The Subjugation Trap

I am learning a great deal about myself at the present time and how to be a healthy and happy submissive. I am taking the time to chronicle that process here for those people who may benefit from my experiences.

Cognitive behaviour therapy, the only therapy now subsidised by the Australian Government does not focus or allow the time to get into childhood experiences in any great detail, but an article my psychologist gave me at the end of our last session asks the reader to roam over the experience of childhood subjugation.

“Self-sacrificers feel responsible for the well-being of others. As a child, you may have experienced too much responsibility for the physical or emotional welfare of a parent, sister, brother or some other close person...a parent who was chronically ill or depressed. In doing so, you neglect yourself...You are empathic...You feel the pain of others and want to ease their pain...Whoever subjugated you as a child did not force you to do what he or she wanted. Rather, because they were in pain or especially weak, you felt that their needs took precedence over yours.”

I related to those words in a profound way and many memories came back to me, making me realize that I had indeed decided many times over in my life that I needed to be strong and to put my needs aside. In fact, I think I was very good at convincing myself that my needs were being met when in fact I had barely ever explored in my own mind what my needs really looked like.

Eventually, the fact that my needs were not being met led to what I thought was post-natal depression after the birth of my fourth child. In fact, it was more likely a general depression from the extremely high workload, lack of assistance and my inability to express that my needs as an individual simply were not being met.

I feel sure that I made efforts to express the fact that I was feeling snowed under and unhappy but there is no doubt that my “self sacrificing” mode of operating did not allow for me or anyone else to find satisfactory solutions to the immensely busy timetable, the tiredness and the sense that life had become not much more than drudgery. I remember walking into the laundry and seeing all that had to be done and having an image of setting out to climb Mount Everest. I felt I had a Herculean task in front of me.

As much as someone is loved, if they are prepared to “self-sacrifice”, people will allow that; even people who love them. It truly is up to each individual, I have learned through therapy, to establish their needs in their own mind and to express those needs.

Over time, I did what self sacrificers eventually do: I got mad. For a time there, I felt very angry quite a good deal of the time. I didn’t understand why those who loved me were treating me so badly, at the same time as I was unprepared to express what I needed from them.

I’d get mad, eventually blow up and then I would feel guilty that I blew up and I’d go back to being my self-sacrificing self.

“It is part of the subjugation lifetrap for you to believe it is somehow wrong for you to express your needs...Until you become more assertive, anger will continue to be a significant problem for you, even if you are not always aware of its harmful consequences.”

When I finally expressed my needs to my husband several years ago – when I told him that he had married a very kinky girl with particular needs – a lot of my despair evaporated overnight.

Yet, the “self-sacrificing” went on and I continued to believe that I should not really air my own views, opinions and needs. Life seemed to flow better when I acquiesced and I think I thought it was noble to acquiesce, in any case. I think it made me feel a good person.

“In subjugation, there are almost no strong opinions across the board. Whether the issues are big or small – no matter what is at stake – in subjugation there is no strong sense of self.”

Of course, you know that I do have strong opinions because I air them here, with friends and family. But, it is true that I signed documents in the past even though I vehemently disagreed with the decisions being made. I expressed my views but not assertively. I definitely didn’t stand up for myself and what I believed to be right. I relinquished my right to have a say in my own life.

The code of D/s is that the submissive has the right to express herself (or himself) politely but that ultimately, the Dominant will have the deciding vote. Quite honestly, I barely raised an objection at the time. My husband had no real idea of the extreme discomfort under my skin until it was a done deal and I did us all a huge disservice to not express my opinions loud and clear.

This is now water under the bridge. I am now self-aware and I understand where I went wrong. When I told my psychologist that I really, really wanted to visit my daughter over Easter (an ideal time for many reasons) she wanted to make that happen. I told her I thought it was “too late”, an excuse I have often made before as I put my needs lowest on the list.

But, I did go home and think about it and I rang my husband to say that I felt I had made a gross error in judgement; that all my instincts were telling me to go to London and spend a few weeks with our daughter at this time. Within a few days, my husband had bought me a ticket and my daughter was absolutely elated about it. For once, I had expressed a need and a desire: quietly, calmly, simply and directly and my husband responded to that; no questions asked.

Of course, we can’t always have we want and desire. Yet, we can’t get what we want, need and desire unless we are willing to end the subjugation trap and express ourselves. I have heard and read so many submissive women say that they find asking for something almost impossible. I was one of them. I know better now. I may not always get what I want or get it when I want it, but it won’t stop me from being assertive enough to ask now, directly and politely.

There is nothing about being a submissive to a dominant that does not allow someone to ask for what they believe they need, or to express their view about any matter that is pertinent to them. Frankly, I think it would be a relief to the vast majority of dominants if submissives did express themselves in this way. It doesn’t change the fact that they are in control but if does allow them to control in full knowledge of the submissive’s mind.

When the subjugation trap is understood, a giving person continues to give but as well, she (or he) asks that she be given in return. There is balance. There is a healthy relationship.

My psychologist is very respectful of the dynamic between my husband and myself but she wanted me to be aware of the “subjugation trap”. It is vital that submissives learn to ask for what they need. A good dominant will consider what the submissive has to say and take it into account when making a determination. Given the dynamic we have chosen, asking is paramount and hopefully, what is given shall be returned in spades.