Accepting my role

I was sitting in a chair this morning giving myself all the messages I give myself when I am trying to calm down. The details aren’t important. Let’s just say that I was frustrated that something that I wanted, that my husband knew that I wanted, that he had agreed to begin was not going to be done at all; again.

My first reaction is immediate and intense frustration. I can feel my angst in the pit of my stomach rising up to my throat. My agitation is immense and I can feel my breathing become short and haphazard. I feel tightness in my chest and the desire to just explode is a deeply challenging one.

I have a sudden and violent burst of energy. I find myself with the strength of three men as I lift things and move things and try to do something with my upset. I become hot; sweaty; exasperated. I realize from much past experience that I won’t last long in this state and I give myself a message to slow down; take a deep breath. I stand still and take some very deep breaths. I am starting to feel a little better.

I remind myself to talk to myself: What are the most important things to say to yourself at these times of huge inner frustration: Are you feeling awful? Yes. Is your ego involved? Well...yes. Can you effect change or improvement or his co-operation in this state? No. Do you have any control? No.

Moment by moment, I begin to settle myself down; adopt a sensibility that allows me to accept his decision, no matter how frustrating, how silly (in my opinion) or how very disappointing to me. I just accept my lot and find my sustenance in other ways.


I read a book over the past few weeks that suggested that if you want your partner to do something for you, or in my case give me permission to do it myself (which he would never do), stop asking. Be loving and kind and understanding of him and if you behave in this way, one day he will just do it of his own accord.

Perhaps, it will happen like that. I’m not sure how much more that I can do really; how much more loving or kind or affirming or giving or accepting of our power exchange I can really be. No matter what, he will do what he wants to do, when he wants to do it and how he wants to do it. He is not trying to hurt me. He is a not a power freak. He is a perfectionist who is unable to see my version of life until, when and if he is ready to do so.

Perhaps, my acceptance allows for this situation. He sees me fundamentally happy and deduces that buys him more time. I might subconsciously wonder about this since I have noticed myself reminding him a few times that we aren’t getting any younger. We are in the last third of our lives.

I love him dearly. He loves me dearly. But, the frustration has nearly felled me a number of times. I use what I have learned to great effect to manage that and to accept.