It is not often that I write in a particular state but since I am sitting at my desk in that particular state, I'll document my thoughts. I'm aware of the big pluggi stretching me out. It's not really possible to focus on anything else. When I squeeze my muscles around the plug, or when they involuntarily squeeze themselves, as they regularly do, I'm aware of the plug controlling me.
A large anal plug is challenging and the mind wrestles with itself. One could go and take it out and experience a degree of comfort and relief but is that what I really want? I've been here before, of course. Each size plug, from the smallest I've worn to the very large one I am wearing as I type these words has been a challenge. Each time, I have needed to wrestle with my mind and my resolve. I've had to learn to accept that I don't (if I am to be true to my desires and my natural state of living) have a choice; that I am controlled and that I crave that control and very much want it.
I've had times with no plug; times with no control and I can say, without a shadow of a doubt, that I am less than half of what I am capable of being with considerable control over me; when the choices are taken away; when I experience the sense of dominance and acquiesce to it.. I am more sexually inclined, more content with life and more at peace with my life when I experience a very deliberate and quite intense control.
Control comes in various forms. I've experienced anal training of course and I've experienced the giving of regular pain; sometimes for discipline in order to correct, but much more often because it has seemed I'd do well to receive it.. I rally to either form of physical control over me and I rally even more when I have both forms of control. I'm not adverse, however, to more subtle forms of control. I prefer to narrow my choices of wardrobe, for example. I prefer less to more.
The intellectual side of my brain may attempt to take control because that is what the intellectual side of my brain is designed to do. Do I want to win? Oh, that would be a diabolical result. No side of my brain would be at all happy with that outcome. I've experienced that and believe me, it's a Pyrrhic victory. Me without a sense of control is a sad thing. I'm here, but just. I just don't feel at all right. I've had plenty of time to think about this and I assure you it's not a desired goal for this woman.
The thing about the doll state is that even though there is minor resistance when presented with a new challenge, dolls understand they are dolls. There is no sense of jealousy that they're not girls with clever thinking brains. Dolls actually understand that being a girl isn't a life that is going to work for them. They've seen the holy grail and why would they drink from any other cup when the one they have is filled with the elixir of life?
(Of course, sometimes I need to think, but time is allowed for thinking and doing. There is no harm done; in fact a lot of good to come out of allowing me to think intellectually, but for limited times and in limited ways. The more time as doll the more doll is present throughout the day, at any time of the day.)
I haven't the tiniest clue what made me this way. All I can say is that it makes me extraordinary happy to have the opportunity to feel this completely certain that this is how it was always meant to be.
A large anal plug is challenging and the mind wrestles with itself. One could go and take it out and experience a degree of comfort and relief but is that what I really want? I've been here before, of course. Each size plug, from the smallest I've worn to the very large one I am wearing as I type these words has been a challenge. Each time, I have needed to wrestle with my mind and my resolve. I've had to learn to accept that I don't (if I am to be true to my desires and my natural state of living) have a choice; that I am controlled and that I crave that control and very much want it.
I've had times with no plug; times with no control and I can say, without a shadow of a doubt, that I am less than half of what I am capable of being with considerable control over me; when the choices are taken away; when I experience the sense of dominance and acquiesce to it.. I am more sexually inclined, more content with life and more at peace with my life when I experience a very deliberate and quite intense control.
Control comes in various forms. I've experienced anal training of course and I've experienced the giving of regular pain; sometimes for discipline in order to correct, but much more often because it has seemed I'd do well to receive it.. I rally to either form of physical control over me and I rally even more when I have both forms of control. I'm not adverse, however, to more subtle forms of control. I prefer to narrow my choices of wardrobe, for example. I prefer less to more.
The intellectual side of my brain may attempt to take control because that is what the intellectual side of my brain is designed to do. Do I want to win? Oh, that would be a diabolical result. No side of my brain would be at all happy with that outcome. I've experienced that and believe me, it's a Pyrrhic victory. Me without a sense of control is a sad thing. I'm here, but just. I just don't feel at all right. I've had plenty of time to think about this and I assure you it's not a desired goal for this woman.
The thing about the doll state is that even though there is minor resistance when presented with a new challenge, dolls understand they are dolls. There is no sense of jealousy that they're not girls with clever thinking brains. Dolls actually understand that being a girl isn't a life that is going to work for them. They've seen the holy grail and why would they drink from any other cup when the one they have is filled with the elixir of life?
(Of course, sometimes I need to think, but time is allowed for thinking and doing. There is no harm done; in fact a lot of good to come out of allowing me to think intellectually, but for limited times and in limited ways. The more time as doll the more doll is present throughout the day, at any time of the day.)
I haven't the tiniest clue what made me this way. All I can say is that it makes me extraordinary happy to have the opportunity to feel this completely certain that this is how it was always meant to be.
I think it's only helpful to understand what makes us a certain way if we wish to change it. Especially for those of us who tend to be introspective or deep thinkers, it is a relief not to have to do that and just enjoy being.
ReplyDeleteSusan
Susan: I've certainly made many attempts to try to change, based on the premise that it might be better for my life overall if I did; if I buried the need to submit to a dominant force. I've learned that it's an important part of my make-up and that without that in my life I cannot enjoy being nearly so well.
ReplyDeleteTo Susan's comment: I think it is also important to understand what makes us a certain way if we wish others to understand it. In my marriage such analysis has led to a much deeper and stronger connection between us, though I would agree there are times when it is better to put that aside and just enjoy the dance.
ReplyDeleterollymo: Yes, there's a valid argument, I think, for looking at it both ways. Recognizing my instinctive desire for dominance has helped me to understand myself. Of course, now that I understand it and embrace it, when it's not there, it's particularly lonely. That's the down side of that analysis for me.
ReplyDelete