Since my research of BDSM encompassed all sorts of philosophies and mindsets it took me quite a while to figure out where I fit. I was particularly unsure about the differences between 'submissives' and 'slaves' and I'd read the definitions over and over trying to get it straight as to what or who I was. However, I don't think my mind ever really strayed from the notion that I definitely wanted more than to be submissive in a sexual way; only in the bedroom, so to speak. I'd read that category and feel immediately that this was not going to be enough for me.Within the training and the acceptance of all things 'doll' I found what I had been looking for; the philosophy of living out my life that made sense for me.
Instinctively, I understood that I wanted to be 'owned'. I honestly don't recall any degree of resistance or negative reaction to that word at all. I may have forgotten it if I did. When I agreed to be 'trained' I had a bit of 'hair trigger' anger going on and I do distinctly remember being darn mad about the comment that I needed to be tethered when I was angry. I remember saying that a person who was angry needed to vent and he responded that he agreed; that an angry woman should vent all she wished but that for her safety she needed to be tethered whilst doing so. I could feel the bile rising when I read that. Speaking of barking dogs needing to be tethered for their safety (an analogy he used) I wanted to tell him to get 'dog knotted'. Instead, I said that I needed to go. Even at the beginning of training I was aware on one level that it wouldn't pay to let my anger get too out of hand with him.
Over time, I learned that I needed to do much more than not express my anger in inappropriate ways. I needed to walk the tightrope of being honest and open at the same time as I kept a hold of my anger. I came to appreciate that there is a marvelous sense of satisfaction for a man in seeing that a woman is trapped. She understands that it is her duty and her place to accept and obey commands. Even though she may be reveling in her capture, in spite of some discomfort potentially, she has mixed emotions about the fact that the man is radiating in her mixed state of mind. How much fun to have control of a doll, so perverted that she revels in her own demise; that she knows full well that displaying a peak of anger will result in correction she does not want! What a devilishly dirty trick to say things to the doll that she knows she must not respond to, if she has a healthy respect for her fate.
"Wuts da dolli goin 2 do bowt it?" is the sort of question that she might be asked; caught, captured, bound. There's a little bit of resistance going on here but the game is enticing; intoxicating for her too. You must trust me on this. It's the sort of moment that dolls live for. Oh, I think I've digressed.
I can't speak for younger women but I think that older women, born in a different culture to the one today in so many ways, understand that marriage was for a reason. A woman, back then anyway, instinctively understood the benefits of ownership and it wasn't a particularly negative term in her mind. If you were his wife, then he was your husband, you see. Of course, generalizations are useless but with less equality back then, this was one area where there seemed to be mutual benefit. If I look after him, then he'll look after me. How that notion looked to each couple I cannot say but in my mind was the understanding that marriage was something that I wanted. So, being 'owned' wasn't a stretch for me. I wanted to feel owned and I wanted to serve.
The creation of the 'fucktoy' takes us much further in philosophy; much, much deeper, but not necessarily problematically. First, there must be the understanding that one's body belongs to the owner; that the holes are for his use. If the training is done well, the object realizes that although it is about the owner's happiness, use is what the doll wants; needs; requires. The whole idea is to entice the owner to use her; to keep her well oiled and serviced. There was nothing about this idea I didn't like. The new terminology - pussycunt, asscunt and mouthcunt - turned me on. I loved (and love) to use those words. I love to be used; to sink down in my mind to a place that arouses my body and provides great pleasure for us both.
The idea of permanent changes to the body really excited me although I went slow, reticent about how my owner would feel about this sort of thing, probably needlessly. Somehow or other I never managed to get 'owner tags' (nipple rings) but I intend to. Removal of some pubic hair, long fingernails, anal training, longer hair - all these changes turned me on. I love to feel like a fucktoy and to think like a fucktoy.
So, to return to my opening remarks, feeling like a fuck toy (or doll) 24/7 is really my goal. Most importantly, I don't want difficult times, times of academic pressure and long work hours to interfere with this mindset. I want to hold onto the doll state of mind no matter what is happening in my life.
Whatever rules I live by I live by for this reason - to have one all consuming and all abiding philosophy with which to live my life - that I am owned, that I must do that which entices my owner; that I must obey commands and live according to my nature. It is not for everyone but it absolutely turns me on. Living with a turned on, happy and peaceful woman, it turns out, is exactly the all consuming philosophy that suits my 'owner' as well.
On a day to day level, it is resisting the impetus to put all my focus into my work and family during peak times of activity that is the goal I have yet to master. Accepting with all my heart and mind that I do best in the doll state, even when tackling difficult tasks or coping with time limits and deadlines as well as the demands of family life is my Achilles heel, sometimes. Being a doll is not something that you pick up and put down as life alters but rather a state of mind (and body) that one lives with 24/7. Some concessions can be made (asked for, at least) according to the needs of the doll but removing oneself from the dolly state of mind altogether for periods of time is a slippery slope and one that leads to grazed knees. I know this but at times I still do falter. But, I'm getting there...inching closer to an ideal state, thank goodness.
Instinctively, I understood that I wanted to be 'owned'. I honestly don't recall any degree of resistance or negative reaction to that word at all. I may have forgotten it if I did. When I agreed to be 'trained' I had a bit of 'hair trigger' anger going on and I do distinctly remember being darn mad about the comment that I needed to be tethered when I was angry. I remember saying that a person who was angry needed to vent and he responded that he agreed; that an angry woman should vent all she wished but that for her safety she needed to be tethered whilst doing so. I could feel the bile rising when I read that. Speaking of barking dogs needing to be tethered for their safety (an analogy he used) I wanted to tell him to get 'dog knotted'. Instead, I said that I needed to go. Even at the beginning of training I was aware on one level that it wouldn't pay to let my anger get too out of hand with him.
Over time, I learned that I needed to do much more than not express my anger in inappropriate ways. I needed to walk the tightrope of being honest and open at the same time as I kept a hold of my anger. I came to appreciate that there is a marvelous sense of satisfaction for a man in seeing that a woman is trapped. She understands that it is her duty and her place to accept and obey commands. Even though she may be reveling in her capture, in spite of some discomfort potentially, she has mixed emotions about the fact that the man is radiating in her mixed state of mind. How much fun to have control of a doll, so perverted that she revels in her own demise; that she knows full well that displaying a peak of anger will result in correction she does not want! What a devilishly dirty trick to say things to the doll that she knows she must not respond to, if she has a healthy respect for her fate.
"Wuts da dolli goin 2 do bowt it?" is the sort of question that she might be asked; caught, captured, bound. There's a little bit of resistance going on here but the game is enticing; intoxicating for her too. You must trust me on this. It's the sort of moment that dolls live for. Oh, I think I've digressed.
I can't speak for younger women but I think that older women, born in a different culture to the one today in so many ways, understand that marriage was for a reason. A woman, back then anyway, instinctively understood the benefits of ownership and it wasn't a particularly negative term in her mind. If you were his wife, then he was your husband, you see. Of course, generalizations are useless but with less equality back then, this was one area where there seemed to be mutual benefit. If I look after him, then he'll look after me. How that notion looked to each couple I cannot say but in my mind was the understanding that marriage was something that I wanted. So, being 'owned' wasn't a stretch for me. I wanted to feel owned and I wanted to serve.
The creation of the 'fucktoy' takes us much further in philosophy; much, much deeper, but not necessarily problematically. First, there must be the understanding that one's body belongs to the owner; that the holes are for his use. If the training is done well, the object realizes that although it is about the owner's happiness, use is what the doll wants; needs; requires. The whole idea is to entice the owner to use her; to keep her well oiled and serviced. There was nothing about this idea I didn't like. The new terminology - pussycunt, asscunt and mouthcunt - turned me on. I loved (and love) to use those words. I love to be used; to sink down in my mind to a place that arouses my body and provides great pleasure for us both.
The idea of permanent changes to the body really excited me although I went slow, reticent about how my owner would feel about this sort of thing, probably needlessly. Somehow or other I never managed to get 'owner tags' (nipple rings) but I intend to. Removal of some pubic hair, long fingernails, anal training, longer hair - all these changes turned me on. I love to feel like a fucktoy and to think like a fucktoy.
So, to return to my opening remarks, feeling like a fuck toy (or doll) 24/7 is really my goal. Most importantly, I don't want difficult times, times of academic pressure and long work hours to interfere with this mindset. I want to hold onto the doll state of mind no matter what is happening in my life.
Whatever rules I live by I live by for this reason - to have one all consuming and all abiding philosophy with which to live my life - that I am owned, that I must do that which entices my owner; that I must obey commands and live according to my nature. It is not for everyone but it absolutely turns me on. Living with a turned on, happy and peaceful woman, it turns out, is exactly the all consuming philosophy that suits my 'owner' as well.
On a day to day level, it is resisting the impetus to put all my focus into my work and family during peak times of activity that is the goal I have yet to master. Accepting with all my heart and mind that I do best in the doll state, even when tackling difficult tasks or coping with time limits and deadlines as well as the demands of family life is my Achilles heel, sometimes. Being a doll is not something that you pick up and put down as life alters but rather a state of mind (and body) that one lives with 24/7. Some concessions can be made (asked for, at least) according to the needs of the doll but removing oneself from the dolly state of mind altogether for periods of time is a slippery slope and one that leads to grazed knees. I know this but at times I still do falter. But, I'm getting there...inching closer to an ideal state, thank goodness.
Such an insightful and articulate post. If there was ever any doubt that you are capable of reaching your goal I think you have just quashed it. The question is no longer if you can achieve your perfect state of being but how soon. I would imagine the journey is never ending in a way but there are probably some tangible measures by which you can track your achievements in this regard. One wonders of course when one finds enlightenment such as this, what could I have achieved had I started on this journey earlier. A bit like the retort from the wily farmer when asked for directions: "if I were going where you want to go, I wouldn't be starting from here" we draw on our experiences of life around us to find our compass and it is often only apparent in our latter years who we really are. One thing that counts in our favour, the world expects us to get a little deranged with age. So don't hold back now you know where to go. Go crazy and live the dolli dream, be the THING you are meant to be, in as many ways as you can imagine. You get out of life what you put in.
ReplyDeleterollymo: I really appreciate the support and the understanding of where I am coming from.
ReplyDeleteIt did make me smile when you said "the world expects us to get a little deranged with age". My mother once walked into someone's garden and helped herself to a sampling of a plant. I said, "Mum, you can't do that!" and she said, "When you're old you can get away with anything" and that's so true really. I play on my eccentricity at times and it often pays dividends. And, one also tends to think as one ages, "I don't give a rat's ass what other people think" more and more. I agree it is a pity to take so long to get to this point but you can take your opportunities as they come to you. I still consider myself very fortunate to have had the opportunities I have had. Without some downs, the ups wouldn't be nearly so wonderful. Kind regards to you.
In some ways, I am a "late bloomer" and I can get impatient. But maybe everything unfolds at just the perfect time?
ReplyDeleteSusan
Lovely post. I learned a lot. Very nice.
ReplyDeleteMaryann
Susan: It's a nice thought that there is some kind of preordained plan for our lives and that things happen when they should. I can't quite get my head around that enough to truly embrace it. I think it's possible if we stay open to the possibilities. I tend to follow my gut instinct but I'm not right every single time (or maybe I am if I take the longer view?). If we can hold onto the positive about life, our lives, the people in our lives, then things definitely work out better. I think I wrote once about 'personal power' and I think we need to build on that; that inner knowledge that we are okay and will be okay and that the world is really a wonderful place if you can focus on the good and do good. It's never too late to be happy.
ReplyDeleteMaryann: Lovely to hear from you after a long break. My best wishes to you.
I tend to think that there is probably not a preordained plan, but that things take place in my life when I am ready for them. So the right time is when I am ready, perhaps. Such good food for thought as always.
ReplyDeleteSusan
I'm sort of playing catch up on blog post tonight and I'm glad I read this one. My version of "doll" has so been floundering. I feel a bit more motivated to do the work to find her.
ReplyDeleteSusan: It's the huge question of life, I think. How much does what we think and what we do affect what happens? Being open to new possibilities means that we are ready to embrace them and that's an ideal situation. In short, I suspect you are right.
ReplyDeleteSerenity: Probably, the most important thing to do to find your doll is to relax and tap into her; to do that which arouses her.