What's it all about, Alfie?

Last night, my husband was cross with me. He had come to bed and once he does that he expects me to turn my lap top off right away. If he’s busy in his study, I can type away on the lap top until I knock myself out. He knows that I know when I should settle down for the night to get adequate sleep but he’s not inclined to set bedtimes or micromanage me in this way. And, if I complain the next day about being tired, he’ll remind me as to why I am tired and assure me that I’ll get no sympathy from him.

But, if he comes to bed, then he has no interest in my preoccupations and thus when I did not put away my favourite toy immediately I got ‘the rounds of the kitchen’. And, rightly so!

I tried cuddling into him but he said he was “too hot” and I tried opening up an erotic conversation but he said he didn’t want to talk about that right now.

“Goodnight,” he said with an air of finality.

“Goodnight,” I replied with an air of resignation.

Back in the doghouse again...

In the morning, upon waking I felt him reach for me and, of course, that is my cue to cuddle into him. I lay there, relieved that he wanted to cuddle, and I said, in a little girl voice,

“I’m sorry.”

“That is all I wanted to hear,” he said. “You know what is right.”

And, I do. I do know what is right. But, before we transformed our relationship into a power exchange relationship I did have a great deal of difficulty with those three little words.

I am sorry.

You see, so often when my husband was angry with me, he would raise his voice. The focus would shift from my wrongdoing to his behaviour when telling me off. My "sensibilities" were offended that he was telling me off like an irate schoolmaster and in this state, apologizing was virtually impossible for me. Letting it go was impossible for him. Our stand offs could last for a long time!

It may seem a little thing to you, but my willingness to acknowledge my wrongdoing, accept my scolding, and to offer my apology immediately is a big step for me. For my husband, it is one of the great blessings of our power exchange relationship.

The issuing of punishments is not really his thing. I imagine many a dominant man out there would suggest that the removal of the lap top for a week might have me thinking twice before being tardy about turning it off again. But, acknowledgement of the error is what was important to him.

And, in any case, he knows full well that a good old-fashioned scolding is far worse to me than any punishment he could dish out. It is a rare day when he delivers a punishment – the cane or the removal of a privilege, for example. His words of disapproval, his dismissal of me, banishment occasionally, are perfectly adequate for him to make his point. And my words of apology are nearly always enough for him as recompense of the error.

Now, don’t let me lead you astray. He loves to threaten me.

“By God, you are overdue for the cane, little girl!”

“Why don’t you repeat that? Repeat that, and see what happens!!”

“Where is that paddle? What have you done with it? When I find it I’m going to enjoy turning your ass red!”

“Did you touch yourself today, cindi? Did you???”

I’m corrected quite routinely.

“Beating your ass gives me such a bar” is one of those remarks of his that always make me smile.

There are many faces to this dynamic of ours. Love, harmony, connection, fun and pleasure is a huge part of what it is about for us.