Without a shadow of a doubt, there is something profoundly wrong with me. Think about it. At the ripe age of 20, I chose the only boy who had the balls to make it clear from the get go that he was in charge. On our very first date, he told me off in no uncertain terms that I had parked my car in the wrong place at his dorm. I was literally stunned at the way my error put him in a dark mood and let's face it; any sensible girl would have got back in her car and headed as far in the other direction as she could get, as fast as she could get.
I often didn't take kindly to his lectures and I still don't always take kindly to them. My sense of my place in the dynamic has evolved such that I am largely at peace with it. Rest assured, however, that I still have my feisty and even bratty moments when I express my displeasure. He didn't take kindly to that over 30 years ago and he still doesn't take kindly to it today.
I talked about openness recently but it has to be said that openness with highly dominant men used to getting their way is a dangerous proposition. I simply can't put onto the airwaves any further comment about openness without that warning attached.
I tried, ever so politely this morning to point out to my darling husband that there was strong evidence over a period of decades to point to the fact that he was a control freak. He rejected it as out of hand. In fact, he said he was insulted that I should say that. Well, I have thought it for eons and perhaps that is where the thought should have stayed - locked in the recesses of my mind. Let's face it. He has passed the mid way point of his life. He has the courage of a lion and is not afraid to take anyone on. What makes me think that just by being open, I can effect any sort of change in him? As far as he is concerned, he does what he does with good intention and that should be good enough for me.
My training tells me this as well. I don't have any control and that is an irrefutable fact. Yet, I have powers of persuasion available to me and I should use them, eating the lion one bite at a time, so to speak. There is no use in walking up to the lion and telling him you want him to change, or move, or not eat you or anything else, now is there? You need to be more subtle with a lion than that. Where does openness get you standing before a lion, for heaven's sake?
And, that is not the only reason I think something is wrong with me. Look at my other choices in life. When I returned from the US what job did I take? What job did I actively seek out simply because I found the man who interviewed me so devilishly opinionated and dominant to the point of being difficult and stubborn? The job where I would need to be submissive to that man; thats what job!
Not to mention that I have a mentor who loves to push me; to instill notions into my head that I am an owned girl; that I should know my place and my purpose. What sort of girl willingly; nay, enthusiastically seeks having that in her life?
All my life, and I don't just mean all my adult life, but all my life, I have gravitated to men who exude a desire and a need for control. And, when they chose to control me, I loved it at the same time as I sometimes hated it.
Yet, it happens time and time again. I blissfully accept the control until I don't and I rebel. Then, there is upset for this reason and this reason alone: the dominant does not want openness at all if it means the submissive says something he does not want to hear. If what she wants to disclose disrupts his control over her, it totally destabilizes him and nothing can be put to right in his mind (or hers) until the submissive is back where she belongs: back in her place. So, what does she do? Of course, she gets back where she came from and she throws the notion of openness out the window as she goes.
I continue to believe that openness is a goal worth striving for but in reality it is ever so much easier said than done.
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Vesta,
ReplyDeleteThe concept of "openness" in my mind does not mean all which I say is welcome nor desired it simply means I am not withholding, that I am not choosing to remain quiet about an opinion and or feeling and that I wish to share. I have long known that being open comes with accountability and responsibility, two very key traits I believe are necessary for me to live a healthy, truthful and meaningful life.
I learned early on that there are times when I will not be open solely because I feel as though what I have to say will not be received in the same open manner as I am expressing them.
I am not like many other submissives though, I do not believe the dominant is always right, I do not believe that I should simply do what I am told to do because the dominant said so and I do not believe I need to withhold my feelings simply because the dominant may not like what I have to say. At the same time though I do believe that I need to fully accept the emotion expressed by the dominant should he not appreciate my sentiments, should he feel upset or even offended by what I have to say and for both me and the dominant to work through the conflict should there be any.
I actually believe more people, whether submissive or not, would be far more willing to be open, to be vulnerable, to be raw if the other party was willing to simply listen and perhaps embrace what is being shared and not immediately react, rather taking time to reflect and absorb.
I wish you all the best with your process and I do hope you find the ability, the strength to continue to be open.
Thank you for sharing, for being raw with those of us who greatly appreciate your vulnerability.
Much warmth,
~a
Vesta,
ReplyDeleteMy interpretation on the word "openness" is quite different than sharing my opinions. I think more of a softening, being more open to listening, more receptive to affection, to love. Being willing to share deep dark feelings that are hard to get out normally.
But I guess I may be using the wrong word to describe that.
I think the fact that you have chosen such Dominant men in you life to serve just reflects how powerful a woman you are. I'm sure it will always give you plenty of frustrating moments though.:)
hugs!
Serenity
good girl: We've already spoken about this privately, so I won't make this long. Thank you for your well thought out comment. There is vulnerability for both the dominant and the submissive in a power exchange and being open is challenging on both sides. We're in agreement on that, aren't we? I think we've both had lots of training and practice at listening quietly and considerately and responding calmly and thoughtfully. It is also incumbent on the dominant to do the same if openness (transparency) can flourish into a beautiful thing. I continue to believe it is a highly commendable goal.
ReplyDeleteSerenity: You're certainly not wrong. A submissive aims to be "open" to love and affection too. In this case I was referring to a submissive expressing what is on her mind in those cases when she worries that the dominant will not enjoy what she has to say.
I must say I adore your anaysis of me: that I (and good girl) are powerful women. A dominant once told me that I am a "strong woman" and I liked that too. I think it takes a very confident and self evolved woman to not only survive but flourish with dominant, control driven men and you have paid me (and other similarly challenged women) a great compliment.