For some dominants there is simply no negotiation. They determine what they want the submissive to achieve and there is no alternative but to bunker down and accept the situation. Of course, these situations are rarely easy; designed with struggle in mind; never achieved without intense challenge and commitment.
The dominant is inclined to cajole; a version of the carrot and stick approach; plenty of applause when there is improvement and progress but expressed disappointment and upset when the challenge is not embraced and accepted; when there is a lack of success.
The complacent submissive needs a correction. Complacency is not acceptable; most of all because the dominant can feel that he has failed the submissive in guiding her towards the success of the situation. No dominant wants to feel that sense of failure - if she fails then so does he - and hence drastic measures must finally be undertaken, because failure is just not on.
Realistically, day by day, people say, "I'm sorry. I just couldn't do it" and the other says, "That's okay. I know you tried." But, this is not the power exchange I know. What I know is that the dominant will simply go to more extreme measures to achieve satisfactory outcomes. The goal has been orchestrated and determined and not without careful thought; that's that.
The submissive has few alternatives available to him or her. Once a dominant says the way thing are going to be, in my experience, there's no reprieve. Sure, they'll discuss it somewhat but only to ultimately say that there will be no discussion about this, that the matter has been decided - a version of the argument 'I'm happy to discuss it and then we'll do it my way'.
The submissive isn't happy. She feels that the determination is harsh. She bristles at being corrected. She knows the next period of time is going to be filled with angst, sorrow, anger, frustration; feeling hardly done by; regret; change and transformation. Yet, she recognizes his responsibility to her; the fact that she should have done better; could have done better. He isn't inclined to relent. If she knows anything by now, she knows that. Success will happen.
What she had has been removed for a time; time for her to recommit to his insistence that his will is done; her inner understanding that this is what works for her; his control; his non-negotiating will; that she can do this; that their dynamic is such that she will do this and that there is no alternative but to succeed; not to "fail". The bottom line is this: thy will be done. Seriously, she respects this. She wouldn't want it any other way.
The dominant is inclined to cajole; a version of the carrot and stick approach; plenty of applause when there is improvement and progress but expressed disappointment and upset when the challenge is not embraced and accepted; when there is a lack of success.
The complacent submissive needs a correction. Complacency is not acceptable; most of all because the dominant can feel that he has failed the submissive in guiding her towards the success of the situation. No dominant wants to feel that sense of failure - if she fails then so does he - and hence drastic measures must finally be undertaken, because failure is just not on.
Realistically, day by day, people say, "I'm sorry. I just couldn't do it" and the other says, "That's okay. I know you tried." But, this is not the power exchange I know. What I know is that the dominant will simply go to more extreme measures to achieve satisfactory outcomes. The goal has been orchestrated and determined and not without careful thought; that's that.
The submissive has few alternatives available to him or her. Once a dominant says the way thing are going to be, in my experience, there's no reprieve. Sure, they'll discuss it somewhat but only to ultimately say that there will be no discussion about this, that the matter has been decided - a version of the argument 'I'm happy to discuss it and then we'll do it my way'.
The submissive isn't happy. She feels that the determination is harsh. She bristles at being corrected. She knows the next period of time is going to be filled with angst, sorrow, anger, frustration; feeling hardly done by; regret; change and transformation. Yet, she recognizes his responsibility to her; the fact that she should have done better; could have done better. He isn't inclined to relent. If she knows anything by now, she knows that. Success will happen.
What she had has been removed for a time; time for her to recommit to his insistence that his will is done; her inner understanding that this is what works for her; his control; his non-negotiating will; that she can do this; that their dynamic is such that she will do this and that there is no alternative but to succeed; not to "fail". The bottom line is this: thy will be done. Seriously, she respects this. She wouldn't want it any other way.
Vesta, I love this post, now if only it was as easy, life as a submissive would be plain sailing. Why is it so hard to just do what he demands od me.
ReplyDeletekiwigirliegirl: A correspondent of mine had his wife ask him for a power exchange relationship, years ago. He agreed (hardly a tough decision for him) but on the one condition that it was all or nothing. She couldn't chop and change about this or he might not reinstate it. She agreed. So, she obeys and if she doesn't, he corrects to return the relationship back to its rightful 'balance'. In other cases, a submissive might have the dominance taken away for a time, to see how that feels. Most submissives find it torture. Some lapses are expected. But, it does cause disharmony. Perhaps the best advise I ever got was: "Do it. Face the Music. Don't do it. Face the music." So, why not just do it? Hope that helps.
ReplyDeleteI found this really interesting because it's almost the exact opposite of how we work!
ReplyDeleteHe's incredibly supportive and understanding and praises me even when I haven't completely managed whatever it is, not managed it at all, or not managed it perfectly. You might thing this would make his praise less valuable but actually what it does is several things - it stops my destructive perfectionist tendencies which means I'm more likely to try things because I'm less afraid of 'failing' because to him, there is no failure, and it also motivates to me to try even harder in order both to please him even more and also to be properly worthy of his praise and awesomeness.
However, the whole - if you don't submit you don't get to - does hold. If I fight something too much he drops it - kindly, and in a 'that's ok, you're obviously not ready for it/or its not for us and if it's not fun (on some level) then there's no point' (It's not enough for him for me to obey, I have to be willing and happy about it too)
Being a contrary bugger, it's a sure fire way to make me buckle down and try it!
mc kitten: Thank you for your comment. I tend to write about personal experiences and sometimes I launch into a way of writing that suggests that there is some master plan for all submissives, which, of course, is not true. The Dominant needs to know his submissive and what will work for her, as the individual that she is. What your Dominant does for you works and that is all that is important. I'm inclined to respond to a non-negotiable stance. Oh, I'll take all the support I can get; adore praise; appreciate patience and forbearance as I learn. But, there is something inside me that responds to an overall rigidity as well. I feel safer that way perhaps. It's what I want. You sound happy and settled in your arrangement. That's grand.
ReplyDelete