It is said that a diary is more intimate than a journal because a journal is more public. We have an interesting experience in anonymous online journal writing because theoretically we can say what we want here. But, we don't, do we? At least, I don't. I do say what I feel often but it is tempered by the fact that there are readers of the material.
In a diary that we hide in the back of the lingerie drawer we are much more willing to say exactly what we think. In a diary there is no-one to hurt, no-one to judge and most importantly, if we become embarrassed or worried that we have committed our thoughts to paper, we can cross it out, or tear the page out, or burn the book, if necessary. When writing in on-line journals and publishing those words, we need to be aware we publish them, technically, forever.
When I moved into this house, the previous owner had left a diary. I didn't find it for some time because it was hidden on a shelf, up high and way back. I read the diary (of course I did!) and I was quite shocked at the things she wrote, mostly about her ex-husband and how she felt about him at certain times and her attempts to get back into life as a single woman. The entry I remember best is that her father had bought her a car and when her husband came to the house to collect his art she drove the car to another street so that he wouldn't see it. But, when she returned to the car later that day he had left a note on the windscreen. "Nice car, Linda. Did Daddy buy that for you?"
It was so evident that it had become a rather sordid sort of situation and that whilst she didn't want to be unmarried, she didn't want to be with him either. The writing was straight from the heart and onto the page; full of vulnerability and inner strength to move on; to not be a victim. I felt warmer about this woman after reading it because she presented as a bit of a tough broad when meeting her in person and I realized after reading her private reflections that she was actually a woman who had been hurt and was doing her best to protect herself. The distance she put between herself and us in person was simply a protective layer.
I've kept diaries where I have poured my heart out and later I burned them because if I died and my children found them, (as I found Linda's diary) I would have left them with the impression that I had been terribly sad. Yes, I was sad when I wrote them but I am not now and have only been sad for a very short time in my life, so why burden them (or anyone) with the knowledge that for a short time I was sad, angry, confused, embittered. I turned them into ashes because that is where they were meant to go.
I keep notebooks filled with ideas and thoughts but they aren't about me. If I am nutting out a very confusing relationship I write down how I feel or what was said in order to try to make sense of my reactions to a certain event or conversation.
I've kept (and keep) notes about my kinky life. Whilst cindi was always there, so to speak, adapting her into my life was never going to be straightforward and I've got endless notes about that as I endeavored to embrace her simple sense of a happy life into my life. To do this meant that 'the girl' with endless thoughts and ideas needed to make space for cindi and that required a process of 'letting go' that I worked on daily for a few years. My notebooks about those years are about the processes I used to attain that sense of peace and purpose.
Looking back, I had no idea where I was going - simply that I was on my way. My notebook simply entitled '2010' begins with the words:
Lessons
- you have an owner
- you are owned
it is the role of the FT (fuck toy) to be alluring and enticing
FT needs reminders of its role, status and purpose e.g. nails, writing on body, piercings, tattoos, dress code, wearing pluggi (ON switch)
FT must be dumdum - not too much thinki
That was the first page; my entrance into a world of transformation that altered my days; my thinking; my way of living and way of life. Need I add that this notebook is utterly precious to me?
I have written so many words about all this but still the words flow. It is not just a desire to express myself. I don't really seek to be understood but I do seek to understand. I put so much energy and time into this process. I embraced it with my heart and soul. I remember asking one day (and I didn't ask a lot), "But why do I want this?" I genuinely didn't know why I was so adamant to experience this process and to see it through to the end. And the person that I was speaking with said, "Because you seek the Divine".
Within all this writing is a desire to tap into something that I don't really understand. It's a passion that isn't logical. There is something that drives me onward.
This afternoon after school I mentioned to my son that I happened to check into my Face book and I saw his U tube video and liked it. That began a conversation (or rather, I listened to him and nodded) of over an hour's length as he explained the process he had undertaken and what every little decision he had made along the way meant to him. He was animated. He was as passionate as any human being can be about a subject. He is, quite simply, driven to express himself through animation, film, drawing and even editing. He was meant to do this. I totally get that.
And I am meant to write about my transformation until I have all the answers.
In a diary that we hide in the back of the lingerie drawer we are much more willing to say exactly what we think. In a diary there is no-one to hurt, no-one to judge and most importantly, if we become embarrassed or worried that we have committed our thoughts to paper, we can cross it out, or tear the page out, or burn the book, if necessary. When writing in on-line journals and publishing those words, we need to be aware we publish them, technically, forever.
When I moved into this house, the previous owner had left a diary. I didn't find it for some time because it was hidden on a shelf, up high and way back. I read the diary (of course I did!) and I was quite shocked at the things she wrote, mostly about her ex-husband and how she felt about him at certain times and her attempts to get back into life as a single woman. The entry I remember best is that her father had bought her a car and when her husband came to the house to collect his art she drove the car to another street so that he wouldn't see it. But, when she returned to the car later that day he had left a note on the windscreen. "Nice car, Linda. Did Daddy buy that for you?"
It was so evident that it had become a rather sordid sort of situation and that whilst she didn't want to be unmarried, she didn't want to be with him either. The writing was straight from the heart and onto the page; full of vulnerability and inner strength to move on; to not be a victim. I felt warmer about this woman after reading it because she presented as a bit of a tough broad when meeting her in person and I realized after reading her private reflections that she was actually a woman who had been hurt and was doing her best to protect herself. The distance she put between herself and us in person was simply a protective layer.
I've kept diaries where I have poured my heart out and later I burned them because if I died and my children found them, (as I found Linda's diary) I would have left them with the impression that I had been terribly sad. Yes, I was sad when I wrote them but I am not now and have only been sad for a very short time in my life, so why burden them (or anyone) with the knowledge that for a short time I was sad, angry, confused, embittered. I turned them into ashes because that is where they were meant to go.
I keep notebooks filled with ideas and thoughts but they aren't about me. If I am nutting out a very confusing relationship I write down how I feel or what was said in order to try to make sense of my reactions to a certain event or conversation.
I've kept (and keep) notes about my kinky life. Whilst cindi was always there, so to speak, adapting her into my life was never going to be straightforward and I've got endless notes about that as I endeavored to embrace her simple sense of a happy life into my life. To do this meant that 'the girl' with endless thoughts and ideas needed to make space for cindi and that required a process of 'letting go' that I worked on daily for a few years. My notebooks about those years are about the processes I used to attain that sense of peace and purpose.
Looking back, I had no idea where I was going - simply that I was on my way. My notebook simply entitled '2010' begins with the words:
Lessons
- you have an owner
- you are owned
it is the role of the FT (fuck toy) to be alluring and enticing
FT needs reminders of its role, status and purpose e.g. nails, writing on body, piercings, tattoos, dress code, wearing pluggi (ON switch)
FT must be dumdum - not too much thinki
That was the first page; my entrance into a world of transformation that altered my days; my thinking; my way of living and way of life. Need I add that this notebook is utterly precious to me?
I have written so many words about all this but still the words flow. It is not just a desire to express myself. I don't really seek to be understood but I do seek to understand. I put so much energy and time into this process. I embraced it with my heart and soul. I remember asking one day (and I didn't ask a lot), "But why do I want this?" I genuinely didn't know why I was so adamant to experience this process and to see it through to the end. And the person that I was speaking with said, "Because you seek the Divine".
Within all this writing is a desire to tap into something that I don't really understand. It's a passion that isn't logical. There is something that drives me onward.
This afternoon after school I mentioned to my son that I happened to check into my Face book and I saw his U tube video and liked it. That began a conversation (or rather, I listened to him and nodded) of over an hour's length as he explained the process he had undertaken and what every little decision he had made along the way meant to him. He was animated. He was as passionate as any human being can be about a subject. He is, quite simply, driven to express himself through animation, film, drawing and even editing. He was meant to do this. I totally get that.
And I am meant to write about my transformation until I have all the answers.
I always consider writing a journal or a diary but Im too frightened that someday someone will find it. I even get this way with implements. Some days I panic and want to toss them all in the garbage. I would hope if anyone read my stuff it would help them to have a glimpse of who I really am but I fear that they would just see me as a freak. Even my blog.....what if someone found it and knew it was me? I wonder how many others feel this way.
ReplyDeleteGalway
It's to the benefit of all who visit here that you continue to write. Writing down our innermost thoughts and feelings is indeed cathartic and very healthy. Clearly many people feel the need to unburden themselves of their thoughts in safe secure ways and in many cases need to share them with others somehow; writing them in a diary alone doesn't always cut it; hence the success of community arts projects such as postcardsanonymous.com.
ReplyDeleteMy wife has kept a diary at certain points of her life where she felt the need to let things out safely and alone and later, when the time was right and the feelings not so raw, has found the courage to share the contents with me. It's brought us closer every time. We have also found writing letters to each other helps us untangle complex issues and find balance between heart and mind. Sometimes the letters are shared; sometimes they are destroyed before sending. Some are treasured as precious insights and some are consumed then discarded. Never is the process a wasted effort.
Writing things down is a way of explaining ourselves to ourselves, I think, and hence allowing us to better take care of ourselves and others.
The anonymous blog has its role in this, though I wonder do you feel a sense of projecting a public persona that needs still to be respected and is therefore subject to a degree of self-censorship? If so, is this blog a vehicle to look inward and reflect with honesty?
I don't mean to imply you're being in anyway dishonest by saying that. Simply interested in the writer's perspective. Having not blogged personally (my secrets are more likely to be shared directly with internet 'friends' via email) I can't place myself in your shoes but am keen to understand.
Thanks.
Galwaygiirl: I do understand. Generally speaking, thinking about myself in the wider world, I think I would just put my head up and go on, if the world knew what I had written here, in a Hilary Clinton sort of way. They can only bring you down if you let them. But, on a parochial level, I know girlfriends who would be cruel about it. I've heard them talk about other people and the things they have found out and it is nothing short of cruel and ignorant. We keep our guard up for reasons of survival and I think we have to be sensible. Still, the world is opening up every day. There will come a day when nothing here or in your diary is going to lead to someone kicking up a fuss. The thing is, we haven't hurt a fly. There are bigger fish to fry.
ReplyDeleteRollyMo: Do I feel a sense of projecting a public persona? That's a very interesting question. The answer is, I do somewhat. I feel a degree of responsibility to voice my opinion honestly because I believe that I do most good out there by saying things as I see them. Most of the writing on the Internet about BDSM and objectification is rather rigid and defined and my ideas and experiences don't fit into that cookie cutter mold. So, the way I monitor myself is not to monitor myself. If I am not popular or people don't comment that much it doesn't matter too much to me. I just go on writing what I want to write when I want to write, remaining hopeful that over time, there is a genuine story there of a woman who tried very hard to live on her own terms.
What I am trying to say is, what you see is what you get. And, I feel the same way about my conversations as cindi too, by the way. Although my mentor and I were in tightly defined roles in that process, I believe we were always responding perfectly naturally. Yes, I withheld certain sentiments (like sometimes I wanted to tell him what an ass he was being) but I tried to find another way around that to stay true to who I am. Not a word in this journal is some sort of 'Vesta' moment. If I could use my real name I would because every thought and idea flows out of this mind and flows very naturally at that.
Your desire to "live on your own terms" shines through in your writing and is not, in my view, at all in conflict with your need to be owned, controlled and objectified. Indeed those are precisely your terms, as I see it. The right to live as you choose and not to be judged unfairly for doing so. This attitude and the burning desire to be transformed is I believe your most outstanding and endearing quality and why readers such as I return time after time to drink in your view of the world.
ReplyDeleteIt is also this struggle for fulfillment that provides the drama behind your story; your delicate balancing act between your desire to be transformed and not taking the reins in getting there. I think if your dear Owner were always pushing you to the next level and always ahead of you in his plans for you, the story of your life played out here in words would not be quite so compelling a tale.
Do you still write as cindi somewhere, if not here? How is she?
RollyMo: I am smiling right now because you remind me of one of my tutors who told me to make sure that I keep my female character making mistakes and tripping herself up until the very end of the story. So, that character is me??!!LOL
ReplyDeleteIn many ways, I got where I wanted to go. There have been moments when I have felt such freedom in becoming nothing. I have to feel that I am being cared for and that I am safe, but so long as those features are in place, I feel like I am flying. If there were struggles along the way - and there were - I happily pay that price to achieve those euphoric states. And I recognize that I am not necessarily an easy person to Top. It is not a job for the fainthearted. So, there is going to be some push and pull.
How is cindi? She's leading a relatively quiet life at the moment but she's never far from the surface.She has her own blog and has written there for a few months. She has no readers at this time. I fear they would be too shocked at her lascivious thoughts.
LOL how very ladylike to fear that. I for one would enjoy being so shocked; I am cursed with such an open mind that I would welcome the novelty.
ReplyDelete;-)