Power

At the heart of a power exchange is the notion that one person will decide what is best for the other. In these circles, it is an acceptable premise, with various provisos. But, it is a particularly audacious thought, is it not?

I watched a particularly good discussion a week or so ago around the topic of cancer. There were general practitioners and oncologists and patients and family of patients involved in the discussion. At one point the issue of who decides whether to pursue treatments that have little hope of succeeding, or who decides what to do next came up for discussion.

One oncologist was forthright in saying that adult children are not the best judge of these decisions and the decision should be discussed with a person of similar age – a friend, a spouse. One young girl disputed this saying that the decisions about her father’s treatment had been decided “as a family”. Doctors generally advised patients to formulate a plan ahead of time so that it was their decision.

Rationally speaking, it doesn’t always make sense that one person could know what is best for another. Two people can discuss what is best for a person and if they discuss it long enough and hard enough, perhaps the second person can know the first person’s mind well enough to make decisions for them. But, to suggest another person is better placed to know what they need and should have is often really begging the question.

When children are young we have no alternative but to make decisions for them. We sign them up at a particular school and guide them into certain activities and ways of doing things. We give them a good quality road map. But, where they ultimately go and even how they get there is really up to them.

One small example of this is that our eldest boy played soccer and somehow or other I don’t think we actually asked the next one if he wanted to play soccer all through school. We just assumed it until one day his desire for something else became so evident that I finally opened my eyes and realized that we had made a mistake. It then took a bit of talking for me to convince his Dad that we were both wrong but thank goodness we saw the light in time and he has enjoyed his other activities with gusto ever since. My point is he did not actually say what he wanted, fearful I suppose of disappointing us.

I don’t think it is at all impossible for one person to decide for another what is right for them, but I do think it is a very hard task and one that requires enormous diligence, attention and monitoring. Those with a submissive nature, well suited to the power exchange dynamic are not inclined to want dispute or upset in their lives and are inclined to go with the flow and accept things as they play out as best they can.

Yet, unless their mind is so well understood and explored that the other who makes the decisions for them knows it like the back of his hand, there is likely to be missteps, misjudgements and poor decision making as to what is really best for that person. When and if this occurs, the submissive partner is left to make do; to accept less of life; to compromise, which is something they do rather well (perhaps too well).

It may be that the submissive partner misjudged what in fact she needed, of course. The dominant partner knew best all along. It is entirely possible. Who can really judge that? I suppose if she is content and happy within herself that is a good judge of circumstances. Or, perhaps she puts on a good front for him wanting happiness so much she is prepared to appear happy and content for him, even convincing herself (mostly) that she is happy and content.

When one person has the power and the other has very little or no power, human nature being what it is, selfishness is likely to be an issue. I don’t mean that they buy 14 suits for themselves and keep the submissive in an old dress (although, that could happen). I mean that within his decision making, even if he intended for the decision to be in her best interests (on some level), is he not really making the decision based largely on his own criteria and his interpretation of the world?

Submissive women have an inbuilt mechanism where they give and they give and they give. If necessary, they can give up too much, if that is what he wants. They give in. It could be argued that it is incumbent on the submissive to make clear what she wants and needs out of life but I honestly don’t see that as the main game.

She has given her whole self over to him, and if that is what he wants then it is incumbent on him to do the right thing by her. He must know her mind well enough that he is in a position to make the right decisions on her behalf. As well, he must ensure that the decisions that he makes for her will allow her to live her life, not only with adequate sustenance for her inner life but with a sense that she has made the entirely correct decision to put her faith in him. Only then can a power exchange really thrive.