For the past twenty or so years, my husband and I have shared working space, in the sense that although he has an office in the city he much prefers to work from his study at home. There reached a point some years ago when I found that situation overwhelming. There seemed no peace from his deep (read: loud and penetrating) voice issuing instructions over the phone and the sanctity of the home seemed, to me, invaded.
That's when he got the city office, actually. I remember my brother-in-law asking me if I was enjoying the peace and I replied that it was a 'God send'. He laughed, but I think he understood. It is not lost on him that his younger brother is intense. There were four children here at the time and a husband who worked from home day and night. It wasn't easy for a girl who is perfectly happy in her own company and who thrives in a sense of calm!
Anyways, it didn't last all that long because he likes it here at home much, much more than he does training it into the city and he goes in there as little as possible. I continue to work on holding onto a sense of peace, order and productivity amongst all the ups and downs of his days that relate to issues completely outside of my control and jurisdiction. Some days are better than others in terms of my ability to do that, let me tell you.
Now, out of the blue a new challenge has arisen. We were at the holiday house early in the month when for a day or two he didn't shave. He mentioned the obvious and enjoying the fact that he seemed so relaxed I said that it didn't matter. There was no need to shave down here if he didn't want to. He didn't shave and that was fine. He looked rugged, but so what? It was just for a few days and I wasn't worried.
We returned to the city and I remember registering surprise when the next day he didn't shave. The whiskers were getting really long now and I neither liked the feel nor the look. I suggested he shave. He said he wasn't ready. I suggested he trim it and he said he wanted to grow it. I was privately shocked. Was he really serious??
A few more days went by and the beard was getting long. It made him look much older. He's a man who all his adult life has managed to look 10 years younger than his age. Not any more. The beard is predominately grey!
I had no choice. I told him I hated it with a passion. He told me he wasn't ready to let it go. Truly, I couldn't believe my ears. Over the next week I reiterated several times my opinion. If he wanted to trim it right down, fine, but as a longer beard, I truly, absolutely and most definitely found it not to my liking. He said he was keeping it; that he'd probably be done with it by the end of February. I repeat: the end of February. That happens to be four weeks away. And, we are talking about the same man who put up a portable table to use as a desk to do his tax 18 years ago. I begged him not to do it. Please, I said, let's go out and buy a lovely new antique desk for the room. He deserved it. He assured me the horrible portable piece of junk would be gone within 6 weeks. I repeat, that's 18 years ago and he's still using it as his desk!!
If I were to no longer put highlights in my hair, or if I were to have my acrylic fingernails cut off, or if I were to sit around and eat chocolate cake and become overweight, he'd complain. He'd make it very clear he didn't approve and I'd listen to that. I'd respond. Is this just another example of the challenges one faces when married to a stubborn man and under the circumstances what is one supposed to do?
My boss, the boss I had when I was a Personal Assistant, once went through a rough patch in business and was faced with a series of debacles affecting the organization, through no fault of his own. He rode it through and came out the other side with a strong, growing organization in good financial shape. A journalist interviewed him about the situation he'd been through and asked if he felt it was character building, a phrase he'd often use himself in times of adversity. So, it was interesting to hear his response; that he felt he had enough character now. Me too. I have enough character now. You can give the challenges a little bit of a rest.
That's when he got the city office, actually. I remember my brother-in-law asking me if I was enjoying the peace and I replied that it was a 'God send'. He laughed, but I think he understood. It is not lost on him that his younger brother is intense. There were four children here at the time and a husband who worked from home day and night. It wasn't easy for a girl who is perfectly happy in her own company and who thrives in a sense of calm!
Anyways, it didn't last all that long because he likes it here at home much, much more than he does training it into the city and he goes in there as little as possible. I continue to work on holding onto a sense of peace, order and productivity amongst all the ups and downs of his days that relate to issues completely outside of my control and jurisdiction. Some days are better than others in terms of my ability to do that, let me tell you.
Now, out of the blue a new challenge has arisen. We were at the holiday house early in the month when for a day or two he didn't shave. He mentioned the obvious and enjoying the fact that he seemed so relaxed I said that it didn't matter. There was no need to shave down here if he didn't want to. He didn't shave and that was fine. He looked rugged, but so what? It was just for a few days and I wasn't worried.
We returned to the city and I remember registering surprise when the next day he didn't shave. The whiskers were getting really long now and I neither liked the feel nor the look. I suggested he shave. He said he wasn't ready. I suggested he trim it and he said he wanted to grow it. I was privately shocked. Was he really serious??
A few more days went by and the beard was getting long. It made him look much older. He's a man who all his adult life has managed to look 10 years younger than his age. Not any more. The beard is predominately grey!
I had no choice. I told him I hated it with a passion. He told me he wasn't ready to let it go. Truly, I couldn't believe my ears. Over the next week I reiterated several times my opinion. If he wanted to trim it right down, fine, but as a longer beard, I truly, absolutely and most definitely found it not to my liking. He said he was keeping it; that he'd probably be done with it by the end of February. I repeat: the end of February. That happens to be four weeks away. And, we are talking about the same man who put up a portable table to use as a desk to do his tax 18 years ago. I begged him not to do it. Please, I said, let's go out and buy a lovely new antique desk for the room. He deserved it. He assured me the horrible portable piece of junk would be gone within 6 weeks. I repeat, that's 18 years ago and he's still using it as his desk!!
If I were to no longer put highlights in my hair, or if I were to have my acrylic fingernails cut off, or if I were to sit around and eat chocolate cake and become overweight, he'd complain. He'd make it very clear he didn't approve and I'd listen to that. I'd respond. Is this just another example of the challenges one faces when married to a stubborn man and under the circumstances what is one supposed to do?
My boss, the boss I had when I was a Personal Assistant, once went through a rough patch in business and was faced with a series of debacles affecting the organization, through no fault of his own. He rode it through and came out the other side with a strong, growing organization in good financial shape. A journalist interviewed him about the situation he'd been through and asked if he felt it was character building, a phrase he'd often use himself in times of adversity. So, it was interesting to hear his response; that he felt he had enough character now. Me too. I have enough character now. You can give the challenges a little bit of a rest.
I like facial hair on young men very much! Both the look and the feel of it. But when it is mostly or all gray, it really ages them. It puzzles me that so many older men sport the gray beards and think this is a good look.
ReplyDeleteI understand that in your dynamic, you please him and it's not his role to please you. But I think it's odd that you told him so plainly how you feel about it, and he disregarded that. Especially because being so outspoken and clear about it is not usually how you deal with him. I get the impression you often keep things to yourself, and you stepped out of your comfort zone to say how much you hate it.
Perhaps I am naïve, but I would like to think that our opinions are important to the men, and even hold some sway with them.
Character. Yeah. I could see where you are thinking you have enough of that for now. You were very funny in how you wrote on this subject.
Susan aka July Girl
Susan: I am so pleased you found it funny. He's exasperating, yes, but I'm sort of used to that aspect of him. Yes, I do keep a lot of opinions to myself. He has so many of his own that it would just get too complicated if I expressed them all. Interesting that you should say that you noted and wondered about him disregarding my thoughts. I was thinking about it as I woke up just now. I was thinking that some people do that. They are so intent in doing or thinking what is in their heads that they can listen without listening, or simply disregard the other person talking. It's almost as if they are so driven in their own direction that they simply can't change course. I've noticed it many times before. If I'm intent on him listening to my opinion and taking it on as a viable alternative, I think I must do something differently. Perhaps it is that I don't do it often. Sometimes, and I do emphasize the word 'sometimes', he'll listen carefully and agree that I have a point and will adjust his direction. But, on the whole, it is not possible for me to direct him. There's the famous tile story. We had revolting tiles in the kitchen in the holiday house. I researched it and said I could paint them. He resisted and resisted. It wouldn't work, he said. I kept on. He insisted on supervising, grumbling all the way. The job was done - naturally, he took it over. What a wonderful idea it had been, he exclaimed. So transformational! It was something that was important to me and I was fighting for it. Voila! No more shitty brown kitchen.
ReplyDeleteI love men with hair but oh your post brought a genuine smile to my face :) ava x
ReplyDeleteAva Grace: I'm happy it made you smile. I actually do too - love men with *some* hair. That sort of 'shadow' thing where there is facial hair but just a bit, I love that. That look can be very sexy. That's why I encouraged him to use a shaver. He's got a lot of strengths, my husband, but I'll be darned if I can get him to take direction (from me). When he needs clothes I sort of swing by the same store with him and the man who owns it takes over and tells him what to buy, sorts him out. It's bliss!
ReplyDeleteHmmm ! This is interesting ! I have never asked S to change something about his appearance - why? Because I know he would only do it if 'he' wanted to and under his terms. This goes for other things too - as in how the whole relationship runs. Of course this doesn't stop me completely. I will hint, nudge, suggest, propose even invite - but where does it get me? Over his knee. Now that is another topic up for discussion. Does this mean he is taking advantage of the dynamic -or is it simply that he will not change if he does not want to, period. Love yoo xxx
ReplyDeleteJaney: I wouldn't say that he is "taking advantage of the situation" but it does sound as if he has no desire to change. If you think about it, most people probably don't have a desire to change and any sort of change needs to be done very gradually. My mother told me recently that she was very discreet with changes re my Dad. He had no fashion sense when they met but she "introduced" him to new ideas and I think he liked that pampering. He'd never had it before. Right to the end he loved getting dressed up and being smart. My husband, coming from a farm, tended to wear certain clothing. Rural people here are pretty attached to their creme pants and in the USA he adopted the 'chino' with much ease. Not needing to dress up to go to the city now (as not having to please anyone but himself) he'll sort of 'adapt' this chino look by adding a favorite dark jacket he bought when we were in London. I love the jacket but it doesn't look right with creme chinos. My sensibilities couldn't take it. So, the last time we shopped, just after Christmas, I suggested the dark color pants as well as yet another pair of creme pants, and he took those into the change room. When he came out he said to me that he'd thought about it and decided it was a good idea; that it would look a bit more business like in the city. It's baby steps; a little thing here, a little thing there. I often will ask him if he likes this dress or whatever. I want him to be pleased. He notes things. We saw this fabulous play on Friday night and the shoes were almost a character - all these incredibly high, sexy shoes. I told him I loved the ones that laced up her foot and ankle and he's mentioned that already - "so, you like the lacy sandals, hunh?". I know he'd love to find a pair for me because he knows I'd feel different in them; more desirable perhaps. So, if you can get even a little thing going, how much you love this or that, or how handsome he'd look with a brown suede jacket or whatever - that could be kinda fun. I think it's nice when we can influence one another. On the other hand, it may not be his thing and in that case just enjoy the fact that he runs the show. That's sexy too.
ReplyDeleteHello darling girl - I find that he is keener to change what I wear - rather than me having a say in what he dons. Recently he stated that he wanted me to put on my new dress. What new dress I thought. And there it was, hanging in the wardrobe - a vintage tea dress. Daisy in The Great Gatsby - and me a brunette! I hesitated, began to think of excuses, but then I put it on and it fitted like a glove. I would never in a million years have chosen something like this - but as you say above a little input and encouragement from the other can be very nice. And sometimes having no choice in the matter can be extremely arousing ...
ReplyDeleteJaney - Ohhhh, aren't you a lucky girl! I think it's divine that he did that. I've not reacted so well to some changes he's made, I'm afraid. When he bought me home silver jewellery from the US (I used to wear just gold) I reacted badly at first and remain ashamed of my reaction. I can be too opinionated for my own good. Very quickly I adapted to silver and have never really turned back. It's a difficult thing to buy a girl a dress and get it right, so kudos to S!
ReplyDeleteA propos of reacting to changes - well we need to be good submissive girls ! I've sent you mail xx
ReplyDeleteJaney: I'll look forward to that and shall reply soonest.
ReplyDelete