Letting go

It was whilst we were having dinner with a medical couple, she being an expert in adolescent health that the subject of expressing emotion came up. She made the comment that those families that express the full range of emotions were most likely to produce happy, healthy and resilient children. That being the case, I told her I was comforted since we had a tendency not to hold back. I recall her telling a story after that where her oldest son and she were having words. “I hate you,” the son said to her. “I hate you, too” Doris shot back.  No holding back there!

We express all our emotions and we do it regularly. “I love you,” my youngest son says to me when he leaves the car for school, when we say goodnight, when he passes in the kitchen. He has a desire to tell me many times a day.

Frustration is released. “How many times do I have to tell you not to...” my husband might say to me or one of the children.

Pleasure and pride is freely expressed. “That was a great game.” “You look beautiful in that dress.” “We’re so proud of the way you focused on your study.” “That was a delicious meal.”

We are not afraid to express anger either nor do we always keep the tone of our voices down. If we are not happy with one another we will ultimately say so. We get it all out. 

This sort of behaviour goes against all other teachings. Cognitive behaviour therapy teaches you to express yourself in an assertive but respectful way and civility demands that people keep control of their emotions and themselves.

In our home, there are moments when we let that sort of restraint go. We just say it like it is, have a good old ‘dust up’ and let the chips fall where they may. It rarely takes more than a few minutes, sometimes a few hours, and occasionally a full day for people to return to the scene of the crime to express their regret that feelings were hurt and that they were out of line or being irrational.

We don’t hold a grudge. We all love one another to bits and we understand by now that our Scottish heritage demands that things sometimes have to be said and that emotions will run awry. We reaffirm the love, recognize the grievance and see what we can do to amend our ways and drive on in better shape. understanding where the other is coming from.

On many levels I love to be contained but there is a place for honest and emotional conversation; confrontation and even upset. If the love is strong it is nothing more than a healthy exchange of unresolved issues and conflict.

‘Emotion’ is not a dirty word. It can be healing, cleansing and just part of the mix of interacting with one another soul to soul and heart to heart. This is my experience.