A relationship with a person of the opposite sex is a tricky thing. If nothing else, there are those cycles of coming together and growing apart, only to come together again. A girl doesn't know when he may feel the need to distance himself again; to tire of her and her needs and feel the need to go 'walkabout'. Yet another walkabout...
In a similar way, some friendships go through rocky times. I've a long standing friendship with someone. I don't think he quite understands me and I certainly don't entirely understand him. And, this is after sharing a great many intimacies; many more intimacies than hardly anyone else knows. He wanted to know me; me in all the shades of me and that's a very precious thing. But, we had a stupid, dumb falling out one time and there was quite a lot of time before we really spoke to one another in a real way.
I remember him saying (how could I ever forget!?) "I have so missed you, Vesta." And, I said, "Why didn't you say so silly?" And, he said, "It is all in the timing." Well, I don't think that's quite right. If he had said that at any other time, my heart would have melted, for sure.
The thing is we all tip toe around one another and maybe especially so we 'control freaks' and 'giving up control freaks'. "Does he want to talk to me anymore?" "Maybe I am just a burden to him..." "Maybe he only wants what he wants and isn't interested in me at all." These are the thoughts that run through our heads.
On both ends of the stick we are incredibly vulnerable souls, neither sure of the other. He worries that he may be seen to be giving up any control or we worry about interjecting on what seems to be his funk.
Men do have funks, you know: dominant men. Don't let them tell you anything different. They feel they can't reveal their insecurities for fear we will think less of them or that their insecurities will derail us. And, they do. The honest answer is that their insecurities will derail us a little because we seem to need them to read the map; to know where we are going and how we will get there. It isn't that we are so useless at sorting out problems as that we don't read life maps so well as them. We are not really sure and even though they are not always sure either, at least they are better at being 'not sure' than us.
I remember being told in my 20s that I needed a man to tell me where we were going and how we would go about getting there and that was a good analysis of me. It isn't that I couldn't sort that out myself if I needed to - maybe better at times than he could (whoever he was) but I do best as the support system.
As the support system, when he isn't functioning well as the leader...well, it feels scattered and I feel scattered. If I seem scattered, then that throws him off his game. It isn't my place or my role to criticize (or even comment such that it is interpreted as a criticism) and now we both feel out of sorts.
It is a fine, fine thing we do; a delicate mission.
"Woman needs man and man must have his mate..."
There are the issues of control, to be sure, but at the heart of these engagements is a sense of vulnerability; role, place, support; the fitness of things.
I remember these words from someone I knew: "You fuck them and fuck them and love them and love them and they turn on you."
This was his interpretation of her words to him, whatever they were.
We want to be heard but words are so often misinterpreted. A momentary bout of frustration becomes in the other's mind, the status quo; proof of her dissatisfaction. Is that was it was? Or, a momentary bout of frustration?
We are all so delicate...
What we do is no different to what people have been doing since we evolved from the apes. We inter-relate. We get it wrong. We distance ourselves. Sometimes, we come together again. Sometimes, we don't.
If age has taught me anything it has taught me that I don't want to squander opportunities to understand and know another person completely. These opportunities are rare. They must not be squandered. But, it is not easy to understand some people. Trust me. Some people are much more complicated than me.
This is life. We do what we do.
I burrow down deeper to understand those who seem to make every effort to refuse to be understood, fearful that in doing so I give up all semblance of dignity. If only I could read minds; understand the motivations of men better. Perhaps the future is in the tea leaves after all.
In a similar way, some friendships go through rocky times. I've a long standing friendship with someone. I don't think he quite understands me and I certainly don't entirely understand him. And, this is after sharing a great many intimacies; many more intimacies than hardly anyone else knows. He wanted to know me; me in all the shades of me and that's a very precious thing. But, we had a stupid, dumb falling out one time and there was quite a lot of time before we really spoke to one another in a real way.
I remember him saying (how could I ever forget!?) "I have so missed you, Vesta." And, I said, "Why didn't you say so silly?" And, he said, "It is all in the timing." Well, I don't think that's quite right. If he had said that at any other time, my heart would have melted, for sure.
The thing is we all tip toe around one another and maybe especially so we 'control freaks' and 'giving up control freaks'. "Does he want to talk to me anymore?" "Maybe I am just a burden to him..." "Maybe he only wants what he wants and isn't interested in me at all." These are the thoughts that run through our heads.
On both ends of the stick we are incredibly vulnerable souls, neither sure of the other. He worries that he may be seen to be giving up any control or we worry about interjecting on what seems to be his funk.
Men do have funks, you know: dominant men. Don't let them tell you anything different. They feel they can't reveal their insecurities for fear we will think less of them or that their insecurities will derail us. And, they do. The honest answer is that their insecurities will derail us a little because we seem to need them to read the map; to know where we are going and how we will get there. It isn't that we are so useless at sorting out problems as that we don't read life maps so well as them. We are not really sure and even though they are not always sure either, at least they are better at being 'not sure' than us.
I remember being told in my 20s that I needed a man to tell me where we were going and how we would go about getting there and that was a good analysis of me. It isn't that I couldn't sort that out myself if I needed to - maybe better at times than he could (whoever he was) but I do best as the support system.
As the support system, when he isn't functioning well as the leader...well, it feels scattered and I feel scattered. If I seem scattered, then that throws him off his game. It isn't my place or my role to criticize (or even comment such that it is interpreted as a criticism) and now we both feel out of sorts.
It is a fine, fine thing we do; a delicate mission.
"Woman needs man and man must have his mate..."
There are the issues of control, to be sure, but at the heart of these engagements is a sense of vulnerability; role, place, support; the fitness of things.
I remember these words from someone I knew: "You fuck them and fuck them and love them and love them and they turn on you."
This was his interpretation of her words to him, whatever they were.
We want to be heard but words are so often misinterpreted. A momentary bout of frustration becomes in the other's mind, the status quo; proof of her dissatisfaction. Is that was it was? Or, a momentary bout of frustration?
We are all so delicate...
What we do is no different to what people have been doing since we evolved from the apes. We inter-relate. We get it wrong. We distance ourselves. Sometimes, we come together again. Sometimes, we don't.
If age has taught me anything it has taught me that I don't want to squander opportunities to understand and know another person completely. These opportunities are rare. They must not be squandered. But, it is not easy to understand some people. Trust me. Some people are much more complicated than me.
This is life. We do what we do.
I burrow down deeper to understand those who seem to make every effort to refuse to be understood, fearful that in doing so I give up all semblance of dignity. If only I could read minds; understand the motivations of men better. Perhaps the future is in the tea leaves after all.
Reading minds would be a great super power to have. I too find myself completely off if my Dom is having a hard day or feeling down and then it goes into a downward tailspin. I am still tryiong to find a better way to deasl with those times. It's tough.
ReplyDeleteVesta,
ReplyDeleteI find your sentiment, "A relationship with a person of the opposite sex is a tricky thing" interesting only because I have actually found a relationship with a person of the same gender to be a tricky thing. The friendships I made with gentlemen tend to flow easier and I am far less self conscious when speaking my mind whether in a logical debate or an emotional confession. Now, I took your word relationship to also include friendship; however, if you meant solely in an intimate way then perhaps yes it can be tricky although I find being honest with men just far easier than with women.
With women I am guarded, I do not wish to unintentionally hurt feelings and overall I find the majority of women to be highly sensitive when hearing the truth regardless of what words or tone I use.
For me it does become a little challenging when the male counterpart feels insecure only because I find "they" do not know how to be honest about such feelings of vulnerability and they seem awkward in understanding and processing said feelings.
As for understanding the motivations of men, I actually think it is far simpler than what women believe them to be. In fact I think women make things more complicated than they really are. Of course I could be way off, anything is possible. ;)
~a
dancingbarez: It would sure solve some problems to be able to read someone's mind. I think we all have to use guessing power - to try to walk in another person's shoes, as the saying goes. Chances are half the time our guesses are not going to be accurate and therein lies so many misunderstandings. Sometimes, I will say "what do you mean?" in the hope that we can clarify the issue before I jump to rash conclusions but even that doesn't necessarily shed all that much light. It depends how much someone is prepared to be transparent.
ReplyDeleteI have noticed repeatedly over my life that when my husband doesn't quite know where he is going, I am not really myself, though I try to camouflage that too.
goodgirl: I think you instinctively picked up on the fact that this post was in code - that I wasn't really saying all that I felt.
To clarify a little...It would be a very rare day that I would tell a woman a secret because rare is the day that I trust a woman with one of my secrets. You are the exception, dear one.
I hold my men friends to a higher expectation. They do know many of my secrets. This is not to say that they don't occasionally annoy me as I must surely annoy them.
Your understanding of many human motivations is impressive. I know I have sometimes been willing to give someone more of the benefit of the doubt. Maybe I'm gullible...naive...stupid...
I have this notion that if one works hard enough friendships can be extraordinarily elevating experiences. I think I'm always trying to explore that unhidden frontier where people act nobly; kindly and with consummate good manners. Maybe my expectations are just too high. I feel sure my birth in this era was a mistake and that I was meant to live in an age where life was slower and people much better mannered in the main.
Vesta,
ReplyDeleteYes, I did pick up on code. :) And might I add you too are an exception for me. I am fortunate to be able to speak with you and feel close. Thank you.
~a
xx