The Ego and letting go

I have a strong sense of self. There is no doubt about it. I didn't come down in the last shower. I am no spring chicken and I know who I am.

Why do I write here? I see it as something of a personal journey; chronicling that journey and getting my thoughts down in a structured and coherent way. Yes, it can be read by whoever wishes to come along and read it but for reasons I am not entirely sure about, this way of getting down my thoughts provides a bit more discipline and structure for me.

I have a private blog with no readers whatsoever and no one but me knows the code. I guess you could say that it is more 'stream of consciousness' writing over there but as well, it is overly dramatic and in some ways not authentic, because it is writing at the top of my head, without thought and embarrassingly so. More than that, it would be hurtful to others for it is emotions gone awry and what I say in one moment can be negated in the other.

So, I come here to try to write down my story in a way that bares some weight; in a way that is true. In my mind, if my words are to be read by others, they need to have some measure and every word needs to be true and to feel right. I don't re-read my posts hardly ever, but if I did, I want to be proud of them; that I said what I meant but also that I applied some guidelines to my thought; that I didn't type so very much on the tips of my fingertips that I typed without some thought as to whether the words would stand the test of time.

Am I aware of the reader? Do I care what the reader thinks? Well, sometimes, I monitor what I say for a few reasons. I am aware of a few particular readers, though I try not to let that influence what I say.

Are some posts unnecessary? Yes, more than likely some posts did nothing more than indulge my desire to write something; anything at all. From the youngest age, I picked up a pen and wrote as my way of expressing myself and I love to write; to create sentences and paragraphs and posts and stories. I can't write very much with a pen these days, unfortunately. I love to type my thoughts because I think too fast most times to write them all down with a pen. Though interestingly, if a thought is very important to me, I write it into one of my kinky notebooks that travel with me wherever I go and to which I refer constantly.

A new school year began here today. The heat wave is over and there is some coolness to the air. It feels like a good moment to try something new - to move into the next chapter of this journey of discovery. So, for this next chapter, a conscious effort will be made to write as if I am writing for myself alone; as if there were no readers at all. And, let's see how that goes, if something changes and there are a whole new set of lessons to learn; if I can let that ego slip away and provide me with new sights and insights.