Doll heaven

Entering into the dolli headspace has been an extremely liberating thing for me in many ways and brought me much happiness and contentment. I understand that that is a very confronting statement for many people to read. I hope that you can be happy for me and not judge me too harshly in the same way that I don’t judge anyone else harshly for their choices. I do appreciate it is not for everyone (or hardly anyone). As well as being liberating it is very challenging and even for me at times, confusing and even baffling. I think my last post was an attempt to express some confusion – to try to put into words some thoughts that were troubling me a little. On reflection, I don’t think I did a good job of trying to express those thoughts.

When something doesn’t sit right for me in my life I deal with this in one of two ways. Either I give my poor addled head a complete rest and go do something that absorbs my mind and body in other ways or else I immerse myself in my troubled thoughts and don’t let go of them until I have a solution. You, my poor readers have suffered so as I go about demanding a solution and I want to thank you for your perseverance. I know (well I’ve been told anyway) that I can be a tad intense.

The benefits of the dolli headspace for me are immense. I can feel a wonderful sense of satisfaction with life and with my place in it. I can have a tremendously strong bond with my husband and we can both flourish with all the play that abounds in our life. I can benefit from the structure and expectations and even the communication style can be very rewarding. On my best days, I am quite simply, the doll. I am not just the dolli in the bedroom or when my husband approaches me in the kitchen in a certain way but I am also the dolli in my interactions in the outside world. She talks in a certain way. She interacts in a certain way. She abounds joy and transfers joy in a certain way. I can feel her taking over bringing me peace and contentment and I give thanks for the day, eighteen months ago now when she rose up and refused to be put back down.

Of course, the dolli operates in a confined space in many ways. She is contained and when that containment becomes too easy, she is challenged yet again. Dollies need challenges; to be pushed and pulled. Nothing is surer.

At the same time, I am old enough and wise enough to understand that the most important aspect of my life is my relationships. All sorts of other things have importance but nothing means more to me than connecting with other people. Finding soul mates, having one on one conversations with other people whereby they feel safe to reveal themselves to me and I feel safe to reveal myself to them is what matters to me.

I remind myself regularly that there are many types of friendship. I have a friend and we’ve been friends since we began nursery school at the age of four. We’ve never had an argument but at the same time I’ve never felt that I could talk to her about the real me. I sometimes wonder if she can talk to me about the real her. The truth is, I believe, that what I see, I get. I am seeing the real her whereas it is I that am the secretive one. It will never come to pass that I tell her about all that I tell you, because that sort of exposure would put me at great risk. It would be too titillating. The temptation to tell mutual friends would be too high. And, I say this holding onto a secret of hers through the years. I can do that perfectly well but many people cannot.

I crave intimacy. I don’t mean sexual intimacy although I do crave that big time with my husband. I crave intimacy with a special few people. I hope that my special relationships evolve such that intimacy, and then even more intimacy abounds. I look to meet soul to soul. I put great stock in this; work towards this; hope. You cannot make anyone open up but you can provide the environment that enables them to open up to you, if they wish; if they feel safe.

There are moments when I worry that as the doll I won’t have the opportunity to experience this sort of intimacy. Dollies have so many rules and protocols; so many limits. They are so contained. Yet, in my more positive moments I can see quite clearly that it is entirely possible to achieve intimacy; to meet with someone else on a soul to soul basis; for the trust to operate on a two way basis. This outcome is what I call ‘doll heaven’.