Years ago, I shared some correspondence with a genuine but odd sort of person with a strong understanding of what made submissive women tick. He trained them, not just on the Internet but at his home and for other men sometimes. He was blunt and in any body's terms, rude, but I continued to correspond to gather what wisdom he might have to help me understand myself.
He spoke of 'service'. It was a pattern I identified, and I asked why he often talked of 'serving'. I'd been providing service to others all my life, and it wasn't necessarily getting me closer to feeling whatever I needed to feel to be comfortable in my own skin. He was obtuse, or he pretended he was obtuse, and he said he didn't know.
It's come up again in various capacities over time. I will read something, or someone will say something in conversation like, "You need to serve". It's almost as if there is some innate understanding in some people that some women truly do need to be in that serving/slave mode in order to fully express themselves; in order to feel at peace within their own minds and bodies.
When I look back over the past several years and I think about the times when I did feel complete I was, in fact, 'serving'. There was something asked of me and thus I had an opportunity to serve. If I served well and gave pleasure, and thus received praise, I was perfectly content. If I didn't serve well and didn't please and instead was admonished, I felt aberrant. It prompted me to want to serve better next time because I hate displeasing. I hate the feelings it generates in me. Think of it like this for a moment: Providing good service = a happy and content submissive.
There are two points I'd like to make about that. First of all, if you don't provide a submissive woman with those opportunities to serve it's almost tantamount to not feeding a baby. You are robbing her of one of her basic necessities of life. Oh, she'll cook or do the laundry or buy you a shirt in lieu of the more intense and life-giving service she needs to give to you, but it will never be enough to scratch her itch. It is this wisdom that my gentleman correspondent knew in his bones but refused to put into sentences for me.
Secondly, if a submissive woman is frantic for particular feelings, that feeling of having served well, thus putting her world on the right axis, she may well do just about anything you ask. It's typical for a submissive woman at some stage to be asked by a Dominant what she wants. She can speak to her fantasy life, of course, but that doesn't necessarily get you closer to what she wants in real life. You could have her fill in a list of various BDSM activities and that would gauge her experience and her inclinations. But, given that the sub-text is 'Geez, I just want to serve you. I want that feeling that comes when I do that and after I do that and you're pleased with me and we're in harmony...' it is altogether possible that you can lead a submissive woman down roads and lanes that she would never have thought to go.
A Dominant has a great deal of responsibility because there is just no doubt that a submissive woman is vulnerable to his state of mind. She is constantly checking in as to his responses. Does he want her to do something that makes her skin crawl? Well, what are her options? She could say she can't do that, or doesn't want to do that, or that it doesn't feel right, but she's risking making him unhappy and thus herself unhappy, and so she adapts to his needs and fancy, whether they are particularly healthy for her or not. This is the risk.
In an ideal relationship, there will be a flow of communication between both people that means they are in tune with one another and these sort of issues can be addressed before they become big boulders of misunderstanding. I've heard so much about 'communication is key' but not having been in a relationship with a steady flow of shared ideas and thoughts I haven't entirely understood how that works. I've never been that exposed. It hasn't been wanted.
Now that I do understand that my innate drive is to serve I realize how easily I could be, or have been, seduced to believe anything. For some time, I fell back on my own wits, my own instincts to keep me safe. I reached a point where I doubted my ability to make a decision for myself too. I just crawled back to a safe place inside myself where nobody could hurt me any more. I am happy to say that I feel stronger now, at peace with my own nature. I understand what I need. I understand myself and what happened in the journey thus far.
He spoke of 'service'. It was a pattern I identified, and I asked why he often talked of 'serving'. I'd been providing service to others all my life, and it wasn't necessarily getting me closer to feeling whatever I needed to feel to be comfortable in my own skin. He was obtuse, or he pretended he was obtuse, and he said he didn't know.
It's come up again in various capacities over time. I will read something, or someone will say something in conversation like, "You need to serve". It's almost as if there is some innate understanding in some people that some women truly do need to be in that serving/slave mode in order to fully express themselves; in order to feel at peace within their own minds and bodies.
When I look back over the past several years and I think about the times when I did feel complete I was, in fact, 'serving'. There was something asked of me and thus I had an opportunity to serve. If I served well and gave pleasure, and thus received praise, I was perfectly content. If I didn't serve well and didn't please and instead was admonished, I felt aberrant. It prompted me to want to serve better next time because I hate displeasing. I hate the feelings it generates in me. Think of it like this for a moment: Providing good service = a happy and content submissive.
There are two points I'd like to make about that. First of all, if you don't provide a submissive woman with those opportunities to serve it's almost tantamount to not feeding a baby. You are robbing her of one of her basic necessities of life. Oh, she'll cook or do the laundry or buy you a shirt in lieu of the more intense and life-giving service she needs to give to you, but it will never be enough to scratch her itch. It is this wisdom that my gentleman correspondent knew in his bones but refused to put into sentences for me.
Secondly, if a submissive woman is frantic for particular feelings, that feeling of having served well, thus putting her world on the right axis, she may well do just about anything you ask. It's typical for a submissive woman at some stage to be asked by a Dominant what she wants. She can speak to her fantasy life, of course, but that doesn't necessarily get you closer to what she wants in real life. You could have her fill in a list of various BDSM activities and that would gauge her experience and her inclinations. But, given that the sub-text is 'Geez, I just want to serve you. I want that feeling that comes when I do that and after I do that and you're pleased with me and we're in harmony...' it is altogether possible that you can lead a submissive woman down roads and lanes that she would never have thought to go.
A Dominant has a great deal of responsibility because there is just no doubt that a submissive woman is vulnerable to his state of mind. She is constantly checking in as to his responses. Does he want her to do something that makes her skin crawl? Well, what are her options? She could say she can't do that, or doesn't want to do that, or that it doesn't feel right, but she's risking making him unhappy and thus herself unhappy, and so she adapts to his needs and fancy, whether they are particularly healthy for her or not. This is the risk.
In an ideal relationship, there will be a flow of communication between both people that means they are in tune with one another and these sort of issues can be addressed before they become big boulders of misunderstanding. I've heard so much about 'communication is key' but not having been in a relationship with a steady flow of shared ideas and thoughts I haven't entirely understood how that works. I've never been that exposed. It hasn't been wanted.
Now that I do understand that my innate drive is to serve I realize how easily I could be, or have been, seduced to believe anything. For some time, I fell back on my own wits, my own instincts to keep me safe. I reached a point where I doubted my ability to make a decision for myself too. I just crawled back to a safe place inside myself where nobody could hurt me any more. I am happy to say that I feel stronger now, at peace with my own nature. I understand what I need. I understand myself and what happened in the journey thus far.
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