The power exchange relationship has a philosophical issue attached to it for me; a feature that makes it difficult for me to live and embrace. If the point of the arrangement is that the dominant of the relationship has control and the submissive accepts that she has no control, what does she do with her thinking mind?
I’ve rolled these ideas over in my own head, with my husband and with a few other people and the advice is this: I am welcome to discuss. I am welcome to share my opinion. My views, thoughts and opinions will be taken into account but I have no control. The decision will ultimately be made by my dominant and I must make my peace with this, regardless of the outcome of the decisions. I should have faith that his way will be all right in the end.
I am confident that I don’t have all the answers. I am confident that I don’t want control. But, sometimes, I just know that I am right. It doesn’t happen all the time but it does happen. I know in my bones that my dominant is making a mistake; a mistake that could see him suffer, me suffer and the whole family suffer. What then?
I have agonized over this dilemma for years. Trust me when I say that I wish I didn’t have these feelings. And yet, I do; I do have these feelings. Even my husband will concede after the fact that I was right.
This is not a current issue. In fact, at the current time I support his efforts entirely because I agree with his approach entirely. Rather, this issue is one that goes around and around in my head. Can it really be right for me to sit back and watch events play out when I could prevent a lot of suffering? Should I be more assertive when I have these strong feelings?
In the main, I live in a ‘submissive bubble’ of my own making passing over responsibility to my husband regardless of my own ideas, thoughts, concerns, worries and feelings about an issue. We discuss. We talk. We consider together. But, ultimately he goes his own way.
I wish with all my heart to find my peace with this issue in my mind that disrupts my ability to truly and completely embrace this lifestyle. My question is this: Am I really doing the right thing by not being more assertive and accepting with grace the outcomes of my submission? If I could be completely confident that I am doing the right thing then it is game over and case won. Then, I could be happy for ever and ever and ever...
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Ask yourself if a friend was making the same wrong decision what would you say?
ReplyDeleteYou probably would just listen and encourage them to make their own choice, right or wrong.
Your dominant is a grown person, who made decisions before you came along and who you became enchanted with because of his abilities to make those choices. Remember why you decided to be with this person. Support them, right or wrong. It's easy to attack his choices but at what cost to your relationship?
Good luck.
submissivebf: Well, that is food for thought. I appreciate that.
ReplyDeleteWhen I have heard people ask my husband for advice, or the many conversations I overheard when people asked my boss for advice, they would talk them through it; explain the facts of the matter and why they thought they should do it a certain way. Of course, at the end of the day, they have to make their own choice.
And, I know both men were very frustrated at times when they couldn't convince someone to take a certain path and they were led down the garden path by someone else.
So, maybe some frustration is to be expected but also a recognition that it is out of my hands.
When my dominant came along we were just babes in the woods together talking everything through at length (like we are doing again now). But, yes I get your point. The attraction was that he was his own man and that he had an assertive style.
I like what you have to say: "support him right or wrong". He's a good man and that means a huge amount to me.His intentions are always honourable. I do want to say that "support him right or wrong" has issues for me. I couldn't support a husband who did bad things and I don't believe a woman should be expected to do that.
Yes, supporting him does make us closer. Alas, the worry means I go through a bit more panadol than I know I should!
Thank you for this!
I learned this from a book (with title that offends some) Surrendered Wife. I love the book. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteVesta, you've put your finger on one of the big issues of submission: what if he's wrong and I know he's wrong?
ReplyDeleteI'm a husband and a boss at work. I depend on the people I supervise to tell me what they think, and I depend on my wife to do the same, even, especially, when she disagrees. I'd be angry if she kept something to herself that would have helped if she told me. She's putting faith in my by expressing her concerns.
If your man is deserving of your faith, then you can give a lot of it to him, but it he has made many costly mistakes, it's hard to continue to blindly trust him.
A good leader doesn't make someone do something she cannot do.
Every arrangement can reach its limits. But good communication can help you work through it.
Dear Vesta good morning!
ReplyDeletethe thoughts behind your latest posts remind me of our e-correspondence of two years ago. In fact, you had asked me about this matter even then and i gave you the same answer i will give you now: ask permission to speak freely and say what's on your mind. Even if your Owner does not follow your advice, he will know how you feel about this matter and will be better prepared to deal with your behaviour (defensive, assertive, whatever) later on.
On another level (philosophical, metaphysical), i consider submission to be a continuous process. The goal should not be "game over and case won" (things will quickly become very boring for most of us) but rather a challenging and fullfilling life, lived with a participatory mind.
As always,
cassie
How much do you think your views and opinions influence his decision making?
ReplyDeleteVesta,
ReplyDeleteAs you say, a woman, even a submissive girl, should not stop thinking. There are ways, whatever it looks like in each person's dynamic, to talk to him about thoughts and reasons. In the end though, in the case of big decisions, even ignoring the power exchange of your relationship, how would it work out for him to change his plan and follow your advice?
I think this dilemma exists in every relationship - there are just some decisions that are either/or and if each party feels the opposite road should be taken, one person's is taken and the other not.
That doesn't answer the questions of what to do with all the feelings of watching bad things happen that you believe could have been avoided, and esentially, "I told you so," when it turns out you were right. When it works, I think this dynamic helps me feel like he listens or at least decides with all interests in mind, and helps him feel less defensive about his decisions.
To all the commenters of this post: Thank you vey much for your responses all of which were, I am sure, well intentioned.
ReplyDeleteWeb journals are rather odd things in that as much as I have been prepared to share with you my mind, I am unable to share with you the details of my life and most importantly, my husband's life. I feel a strong sense of responsibility to him and have a duty of care to him not to reveal details that would help you, the reader of the journal, to understand better. I walk the fine line of expressing myself without revealing those details which would make it much easier for you to understand my situation.
All I can really say is that for two years now there has been a situation which has been building and that we are currently at the high point of a crisis. I don't know if the crisis will break in a week, or two weeks or some other time frame. I only know that we are in it and that our lives are on hold until the crisis breaks. My husband has had to go to another place to manage this and all we really have right now are fleeting phone conversations or an email wishing one another a good night.
I've made the promise to myself not to write in this web journal again until the crisis is over. I can't think straight or write straight here in this journal while this is going on and taking care of my family and myself is where I am putting my focus.
I know that David is working on the next instalment of Agnes and Frederick. I will leave the journal open and post any new instalments of the story, or perhaps some other erotic thoughts that continue to pass through my mind, here as usual. I just won't be writing about my own life because my mind is being coloured by the events circling me and I don't want to write here again until matters have settled and frankly, I have settled.
Thank you for your forbearance with me over the past period of time when I know my writing has been disappointing. My best wishes to you.
vesta,
ReplyDeleteHonestly, mouse has never ever thought anything you've written was disappointing.
Ever.
Hugs,
mouse
mouse: That is a very kind thing to say and I was grateful to receive this message. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteVesta,
ReplyDeleteSweet friend. You and I have treaded along this topic a few times and even though we do not always come to the same conclusion, we do have a mutual respect for each others opinion. I think that when it comes to the family it is by all means important to speak ones mind and to be, shall I say, forceful in your opinion and ideas. I do not always agree with my Master and for the most part I sit back and listen and am here for support for him but there are times, more recently, that I make my voice a little bolder, a little sharper because his choices affect me - they affect my life and I do believe I have a say in what happens in my life.
No human is 100% perfect, 100% right, 100% of the time. Men, women, dominants, submissives, we all make mistakes and we all do things that are not in the best interest of everyone even if we think they are and I do not believe speaking ones mind takes away any position, any title any power exchange, on the contrary.
Life is not black and white. Life is not easily lived. We try, we learn, we grow, we fail, we succeed and through it all we gain knowledge and hopefully grow from all experiences.
I do not live by the rules that I have no voice or that I have no right to enforce my ideas if I genuinely believe my Master will (or is) making a disastrous decision. I respect my Master, I love my Master but even he can be wrong and if I can see his mistake before he makes it I believe it is my duty to say something if the end result could be damaging to me and my family.
Love, ~a
goodgirl: I agree that talking things through is important, most especially on the big issues and that sometimes the submissive can add something to the discussion that has bypassed the dominant's notice or thought processes. Far better to say something before the decision is made than have the decision made without your input. Hopefully, the best possible decision is then made.
ReplyDeleteIn my life, I have had to come to terms with the fact that decisions were made on my behalf with which I did not agree and which caused a lot of hardship. Intentions were always honourable and that is the thought that I have been asked to remember as well as the fact that he has worked very hard to resolve the issues caused by those decisions.
With hindsight (and isn't hindsight a mixed bag)I would say that things would have probably been less painful for me (and him) if I had found a better way to accept that fate.
In fact, that circumstance and the search for a better way to accept it is what led me into a deeper exploration of BDSM and D/s in particular and I certainly don't regret that for a minute.
I'm trying to embrace difficult times nowadays as an opportunity. I never stop trying to embrace all of life, no matter what happens.