Yet, I have craved a situation where someone has the right to judge me – to direct me and order me; to discipline and punish me for even the most minor acts of disobedience. I have desired and made myself vulnerable to the sort of treatment that I could never inflict on another human being.
It embarrasses me to type that when I succeed in obeying completely I feel elevated and a success and when I don’t succeed in obeying completely I feel desolate and an abject failure – so despairing of my own disobedience that it can lead to a type of temporary paralysis and depression.
I recognize that life should be made up of a healthy dose of fun and there is much that is fun and arousing in submission. Surely we would not do it if there wasn’t some fun and arousal to be had.
Yet, the state of a submissive is that sometimes there is negative emotion to be dealt with – anger or at least frustration, upset, embarrassment and shame, along with accompanying feelings of regret and insecurity if we feel that we have not risen to expectations.
In fact, we accept punishment readily and even thankfully when a submissive such as me could never consider treating another human being in such a way.
I sometimes sit with myself and silently ask myself, “What are you doing?” Why am I tougher on myself than I could ever be on anyone else and why do I crave to be treated in such a way that will ultimately mean that I will judge myself so harshly – a “failed” submissive, potentially?
I have not the slightest clue but if you do, please don’t hesitate to enlighten me.
I wonder too. Best I can think of is that I am intensely drawn to someone who sees through me, so to speak. He knows me well enough to pick up on times I am out of sync, or limiting myself. I have plenty of people in my life who care about me, but they only know a part of me, the with-it me I have to be to the outside world. To Him, I show much more. I trust him to be real with me. For better or worse. And yes I do sometimes wonder what I'm doing . Til I have a rough day or wake up scared in the night, and know he is the one I can turn to. He might just say, "get a grip," but in those times it's all I need. He accepts and challenges me. The only one who knows how to do both. (usually)
ReplyDeleteI hope that made even a bit of sense.
K
Vesta,
ReplyDeleteI feel the same exact way, and no it doesn't really make sense. To crave something we would never inflict upon another. Nor is it normal for me to look at situations in a black or white way that is somewhat the structure of this dynamic.
But I think deep down there is a very good reason that we are wired this way, and that a lot can be learned from questioning just like this.
Love,
Serenity
K: You said that he "accepts and challenges" you. I think this is *exactly* what I want as well.
ReplyDeleteSerenity: My third child had this all worked out at a young age when he divided up teachers into two categories. Disciplinarians got short order with him but if a teacher demonstrated they cared and respected him, he gave them a lot more. 'Black and white' has its place in this lifestyle but as K said, the "acceptance" (and even the "challenge") has to be there as well.
I don't have a definitive answer. I continue to ponder...