which, in fact, is probably exactly what it is. Both in my submission and in other areas of my life - in areas and on issues where it is quite inappropriate.

    From what you've said, I suddenly see that I am fighting old battles. My awareness of the battles isn't new - just my awareness of how they are playing out again and again. Which, of course, is a classic definition of neurosis.

    Your example of your son and soccer really hit home. You were open to recognizing what he did and didn't want. My parents never were.

    This is becoming too long, so I think I'd better continue it over at my place. But thank you ever so much for illuminating things for me. Whether it can save my relationship with the sadist, I don't know. It may be too late. But perhaps it can help me in other ways as I go on with my life.

    ReplyDelete
  4. aisha:I imagine that if we were push overs - as opposed to a bit pushy - taking our submission (as opposed to us giving it, which is how they like to look at it) would not be nearly so satisfying, so I don't worry too much about that the complexity of being assertive as well as submissive.

    Seeing the best in situations most of the time, I think the Dominant/Top tries very hard to make the right decisions for the submissive. Having said that, sometimes there seems little scope for a submissive to say that they are, in fact, not happy about something. This is what concerns me.

    mouse: From my experience true dominant men can't wait to make decisions. It is as natural to them as breathing; almost too natural!

    'Leaving your ego at the door' sounds like wonderful advice for any dominant. I suspect it is easier said than done given their sense that their role is to take charge and do things. Sometimes I worry that they can be wrapped up in all this and oblivious to the distress she hides in order to keep the show rolling along.

    OG: Lovely to see you on these pages again! I have read your most recent posts and I am sorry to read that you feel a disconnect with the Sadist at this time. If it is any consolation, I think disconnection or feeling that we don't measure up is *such* a common thing in submissives. I have recently heard it described as an ache in the stomach and I relate to that.

    When we resist, and I think we all do that sometimes, ADD or no, it tends to relate to some sense of negative emotion - that he is asking too much or he didn't attend to us as we would have liked or we are just feeling insecure (and whether that insecurity is justified or not can be rather irrelevant!) I think we go back to complying to the letter when that is sorted out and we feel that connection again. Gosh, this has played out so many times for me I fail to see how dominants can be so blind to the reasons why submissives temporarily fail!

    Thank you for the lovely compliment about my son. I feel proud that I have allowed them all to be as they wish to be themselves. This enables them to shine in those areas of life that they wish to pursue for themselves and to feel my love and pride in them, whatever their choices.

    It can be scary to me (and other submissives I know) just how much we rely on our Dominant. I do wonder if we don't resist sometimes in some perverse attempt to get acknowledgement that even though we are a bit abherrant, they wouldn't be without us for all the world...coz when we get that acknowledgement in some way or other, compliance is dead easy again!

    My best wishes and I hope you have better news to report soon.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Thanks, Vesta. There does seem to be some movement - and I must admit (and did to him) that the harsh measures (which I haven't detailed yet; they are mental, not physical) have finally gotten my attention.

    I also must admit that my behaviour has gotten HIS attention, that I am getting his attention, that just as I am not taking him for granted, so he is not taking me for granted. I think this was some of what was happening during those months of floating apart. I almost wonder if it was in some way triggered by the incredible intensity and intimacy of the night we spent in the hotel out of town.

    Again, thank you so much - for sparking some good self-examination on my part, for your support, and for your thoughtful analysis.

    o.g.

    ReplyDelete