Care, part 2

It is raining out there, so I thought I’d check in with you here.

There has been quite a lot of conversation going on this week, in my house, and on my computer screen, about the ‘struggle’ of the submissive woman. How necessary is it to struggle? How much is enough? When is it too much?

There appears to be consensus between dominant men that the girl should struggle. One lovely man I correspond with, who is so wise and wonderful, I think he should be bottled, replied to me,
“Of course a girl must struggle, and then succeed, and relish in the growth, and then struggle some more, and succeed, but it is a cyclical thing, and there cannot always be struggle.” Very nicely put, as always!

A dominant-submissive relationship, as it has been explained to me, has checks and balances. One such ‘check’ built into the relationship is that the girl should be ‘open’ with her master. She should give him feedback as to how she is feeling. In this way, he can adjust his demands accordingly. I see a potential problem with this, because the submissive woman is, after all, submissive. She knows that part of the deal is that she should struggle. So, at what point does she admit to her master, that the struggle does not feel at all right; that she is not coping? Is that not a sign of failure in her; that she cannot cope? Will she be fast to admit such a thing? I have known my husband all my adult life. No two people could be more close, and I can reveal to you that I waited too long to admit to him that I was not coping with certain matters. It is a real risk.

Regular feedback with a master is critical, including a preparedness to acknowledge that one is struggling to the point of despair, if that should happen. A submissive woman must learn to monitor herself. Is she confused or angry? Does she notice that her breathing is laboured, that her head aches or her shoulders are tight? Has she become ‘sensitive’ whereby she may react inappropriately to a comment? Perhaps her struggle has become toxic; unhealthy for her, at this point of time. Perhaps she is overwhelmed. Perhaps it is time to consider that a little holiday is more appropriate than pushing herself where her mind will not allow her to go.

I took a long time to accept and to express my submissive nature, for a variety of reasons, not least of which is that a man who cared for me deeply and to whom I gave my trust, warned me never to tell another man about my true self.

“There are men out there who will take advantage of you, Vesta. If they know, you are in danger. You must promise me you will not tell them.”

It took me many years to summon up the courage to break my promise to him, and some days, I can still hear his voice in my ear:

“You must never tell them...”

I have the great joy of being married to a man that understands me, loves me and cares for me. I have talked about care before and I rate it very highly. If you want to whip a girl, be 150% sure to get the message across to her, that you are whipping her because you care about her. For, if she has the vaguest notion, and I mean the slightest instinct that you are doing it, simply because you can, simply because it brings you pleasure, she may run for cover. Maybe she won’t run today, but she may one day. Care is so critical to my thinking in the submissive space. I cannot give my submission, at any level, if I am unsure about how much the dominant man cares. It is the other half of the submissive experience. On one side is the woman prepared to give her all; on the other, a dominant man, to protect her with all his strength.

My husband is stern with me sometimes, punishing with me sometimes and unrelenting with me sometimes; but always because he knows that it is the treatment I crave. He suggested to me just now that maybe I am one of those submissives that ‘top from the bottom’. And, maybe I am. I don’t want too much struggle. I don’t want to walk around with my chest full of anger. I want to walk around with my chest full of bubbles; energising bubbles that fill my heart with happiness and song, allowing me to give back to all that cross my path a sense of positive energy and peace. For me, there is a big difference.

I discussed this point with my lovely dominant correspondent, too, and with his permission I share his wisdom with you:

“The whole notion of topping from the bottom is a prickly pear, isn't it? It is a notion that can be used to keep a girl down, to minimize her objections, her perspective, her desires and opinions. If she is a "good slave" she will always do as instructed, never question; never appear to "top from the bottom" because she will offer absolute and total compliance. But, if the idea is to nurture and improve and develop her, then what is the point of exerting total control over her? Is the master so omnipotent that he knows absolutely everything that there is to know about her, for her, and on his own, can decide and develop her path? Every girl is different, and one size does not fit all. Yes?”

Oh yes, indeed, my friend. I agree. And, how true it is that one size does not fit all.

This girl will happily crawl across the floor, with a collar around her neck. I’ll sit on the floor by his feet, and do his bidding. And, it is all one big f**king turn on! But, for me, an essential component of the turn on is that he cares for me with all his heart. A submissive woman has to feel the care; to believe that the dominant man is working for her good; that he will leap to her defence if another might hurt her. If she feels, for one second, that she is on her own, then he has lost her. For, a submissive woman such as Vesta, who gives so very much of herself to another, who is prepared to struggle not just for herself, but for others, a sense of care is an essential ingredient for the struggle to have purpose.