I'm firmly convinced that our behaviors are largely driven by forces outside of our control. Things happen, or don't happen, early in life. Sub-consciously we process these words and events in such a way that we are driven to want certain outcomes.
Sometime later, along comes a girl or a boy, we fall in love, and they become a character in a play that has already been written. Modifications can be made to the script to allow for this extra character, even a main character such as this partner comes to be, but the essence of the script doesn't change. It's written, you see. The main ideas are there and they are the thrust of the play.
Complications ensue when this boy or girl has ideas of his or her own, as they invariably do. This boy or girl is also driven by forces that are ordained according to events that occurred before they met.
Major issues will ensue only if there are serious obstacles put in the path of the other in achieving their prescribed outcomes, that interfere with the integral and motivating ideas of the other character's script for their life. The drama in their lives will be profoundly magnified if one or the other interferes with the overall plan. Regardless of the depth of love felt, previous early experiences demand that they must have their way. Feelings of love often come second to this inner drive almost completely outside of their control.
There is plenty of relationship advice out there based on good research that tells us that it is important to communicate one's needs to the other. But, what if 'the other' doesn't hear, not because you weren't clear but because it interferes with their version of the way the play should unfold? What if the scripts can't be blended or amalgamated satisfactorily? What if key elements of your story must be left out to satisfy the other's version of how it must be?
I've long contemplated the difference of the words 'Top' and 'Dominant'. Whilst there is no dictionary type definition for either word, this early morning I thought of these words as perhaps the best way I could describe the thoughts in my head right now. Here goes.
In every relationship, in some way or in some context, there is one who leads or is stronger than the other. I'm not talking consensual power exchange here specifically. I'm talking life. One person tends to be more capable in/desiring of/inclined to/demanding leadership. Either the other person agrees to this dynamic or else there is some level of negotiation and/or conflict.
Some people have submissive personalities. They are less needing of the driver's seat and either allow, agree to or want the other to be the dominant partner. This doesn't mean that they don't have the same impulses as everybody else; that they are not working towards certain outcomes. It does mean that they are more likely than most to give up on those outcomes or give into the other's drive for certain outcomes. Not without some sadness, they strive to let go of their own ordained outcomes and to see the world through the eyes of the other, the Dominant.
Whilst this is a wild generalization, in my mind at this moment it is the "Dominant" that will allow this and the "Top" that wouldn't hear of it. I say this because the word "Top" implies to me that he/she is working towards achieving the other's prescribed outcomes as much as or even more than his or her own outcomes.
It sometimes seems to me that the dominant (man) is saying to the other, "Come with me. I know the way. Here's what to do. Just follow along after me because I know what's best for you." Whereas the Top is more likely to say, "I'm listening to you carefully. I'm intensely interested in hearing who you really are. I want you to achieve your goals and I'm here to ensure you do reach those goals. It might be pretty tough at times but I have your best interests at heart, sweetheart, so just be a good girl and do as you're told."
I know, in a way, that's not a fair depiction but what I am trying to say is that dominant people often assume far too much. They assume they know it all and that their way is best, but are they really meaning this - that their script is so ultra important to them that your script has to be shelved?
To this end, equality within the relationship is vital to a power exchange dynamic. We both come to the relationship with scripts that are terribly important to us, for whatever reasons, and it isn't going to be fair for one script to be virtually unchanged whilst the other script has red ink throughout it. Unless a dominant person is generous of spirit with the other's life script, he's not really 'topping' at all but rather demanding that his way is right.
Sometime later, along comes a girl or a boy, we fall in love, and they become a character in a play that has already been written. Modifications can be made to the script to allow for this extra character, even a main character such as this partner comes to be, but the essence of the script doesn't change. It's written, you see. The main ideas are there and they are the thrust of the play.
Complications ensue when this boy or girl has ideas of his or her own, as they invariably do. This boy or girl is also driven by forces that are ordained according to events that occurred before they met.
Major issues will ensue only if there are serious obstacles put in the path of the other in achieving their prescribed outcomes, that interfere with the integral and motivating ideas of the other character's script for their life. The drama in their lives will be profoundly magnified if one or the other interferes with the overall plan. Regardless of the depth of love felt, previous early experiences demand that they must have their way. Feelings of love often come second to this inner drive almost completely outside of their control.
There is plenty of relationship advice out there based on good research that tells us that it is important to communicate one's needs to the other. But, what if 'the other' doesn't hear, not because you weren't clear but because it interferes with their version of the way the play should unfold? What if the scripts can't be blended or amalgamated satisfactorily? What if key elements of your story must be left out to satisfy the other's version of how it must be?
I've long contemplated the difference of the words 'Top' and 'Dominant'. Whilst there is no dictionary type definition for either word, this early morning I thought of these words as perhaps the best way I could describe the thoughts in my head right now. Here goes.
In every relationship, in some way or in some context, there is one who leads or is stronger than the other. I'm not talking consensual power exchange here specifically. I'm talking life. One person tends to be more capable in/desiring of/inclined to/demanding leadership. Either the other person agrees to this dynamic or else there is some level of negotiation and/or conflict.
Some people have submissive personalities. They are less needing of the driver's seat and either allow, agree to or want the other to be the dominant partner. This doesn't mean that they don't have the same impulses as everybody else; that they are not working towards certain outcomes. It does mean that they are more likely than most to give up on those outcomes or give into the other's drive for certain outcomes. Not without some sadness, they strive to let go of their own ordained outcomes and to see the world through the eyes of the other, the Dominant.
Whilst this is a wild generalization, in my mind at this moment it is the "Dominant" that will allow this and the "Top" that wouldn't hear of it. I say this because the word "Top" implies to me that he/she is working towards achieving the other's prescribed outcomes as much as or even more than his or her own outcomes.
It sometimes seems to me that the dominant (man) is saying to the other, "Come with me. I know the way. Here's what to do. Just follow along after me because I know what's best for you." Whereas the Top is more likely to say, "I'm listening to you carefully. I'm intensely interested in hearing who you really are. I want you to achieve your goals and I'm here to ensure you do reach those goals. It might be pretty tough at times but I have your best interests at heart, sweetheart, so just be a good girl and do as you're told."
I know, in a way, that's not a fair depiction but what I am trying to say is that dominant people often assume far too much. They assume they know it all and that their way is best, but are they really meaning this - that their script is so ultra important to them that your script has to be shelved?
To this end, equality within the relationship is vital to a power exchange dynamic. We both come to the relationship with scripts that are terribly important to us, for whatever reasons, and it isn't going to be fair for one script to be virtually unchanged whilst the other script has red ink throughout it. Unless a dominant person is generous of spirit with the other's life script, he's not really 'topping' at all but rather demanding that his way is right.
Interesting. We share some points of view. I also believe that dominant people have this burden to carry, like a proverbial cross.
ReplyDeleteHowever, it is them (or us), the dominants who grabbed this burden and forced themselves to deal with it. But - they enjoy it. They enjoy knowing what is the best for all, them and their subs.
It's also possible that both people in the relationship have the same goal, but the dominant is less flexible about how that goal is reached, and the submissive is more aware that various routes can lead to the same destination.
ReplyDeleteA perfect example of this happened to me at work yesterday when a very dominant personality, not my superior, has been there half as long as I have, ordering me around, telling me I should do B and C before A, even though the order doesn't matter at all. I was just thinking of blogging about this experience. You have inspired me to do it!:)
I disagree that behaviors are driven by forces beyond our control. Our desires, or those things that bring us pleasure, may crystallize at an early age and become immutable truths within us but behaviors, being the way we act upon those desires, are entirely within our control, indeed we exercise such control in our every day lives as a matter of course. Societal norms expect nothing less. We look at the little boy convulsed in a fit of rage while his loving parents attempt to reason with him and we think to ourselves "someday he will learn to control his behavior". These things can and do change as we travel through life; it would be terribly dull and/or frustrating otherwise.
ReplyDeleteI believe that it is innate in all human beings to care for each other and that, when we allow ourselves to put the needs of others before our own, we open ourselves to a form of joy that is boundless - the joy of giving. However I do agree that, if the desires of two people are in conflict to such a degree that one or other feels undervalued or stifled, then it may be time for some recalibration of the script. There is only so much giving we can do in an environment that does not sustain us.
If one or other partners in a relationship assumes the role of decision maker then that must be seen as a responsibility rather than a right. It is incumbent on the decision maker to ensure that the needs and desires of those for whom he cares are equally as important as his own. In my view this is not a delineation between Top and Dominant but a simple expression of what it is to be human.
I agree. If a person keeps giving and nothing is given in return the person will starve. Very literally if what is given and not received is anything necessary for sustenance. As for other things, what is given and received don't need to be the same thing. There are things I give Master that he doesn't give me. But he gives me other things. For me it balances out and creates an enjoyable worthwhile and balanced relationship, even though some of the things he won't give me could be deal breakers for someone else.
DeleteAlso, your last paragraph too, there's no reason to believe that just because someone has a dominant personality that they know more or know better what is best for all parties involved. Neither information nor wisdom are limited to dominant personalities.
David F: I think what I sometimes forget is that we are who we are. So, just as I have my desires and drives for submission, the dominant person has their drives for control and having things done their way and to their satisfaction - taking control not just of themselves but other people and the situation at large. I sometimes make the mistake of thinking that if I can just explain how I feel well enough I can convince someone, say my husband, of how he might do something differently. But, then I finally realize, he CAN'T do anything differently at all. He can only do them HIS way. All my efforts at persuasion are close to a waste of time. It's good that you enjoy what you do and it makes complete sense. We are motivated to do what we enjoy to do.
ReplyDeleteTicklish: Excellent point. I think the dominant person allows less flexibility in the system. And, that's my husband and me, for sure. I suggest things but if they are not the way he wants to do it, I get absolutely nowhere. Would love to read your further ideas about the work experience. I remember my husband talking to a superior in a similar way when he was a newcomer by comparison. I remember wondering why he felt he could do that but it was a most unique situation; more of a roundtable style of organization than one with a strict line of power from top to bottom. He was full of ideas and they utilized many of them, making lots of money in the process.
Here's a good example about the dominant being less flexible. Once upon a time Master told me I should keep the buns in my refrigerator so they don't go green, and I told him I eat them quickly enough that they never go green, and aside from that, they get stiff when kept in there. His response was, but you should keep them in the refigerator so they don't go green.
DeleteHe truly believes everything should be done his way, and that his way is the correct way, and any other way is wrong.
On the other hand, I'm perfectly fine with Master keeping his buns in the refrigerator even though it makes them stiff. And if I were ever at Master's home, and he served me stiff buns, I wouldn't point out to him that they were stiff because he keeps them in the refrigerator.
Rollymo: That's the ideal situation, isnt it, that we are both empathic of the other and giving to the other. I'm thinking right now of a documentary I saw last night about the Waterhouses - a very well known Australian booking, gambling and race horse training family. When Robbie was banned from all racecourses in Australia he was at home with Gai and she simply couldn't cope. Apparently, he said to her "This is me. This is who I am. You either accept it or we separate." And she said to the interviewer that he was absolutely right; that she had to accept the situation. Well, she's gone on to win the Derby and the Melbourne Cup and her family are still united (not the Waterhouses as a whole). She's very strong.
ReplyDeleteI don't have all my needs met and I've made those needs very clear (it's not that hard what I want, just for the property to be restored to good functioning order and for dominance sexually on a regular basis) but my husband is who he is. It's not that there isn't enough love. It's something else that I don't really understand. I am not sure that we are all capable of putting the others needs before our own. It just doesn't work like that, though it is a noble thought.
Tikklish: It is apt that you say that a person might "starve". I have often referred to needing to be fed just as I refer to feeding the other. We're made up of different elements to our personalities and ideally we are able to express all of the most important elements of what goes together to make us the unique individuals that we are. Your example is apt. I am more than willing to accept that the other person is not 'right' about an issue - buns in the fridge. So many issues don't matter enough to me to worry about it, and as you say, dominant personality types do so often believe that they are right about nearly everything. So be it. Being 'right' isn't all that important to me. It never was.
ReplyDeleteI didn't grow up in a house. I lived upstairs of a commercial enterprise and the first house I lived in was with my husband. It was apparent from the outset that there was an issue because from the getgo I wanted desperately to beautify my living space and have it in good working order. He grew up on a farm where the house was of little importance and tradesmen were mud. Also, my husband has perfectionist tendencies so unless all things are clear in his mind about the matter being 'perfect' to him, he does nothing or else starts something but does not finish it. My mother and her sister see my very real distress at living this way, having wanted for years and years to address the outside living space and make it habitable for family and friends. My mother even gave me a considerable sum towards the goal but it has made no difference so far. Now, my husband loves me a great deal. I don't doubt it. Yet, he cannot address my needs. And, they are not just wants. They are needs. I don't need fancy but I do need functioning space. He can't or won't see how important this is to me (and it is an issue that has gone on for many, many years) whereas it is as plain as day to other people who understand me that this is a deeply painful thing to me. He insists on being the decider but he won't decide to do what I need. I've looked up material pertaining to all this and I continue to massage the situation as best I can, but there is no real solution to the problem except for me to give up on my needs and wants which is something I have tried to do without much success. The ugly space is there, and I look out onto it every day of my life so it is hard to forget about the problem for too long.
A few days ago, in a conversation with a friend, I said that often I feel that my life is a novel or a play, and I am an observer. That some drama is being played out.
ReplyDeleteThought provoking post, as usual. Thank you.
Susan aka July Girl
Susan: I wonder if we feel that when we have a sense that we don't have control over our lives or perhaps that we are moving towards something and we don't know what...so, a sense that we are in the middle of a play or a novel and we have no idea how the story will end. Sometimes, I can be a bit 'blue' and then something happens, something I didn't expect and I think to myself how life is so wonderful because we don't know what is around the next corner. I often wish that people would understand before they suicide that the very next morning the sun may shine bright. We may see the world through a completely different lens. It pays to understand that this moment leads to the next moment - perhaps an infinitely better moment. And, that's the movement of the play or a novel. One moment simply leads to the next, hopefully moments of understanding and transition; transformation.
ReplyDelete