I managed to read an article by Remittance Girl today entitled The Ephemeral Quality of Dominance. I was impressed by the article overall but smitten by some points she made in particular.
RG writes this:
"One of the reasons I don’t identify myself as truly submissive is that I am reluctant to trust or burden anyone with the responsibility for my pleasure. And a dominant IS ultimately responsible for it. They don’t have to read minds – they can demand communicativeness in order to take that responsibility – but that’s the deal. It’s all in their hands."
That's right. A dominant is ultimately responsible for the submissive's pleasure. It IS all in their hands and they should expect and even demand that there is sufficient communication about what constitutes pleasure such that they can take charge of creating pleasure. There is no telling when, where or how this might take place but the submissive needs to be confident enough and therefore able to trust the dominant that he will take responsibility for the pleasure (which could, of course, be pain).
In this sort of power exchange arrangement, one of the thrills is that another person is so interested in you and what constitutes pleasure for you. Even the sadists, as far I know, love the notion that they pleasure the other, on some level. It's insufficient, in my opinion, if the submissive is able to express to a submissive friend that they continue to hope that their desires will one day be played out, years and years after the agreement for power exchange has been agreed to. I've always felt that the best dominants are akin to magicians who sometimes set the stage for the submissive and allow at least one or two of his or her dreams to come true. This sort of kindness is never forgotten. This evokes trust and connection. This is worth the effort.
RG also writes this:
"Dominance isn’t physical; it’s mental. Superficially, it might be nice if you can toss your partner around in a bed, but you shouldn’t have to. If you’re in control, you can move someone with a single finger touch to the hip."
This is absolutely true. I know when I feel the surge of dominance. It only takes a word or two. Through training, I know what will happen if I don't accord with the words. Should I choose not to acquiesce to an instruction or follow through with an agreement I've only got myself to blame. The parameters have been well laid out. The deal has been struck and the ink is dry. I wouldn't dream of dismissing the dynamic now. It's the last thing I'd want. It would cause a disconnect that would be far more upsetting than any scenario or outcome I can conjure.
I believe it is about chemistry and the lucky ones are those for whom the chemistry is right. One's orientation is not nearly enough. As I've said before, you can't dismiss 'sensibilities' and you have to trust your instincts. He may be the greatest dominant for someone else but that doesn't mean he's the dominant for you.
It takes two to tango but it should be remembered it takes work as well. If your instincts tell you that you are onto a good thing but there are still issues between you, then you have to be prepared to stretch and grow into the dynamic. He's going to be doing some molding and transforming and it's not necessarily going to be easy or comfortable all the time. There are times you might want to tell him 'thanks, but no thanks' only to realize your mind was pushing at some limit; making space for the next frontier. If there is one thing I have learned it is that under the right tutelage it is all very much worth the effort. Sometimes, it just takes time.
RG writes this:
"One of the reasons I don’t identify myself as truly submissive is that I am reluctant to trust or burden anyone with the responsibility for my pleasure. And a dominant IS ultimately responsible for it. They don’t have to read minds – they can demand communicativeness in order to take that responsibility – but that’s the deal. It’s all in their hands."
That's right. A dominant is ultimately responsible for the submissive's pleasure. It IS all in their hands and they should expect and even demand that there is sufficient communication about what constitutes pleasure such that they can take charge of creating pleasure. There is no telling when, where or how this might take place but the submissive needs to be confident enough and therefore able to trust the dominant that he will take responsibility for the pleasure (which could, of course, be pain).
In this sort of power exchange arrangement, one of the thrills is that another person is so interested in you and what constitutes pleasure for you. Even the sadists, as far I know, love the notion that they pleasure the other, on some level. It's insufficient, in my opinion, if the submissive is able to express to a submissive friend that they continue to hope that their desires will one day be played out, years and years after the agreement for power exchange has been agreed to. I've always felt that the best dominants are akin to magicians who sometimes set the stage for the submissive and allow at least one or two of his or her dreams to come true. This sort of kindness is never forgotten. This evokes trust and connection. This is worth the effort.
RG also writes this:
"Dominance isn’t physical; it’s mental. Superficially, it might be nice if you can toss your partner around in a bed, but you shouldn’t have to. If you’re in control, you can move someone with a single finger touch to the hip."
This is absolutely true. I know when I feel the surge of dominance. It only takes a word or two. Through training, I know what will happen if I don't accord with the words. Should I choose not to acquiesce to an instruction or follow through with an agreement I've only got myself to blame. The parameters have been well laid out. The deal has been struck and the ink is dry. I wouldn't dream of dismissing the dynamic now. It's the last thing I'd want. It would cause a disconnect that would be far more upsetting than any scenario or outcome I can conjure.
I believe it is about chemistry and the lucky ones are those for whom the chemistry is right. One's orientation is not nearly enough. As I've said before, you can't dismiss 'sensibilities' and you have to trust your instincts. He may be the greatest dominant for someone else but that doesn't mean he's the dominant for you.
It takes two to tango but it should be remembered it takes work as well. If your instincts tell you that you are onto a good thing but there are still issues between you, then you have to be prepared to stretch and grow into the dynamic. He's going to be doing some molding and transforming and it's not necessarily going to be easy or comfortable all the time. There are times you might want to tell him 'thanks, but no thanks' only to realize your mind was pushing at some limit; making space for the next frontier. If there is one thing I have learned it is that under the right tutelage it is all very much worth the effort. Sometimes, it just takes time.
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