Agreement

 The man I listen to from NYC, Om, made the simplest and yet the most important of points in one of his podcasts. If interested, you can find him on 'Om Rupani Podcast' and I listen on Spotify. 

He explained that couples who have been married for a considerable time will come to him because the marriage isn't currently in great shape, and they would like to try relating to one another with polarity; that is recognizing their differences. (D/s)

The problem Om sees often is that they want to try polarity, but they haven't been in agreement with one another for years, and it's the agreement component that first needs to be sorted.

I agree. If there is not agreement on important matters, it's going to be very hard to build a stable and fulfilling polarity (or D/s dynamic) on that weak structure.

In my marriage, disagreement began to surface many years ago. We had been in wonderful agreement about so very much, until differences in our investment style began to bite.

I had been reasonably comfortable with him assuming full responsibility for the finances, although I was always a more conservative investor than him, until the percentages of what was put into high risk made me exceptionally fearful.

I cannot speak for him, but I know my fears did not play into his decision making. He called the shots as he saw them, and I felt that my shared thoughts were being cast aside. I know this because he would say to me that I didn't understand the world of investment, share trading and so on. 

It caused a lot of friction because although money is only a means to an end, as he likes to say, money does dictate choices as well as a sense of safety. It can't save you from lots of things, but without high risk at one's heels, it's far more possible to relax and let go, knowing you don't have to worry about some financial disaster befalling you.

It's my sense of safety that I value. I think I got that from my mother and father who, admittedly, were cash-oriented people, because my brother is like me. We take care of our mother's portfolio and when interest rates went up last year, I suggested we avail ourselves of the new environment and put the cash into terms of deposit. We were both excited to think that whilst we slept, money was being made. It's just our conservative minds. As my brother likes to say he will never be mega rich, but nor will he be a pauper.

So, that's where my husband and I are not in sync. He's far more comfortable with risk.

I read somewhere that there are one or two matters over which most couples will always be in disagreement. I think this is our disagreement, our only disagreement. It's a big one though because when things don't go his way, it can affect us for years, lead to other difficulties; have long lasting repercussions.

Yet, this is the way it is and maybe the way it was always going to be. People who reflect on the state of the world sometimes make the point that from an evolutionary perspective where we are is where we were always going to be, and maybe that's the way it is in my marriage too. It was always going to be thus.

What to do about it? So, over time I created some boundaries. These days, I need to know what I am signing. 

I adjust the story too so that my sense of safety is not so compromised. Sure, the cash isn't there, but the assets are. It's all fine really. If push comes to shove, there's a way to correct the situation. As my risk analysis son says to me, 'You have choices, Mum, most people don't have choices.' Very true. 

So, I retell myself the story, accept what must be done in the short term; have faith; allow my nervous system to settle.

I wouldn't exactly say that I have come to agreement over this matter, but nor am I in disagreement. I am on board, moving as one.

And so, the D/s has a firm foundation on which to rest. Our style and sense of what it means to be financially stable is very different, but it doesn't mean we aren't okay. 

To put it another way, how much pain do you want to feel before you just let it go and relax?