Reflections, chronic fatigue

As this year starts to draw to a close, I'm aware of some turbulent thoughts and so I am going to take a few minutes here to be reflective about the past year.

On a personal level, it's been a year of achievement. I've finished five M.A. subjects, which I am pleased about. I can run further than I could at the beginning of the year and I've involved myself in more social activities. They are all positive accomplishments, I think.

In other ways, however, the year has been challenging. My husband's chronic fatigue condition has dominated the year and my opportunities to let 'cindi' out of the bag have been compromised in a number of ways.

I'm left to wonder what I am doing and where I am going. I am deeply conscious of the part of me that responds so beautifully to having a dominant and feeling that sense of strong connection and yet the opportunity for this forging of my submissiveness with a dominant force is ultimately compromised.

The love that my husband and I share seems to be unbreakable. There have been challenges for the marriage and yet neither of us has ever seriously thought of walking away. It's not just the children. It's this unbreakable union of ours; the unconditional love. We are in this together until death do us part.

On occasions I can see and feel him trying to be the man he once was to me. I know he wishes it were different. The will is there but the energy rarely is. We have little talks about how it might be, what changes we could make, what might work for him or what he might be able to manage, but the simple fact is that he has changed now. The condition only allows him so much focus and energy to draw on in a day. Whether this is permanent no-one can say.

Of course, I look up advice for the spouses of people with chronic fatigue for tips. Communication is the big piece of advice, to be patient and realistic and recognize they are doing the best they can. The other piece of advice is to not be too hard on yourself. They have lost a part of themselves but as the spouse you too have lost a part of your life.

I think what I've tried to do is hold onto that part of myself that gives me such a boost in life, that part of me that revels in submission, at the same time as I am dealing with profound loss. Of course, the two don't really go together. Deep down, I know that I am trying to chase the depressive thoughts away. I so wanted this time of our lives to be different.

On the weekend I spoke to him about how it all began for us: a spanking arrangement. I was telling him about my stats; that of all the posts I have ever written the most popular by far was the one called 'Spanking Memories'. I understand that many people would have googled those words and landed on my journal but even allowing for that there's huge interest in spanking and spanking arrangements out there. I asked him if he'd like to go back to that. I suggested a time when it might work because privacy is still very hard for us. The children come and go without notice. We would hardly ever have the house to ourselves at the same time of day and week.

He thought it a good idea; said that he felt it helped me to be spanked and I said that I thought it helped him to spank me. So far it hasn't happened. But, that's the goal for us; not a particularly grand or all encompassing goal but it's a 'something'; a 'something' that could make a big difference for both of us.

One of the aspects of myself that I don't like is that to me I can feel weak. Some people have to endure so much and here am I sorta breaking down when on the surface my life is going along all right. It's just that on the inside I feel so vulnerable and...liable to break. I feel...little, and wish that someone would pick me up and give me the most enormous bear hug. Well, I can't complain really, my youngest son gave me a lovely hug at the front door this morning and I noticed I held onto him perhaps a second longer than I should have. It's just a rather vulnerable day for Vesta.

So, enough of this self pity. I'm off to the market to see my Chinese fishmonger, my Vietnamese butcher, my Moroccan deli man. I adore my little weekly outing amongst all the nationalities of the world in the one location. I'll smile at them and they'll smile at me and all will be right with the world.