The inner child

In my reading over the past few days about patriarchy, the term 'patriarchal voice' just didn't work for me. What I did was replace that term with another. I thought of this voice as a 'protective voice'. It's the voice that we go to for advice about what society deems we should do. This worked better for me. In taking advice from that voice, we can compromise parts of ourselves in that we may not set limits as to what is acceptable and healthy behaviour for us. Or, we may bury other aspects of our personality.

In many cases, I believe, we can lose the 'inner child'. This happens to both men and women as life takes on more and more responsibility and as we listen and take heed to societal pressures. It happens to all of us, in some measure.

During the time of my mentoring, my inner child was allowed free reign. Of course, there were rules and very specific ways of interacting. I knew my place and should I forget, the correction was immediate. For both of us, and I strongly believe this, we were two kids let loose in the candy shop. We were often joyous, child like; exuberant. Fun was very much close to the top of the agenda.

For ages, I wasn't really aware of this. I was too busy just letting out that part of my personality to think about it. I see very clearly now that what was so very special about the exchange (and there were other special things as well) was that we both allowed our inner child free reign.

It's a complex thing because I distinctly remember one time not wanting to do something and the child part of my psyche said so. He insisted that it must be done. There was no manipulation or strategic thinking involved when I replied, "But, wot if cindi sed pleeeeeez? He replied that it wouldn't matter. She still had to do as she was told. This floored me. Didn't little children get their way if they asked oh so nysssseli?? If they were adorable enough, didn't the person in charge say, "Oh, all right. Just. this. one. time." So, my inner child was allowed free reign so long as she understood the voice of authority.

When people listen too hard to their protective voice, they can become very serious. There are all sorts of reasons why they shouldn't do what they would like to do. Or, on the flip side, they want to please, if they are a pleaser, and they don't lay down some limits to protect themselves enough. I think this patriarchal voice that I have been reading about simply is the same thing that my psychologist spoke to me about. It was absolutely fine for me to express the very feminine side of my personality but I also needed to give expression to the side of my personality that wanted to achieve something in the real world for myself. I could be nurturing and doting and giving and submit so long as I put some boundaries around myself. It was okay for me to express all components of my personality. I didn't need to stick to just one entirely.

I look back on my mentoring sessions with great affection. It was my opportunity to let my inner child out in the sunshine to run free. Often gleeful, full of mirth and giggly it was a heady and happy time in my life; the loveliest of gifts.

The Patriarchal voice

The patriarchal voice is the voice that refers to the rules and philosophy of the patriarchal system. To keep it simple, when speaking of the patriarchal system we might otherwise say, 'It's a man's world'.

I think you can argue that part of this philosophy handed down from generation to generation is that femininity is inferior to masculinity. Sometimes, women decide to mimic men's behavior because they determine that to live in a man's world, they have to play by the rules and femininity won't get them where they want to go. Thus, they put restrictions on the feminine.

The patriarchal system is not just inclined to see femininity as inferior. It is as damaging to men as it is to women because under the patriarchal system, men must play by the rules as well. It is difficult for men to express their vulnerability and their emotions because it has been thought that's not expressing strength or leadership; those skills strongly supported by the patriarchal system.

This patriarchal voice is contained within us. We take those messages in from society and we carry them within us. This voice speaks to us and effects our decision making and our behavior, often in subliminal ways. I don't profess to understand the dynamic of this voice as it effects all decision making we do but I was struck by some statements in my friend's notes on this subject.

She writes that when the patriarchal voice is suppressed or disowned it continues to live on in our lives in a dis-empowering way. This energy can come to us from a person outside of ourselves who carries that patriarchal energy and may treat us badly. A boss or a partner may use that energy and the result could be judgmental statements, an authoritarian stance, a lack of feeling or respect for others or an inflexible point or view. Both men and women may have a patriarchal voice. Women can make harsh judgments about other women just as easily as a man can make a judgment of a woman. (think: witches of Salem, perhaps)

The inner patriarch is used to leading and directing and thus, my friend concludes, if we were to give away that energy to someone else, we lose ourselves. She gives the example of a client who was a people pleaser  to the point where she lost her 'self". Her patriarchal voice had been disowned and thus manifested itself in two men - her husband and her business partner - who belittled her, negated her actions and devalued what she brought to their lives.

You might start to get the feeling that I am struggling to put these thoughts together and come up with something that makes sense to me. I think what my new friend is getting at is that her patriarchal voice silenced her and allowed her husband and even her children to make decisions on her behalf that led to a great deal of pain. She became a victim to that patriarchal voice. Other people ruled her with a iron fist and she allowed that to happen.

My friend had a patriarchal voice within her that constantly reminded her of her inadequacies as a mother, a wife, a daughter. To become successful in the world she took on patriarchal energy but she lost her femininity. Eventually, she realized she could be feminine and still powerful. She discovered she could use her femininity powerfully.

I'm still cogitating about this but I can say with certainty that my goal is to use my femininity powerfully. My husband sometimes refer to a scale of femininity and I happen to be on the furthest end. I have been a victim to a voice within my head that feels it best to put other people's needs ahead of my own, often needlessly. I'm about to jump in the car to go to a screen writing lecture that I want to go to even though it is over the dinner hour - a big move in my life!

So, I've sometimes allowed myself to be the victim of a patriarchal kind of thinking in the sense that I have felt it my responsibility to ensure everyone's comfort and satisfaction ahead of my own, as if my needs were unimportant in comparison to theirs. I'm not sure if this is patriarchal thinking that I gathered from society at large or just that it seemed easier and better to put my needs secondary to others and thereby ensure the smooth running of life. I'm not entirely sure why I took that to extremes. It just seemed to work that way.

Embracing my femininity in the form of allowing my sexuality to be front and centre in my life is certainly empowering for me and to that end I have been brave. We live and learn.   As I read more of what my friend has written my thoughts may change. One thing I can say with certainty is that she is happy and at peace now finally and her thinking about this inner voice appears worthy of more exploration.

Voice dialogue

As a woman who has explored an inner voice - the voice of the uninhibited and wanting woman within me, known as cindi - I pricked up my ears when a new friend began to tell me about 'Voice dialogue'. This is a kind of therapy where the therapist asks to speak to any other parts of oneself. Typically, the therapist asks four questions. This is an opportunity for another aspect of one's personality to be given voice.

I take the information I was given with full seriousness and I intend to write more about 'voice dialogue' but there is a part of me that finds it amusing as well. I imagined my therapist of last year asking,

Who or what are you?

If cindi had felt safe with her to answer (and she most certainly did not feel safe to do so) she would have said something like,

"I'm a what, not a who. I'm just an object; a fuck toy; a play thing. I love sex and I like to be used as often as possible. I don't have any control because I love to be controlled and the hoos like to control me, so everybody gets what they want. Wheeeeee."

How are you feeling right now?

Very good. Happy. Ditzy. Ready for fun. Waiting quietly here for someone to come along and play with me. I don't have any worries and I don't have any other thoughts. My head is pretty empty actually. Objects are like that.

What caused you to feel that way?

Well, when cindi was given life, it made  everyone very happy. Before cindi arrived the girl was a worrier and she thought too much. cindi brought joy, peace and happiness. cindi is true to her needs and wants.

How can I help you?

Well, just njoy cindi and welcome her because is she fun loving, and a happi l'il thing. Hi hi therapist.

Do you think the therapist might have replied: "Hi hi, cindi!"

We can but dream.

Outcomes

In my fantasies I am often the helpless victim of those in charge of me. Sometimes, I am a willing captive. I have agreed to the union, expect to and do comply with the wishes of my husband (or who ever it is that I agreed to obey).

 Often, I am simply in a situation where other people are in charge and in control of me and what they say goes. If I am stupid enough to have issue with this, I only make matters worse on myself.

In real life, it hasn't gone this way at all. In real life I am expected to want whatever befalls me. More than that, I am expected to beg for it. It's all about training the girl to want all the things that a decent and well brought up girl wouldn't think to do or have.

It simply isn't enough to tell a girl that it is time she had a larger anal plug, for example. That is not the outcome desired at all - to have her tolerate; to have her challenged according to his dictates.  She has to be desperate for this new toy.

She has to perhaps mention that it would be very nice to have a new toy. She has to hope that the hint is taken. Of course, a mental note is made of this exchange of thoughts but a girl has to wait. It doesn't do to hurry these things. He has to be certain that she wants the new toy with all her heart.

Time goes by and the doll wonders if she will ever get her toy. She would not dare make this purchase herself. Goodness me, she isn't that dum dum. Eventually, she brings it up again. She really would love a new toy...

He tells the doll that he needs to know why she wants that. He tells her that he needs to know why she is so desperate.

He tells her he isn't sure...

She implores him. She pleads her case. She says the need is urgent. She doesn't know what she will do if she doesn't get that toy soon.

The conversation goes on and on...

Her begging becomes more and  more difficult to comprehend. Words are spilling out on top of the other and now she is completely worked up. It is now or never...

"pretti pretti pleeeeeeeeeeez"

Eventually, against his better judgement, in a moment of weakness and mercy he agrees to her request.

"Beri wel den. Da dum dum dolli mey hab da new pluggi"

"Ohhhhhh, tank u, tank u, tank u"

She wants exactly what he wanted her to have and now there are two happy campers.

Oh joy!

Containment

My husband and I went out for dinner last night; back to the same Italian restaurant that we went to after my very first spanking. I felt rather nostalgic about that and so wished that I was sitting on a sore bottom. Nevertheless, we had a lovely time. The food was just how we liked it, we polished off the bottle of pinot we brought along and we thoroughly enjoyed conversing together.

I had got dolled up and I think I looked good. I was in a new black dress. At some point during the meal he looked me over and said, "I suppose you are going to tell me that you've had that dress for ages." I laughed. It is a private joke of ours that I tend to say to him, "This? Oh, I have had this dress for years. You have already seen me in it a few times now." Instead, I said, "It's new. Do you like it?" And he said, "It looks lovely."

 I was also wearing a new pair of pearl ear rings - much more detailed than I would usually wear but a jeweler friend had showed them to me and I liked the idea of wearing something a bit different. "And, the ear rings are new, too. What do you think of them?" "I like them," he said. "Not too much?" "Well, they are a bit eccentric, but I like them on you." I think he must have liked the overall look because he took a few photographs of me before I left and I was pleased to see that I am starting to look my vibrant self again. I've got my condition under control and I definitely feel better.

In an ideal world, my husband would take a little more interest in my purchases. (My God, I hope he never reads this.) He'd sit on the bed and watch while I removed something from my wardrobe to make room for the new purchase. If I bought a new dress, then he'd watch while I chose an old dress to give away. This is a regimen that I really want to put into consistent practice. I'm not fantastic at this but I do try to achieve this goal. I certainly am happy to remove anything that doesn't work or that he doesn't like or that is just too old or outdated but I haven't managed to put this regimen in place immediately that I purchase something. It's something I continue to work on because the thought pleases me very much.

It's not easy for my husband to want to restrict me. If I ran about town purchasing expensive items all the time and was out of control he'd soon pull me up. But, I don't do that and he loves to see me look good. His feeling is that so long as I don't go overboard and as long as I am purchasing items that he likes, no harm is done. Not so long ago he said to me, "Why don't you wear that Spanish dress..." I said, "The one with layers? Darling, I bought that when I was 22. That bit the dust." He was incredulous how time how flown so fast! So, you see, he's not inclined to have me give things away. This minimalism is a project for me to do alone now and I am. It suits my dolly state of mind, you see.

There was another moment over dinner that was worthy of note. We had a nice Italian waitress but as my husband read the menu she looked straight at me and asked me what I wanted to order. This has got me into trouble before and I didn't want to be in trouble. My husband expects all orders to be given through him. Caught in a bind, I said to him, "May I please give her my order?" "Yes, you may," he said. This was quite unusual but I went ahead and told her I'd have the Scallopini au vino. If she noticed the dynamic between us, she didn't comment. The restaurant tends to be frequented by mostly older Europeans so she is probably ready for anything.

Recently, we went to dinner at our Club and when we entered the restaurant area the young male waiter looked directly at me. "We have a reservation," I said. When we were seated, I was told off. It's not my place to respond to waiters but I have felt compromised when they look to me for direction. Anyways, later on this rather cocky young waiter put the bill directly in front of me. My husband said, "He thinks you are in control of this relationship." I laughed. "Why on earth would he think that?" "Because of what you did earlier." Again, I was read the riot act about talking to waiters. And, I definitely did learn my lesson...won't be doing that again any time soon...

I must say, and there are no surprises here, that I enjoy feeling like a doll. I enjoy dressing up like a doll, being taken to dinner like a doll; treated like a doll. I like to be contained in any number of ways. I am very happy to be owned and very happy to be pleasing.

Praise

It has occurred to me more than once that women enjoy being in an power exchange arrangement for its consistent supply of praise. Okay, there might be struggle but an insightful Top will recognize that after the struggle must come praise.

It has also occurred to me that we are capable of  'snuffing off' praise. It is not that we don't love it but that sometimes praise is almost uncomfortable. We aren't letting the praise fully in. Imagine a scenario where a woman is told she looks pretty. Instead of allowing herself the enjoyment of that inner glow of her efforts being acknowledged she says, "Oh, this old thing. I've had this dress for years." or "My hair isn't quite right though..." Or, whatever. She is not letting the praise in and she isn't giving the giver of the praise the opportunity to see her enjoyment of receiving the praise.

I did something similar recently. All this reviewing of the arts I have been doing in my course has been a huge learning curve for me. In my course we've reviewed books, art, plays, film and even music. It's been wonderful learning but in all cases but one I've had feedback such as "Good, but you could have done this, or you could have contextualized more or I wasn't entirely sure if you enjoyed it..."

In only one module was the feedback quite glowing. In only one module was my work singled out as laudable. And, guess what? That's the feedback that I glossed over; barely registered. (I actually just read over the comments now to check that the tutor said what I thought he said and to take into my soul the praise he was offering.) In terms of the more negative (or I should say, constructive feedback because that is what it was) feedback, I took in every word of that - berated myself for not thinking of it first or having missed something and so on.

I think this is the tendency of the submissive woman. On some level, she isn't entirely sure of herself and even when she gets praise she isn't entirely sure she deserves it or if it is genuine or even if it is appropriate for her to accept the praise.

My boss of a thousand years ago used to say that he didn't praise me because he thought it would go to my head. I heard how he felt about my work and efforts through other people but very rarely did I hear it from him. Even with my mentor, it was another person who knew him who told me how he felt about my efforts and progress more so than directly through him. And, of course, I took the reprimands and his not being happy with me about something much more seriously than I ever took his praise. It's a bit like getting Honours for a subject, let's say 90%, and instead of saying 'Yay,I got a really high score', we say 'I feel like I failed because I missed 10 marks and that's dumb'.

In group meditation class once we were asked to make an effort that week to really accept any praise or compliments that came our way and to take a moment to let that praise in; to be open to it and to acknowledge it. I think that's definitely worth a try.

The fitness of things

To set the scene, I was driving and my youngest son was in the passenger seat beside me. He was biting into his bacon and egg muffin. The radio was on; not on my usual channel because my daughter had borrowed the car and naturally she changed the radio channel. Although trained in classical music to a high standard, she loathes my choice of music.

On any other day, my son and I would have been listening to the guest weather and some calming and refined classical music. Today, we were listening to a panel of people with strong, Aussie voices discuss whether Seal was cool or a sleaze. Apparently, this all came about because he kissed Ricky Lee on the show last night (his "mentor" on our version of 'The Voice') at an inappropriate time. After the panel all gave their thoughts on the matter, they turned it over to callers, some of whom were a little "grossed out" and others who thought he was "totally cool".

I try not to talk on the way to school. The young man is usually chowing down on some breakfast and unless we need to talk we often don't say much. Today, he looked up from his English muffin to say,

"Is this what people really care about? Is it that important to them who kissed who at what time and for how long and in what manner? Who are these people?"

For a young man who is immersed completely in a variety of activities and who enjoys 'The Voice', this sort of public discussion of a minute detail as to what a person did at a given moment is not worthy of discussion in the media.

Also, the school he attends works hard at fostering a spirit of co-operation and increasing empathic skills through an almost limitless array of activities and opportunities for growth, so pillory of someone, passing judgment by the media if you will, without a very good reason goes against what he thinks is right.

Personally, I don't like this sort of thing either. Why should anyone have to wake up and overhear people talking about him like that just because he is on a television show? What ever happened to the 'fitness of things'?