First winter, then Spring

It is one of those days today when it will rain relentlessly all day. Hail is expected and the clouds are dreary grey/white. There are days like that when I can curl up inside my home and appreciate being there: light a fire, cook a meal and write.

This morning, I wrote poetry: not particularly good poems but I did share one with a friend. I find that when my emotions are whirling through me, demanding my attention, I have an impulse to write only a few words; to express the emotion in a little way, such as a short poem. I might be particularly happy or particularly sad and that emotion is best expressed in a few well chosen words. All the paragraphs in the world won't describe what I am feeling any better than a few dozen words.

The 'smallness' of the poem translates best how I feel: very small; very vulnerable; deeply submissive. In light of the recognition of my small life and my small role in life, I feel very exposed and as subject to today's winds as the camellias outside my window.

I think I always knew, even as a small child that I was not destined for 'greatness' or for a big life. It was always my destiny to be a helpmate; a wife, a mother, a nurturer; someone who loved fiercely. The 'bigness' of my life would be seen in the depth of my heart; the extent of my love for all the people in my life; my ability or inability to accept the role and place that I was meant to have.

There are days when one feels one's submissive nature keenly; when the lessons learned seep far into the skin and reach the soul. I must submit to the vagaries of life; never to be complacent; always to cherish this day; this hour; this conversation; this love. Who knows what tomorrow may bring?

It is a day of mixed blessings. I sit here all dressed up waiting to go to lunch with my husband to celebrate our 31st wedding anniversary. I know I am much loved and I certainly do love in return. In spite of the difficulties this year has brought to our door, our bond is tight; our passion and love for one another remarkable, we are told, for people our age married for such a length of time.

It is also a day of loss; of recognizing that all things come to an end. Friends come and go. Friends die. Life marches on whether we are here or not. But, energy always flows while we draw breath and the soul remains forever. I feel the souls of men departed; men who loved me and still wrap their arms around me when they sense that I need them to return for a moment or two.

Life is rejuvenating. There will always be Spring. The petals on the flowers will open again. Hearts will heal. Life is good. Every day and all experience is precious in one way or another if only to remind us what we must protect and nourish and seek.

I do wonder if not having the energy myself to slay dragons, I like to be around those that do. It is the life force that I so appreciate; the impetus I am given by those with boundless energy to create my own. Thus, the energy bounces back and forth.  If I had my way, I might crawl into a ball for this day and just grieve. But, there is nothing surer than the fact that life goes on and that I shall live to see sunnier days. There must be winter before there can be Spring.