There's no doubt that some of us have been slow to recognize and embrace the particular way we want to live. Now that I know what it feels like to live in that way - my version of "that way" - doing without isn't an option. I've actually tried that several times in various ways and it's no good for me. Perhaps I've reached an age where I'm feisty in that way. I can feel the clock ticking and I'm not prepared to waste any more time. I'm not prepared to negotiate or to do without. I'm staking my claim and I'm not giving it up. I'm possessive of my rights to be dominated.
I don't regret, for one single second, bringing up my family in the way that I did. It has nurtured that side of me and if I didn't have that in my life it would be just as sad for me as if my kinky side was not embraced. I always wanted children. I always wanted to be a mother.
That said, I'm ready for time alone, and for time alone with my husband. Once we sorted things out, that I needed his dominance and once he recognized that I wasn't kidding around about that, that it was a non-negotiable in my life, things were sweet this past weekend. Our time together without fear of being heard, seen or interrupted in any way was a lifeline for me and there is no doubt in my mind that we are ready to move on now; ready for our children to be more independent and to do without so much of our presence. To that end, we're teaching them those skills they haven't been enthralled about taking on - ironing a shirt, loading a dishwasher, making a meal.
In fact, we did have oysters. I saw the oysters on Facebook and after our first love-making/beating session I asked if he might like some oysters for dinner, and then some fresh salmon and salad. He came home bearing the goods, we devoured them with relish along with most of a bottle of chardonnay and promptly fell asleep on the couch. Somehow we transferred ourselves to bed and slept the night through blissfully.
I simply can't remember the last time we made love twice in a 24 hour period. (Okay, we did a few weekends ago, but it was ages and ages before that.) It's been one of my big regrets because, for us, sex is sweeter and more intense the second time around. So, it was a blessing when he took control the next morning. I'm amazed at times how he can appear to be able to live without dominating me sexually and then, when he gets around to it, do such a sterling job of it. He is as demanding of me as if I were a relative stranger. I'm as in my zone as if I were with the most stern of dominant men. It's not until he's twisted this and pulled that; made me come on demand and with huge intensity for a long time; thrown my body around and insist he is serviced in various ways that I eventually beg him for some respite, "Pleeeeeeeeeeeeese, pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeese, may cindi rest a bit, Owner?"
He loves it. He loves his own arousal. He loves to see me so satiated and relaxed. He adores the smile that comes over my face; a smile that I simply couldn't control if I wanted. Maybe we have to leave the family home to achieve these heady highs - for it to be just 'us'. I remember a time in Tuscany when we traveled to our 'sweet power exchange spot' and it wasn't until we had dinner with some other guests that it became apparent we'd been overheard. I was a little embarrassed but the husband assured us he'd enjoyed every moment of it; it had delighted him that people our age could get it off in quite that way. "Just wow," he exclaimed, clearly envious.
It can be difficult to 'let go' of the mother and father persona around the children. They are not small any more but who wants to hear one's mother groaning and screaming; a strap or cane being wielded against what is so obviously bare skin? Which child wants to even hear a mother's or father's cries of ecstasy and release? Certainly, my children are not interested in over hearing these sorts of activities and they have made that clear. It's confronting for them and for us.
The answer lies, it would seem, in finding more reasons to travel down to the holiday house for a couple of nights. And, the oysters are particularly fresh down there.
I don't regret, for one single second, bringing up my family in the way that I did. It has nurtured that side of me and if I didn't have that in my life it would be just as sad for me as if my kinky side was not embraced. I always wanted children. I always wanted to be a mother.
That said, I'm ready for time alone, and for time alone with my husband. Once we sorted things out, that I needed his dominance and once he recognized that I wasn't kidding around about that, that it was a non-negotiable in my life, things were sweet this past weekend. Our time together without fear of being heard, seen or interrupted in any way was a lifeline for me and there is no doubt in my mind that we are ready to move on now; ready for our children to be more independent and to do without so much of our presence. To that end, we're teaching them those skills they haven't been enthralled about taking on - ironing a shirt, loading a dishwasher, making a meal.
In fact, we did have oysters. I saw the oysters on Facebook and after our first love-making/beating session I asked if he might like some oysters for dinner, and then some fresh salmon and salad. He came home bearing the goods, we devoured them with relish along with most of a bottle of chardonnay and promptly fell asleep on the couch. Somehow we transferred ourselves to bed and slept the night through blissfully.
I simply can't remember the last time we made love twice in a 24 hour period. (Okay, we did a few weekends ago, but it was ages and ages before that.) It's been one of my big regrets because, for us, sex is sweeter and more intense the second time around. So, it was a blessing when he took control the next morning. I'm amazed at times how he can appear to be able to live without dominating me sexually and then, when he gets around to it, do such a sterling job of it. He is as demanding of me as if I were a relative stranger. I'm as in my zone as if I were with the most stern of dominant men. It's not until he's twisted this and pulled that; made me come on demand and with huge intensity for a long time; thrown my body around and insist he is serviced in various ways that I eventually beg him for some respite, "Pleeeeeeeeeeeeese, pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeese, may cindi rest a bit, Owner?"
He loves it. He loves his own arousal. He loves to see me so satiated and relaxed. He adores the smile that comes over my face; a smile that I simply couldn't control if I wanted. Maybe we have to leave the family home to achieve these heady highs - for it to be just 'us'. I remember a time in Tuscany when we traveled to our 'sweet power exchange spot' and it wasn't until we had dinner with some other guests that it became apparent we'd been overheard. I was a little embarrassed but the husband assured us he'd enjoyed every moment of it; it had delighted him that people our age could get it off in quite that way. "Just wow," he exclaimed, clearly envious.
It can be difficult to 'let go' of the mother and father persona around the children. They are not small any more but who wants to hear one's mother groaning and screaming; a strap or cane being wielded against what is so obviously bare skin? Which child wants to even hear a mother's or father's cries of ecstasy and release? Certainly, my children are not interested in over hearing these sorts of activities and they have made that clear. It's confronting for them and for us.
The answer lies, it would seem, in finding more reasons to travel down to the holiday house for a couple of nights. And, the oysters are particularly fresh down there.
I read your blog a couple of years ago but you talked about stopping, and I got caught up in my own drama, so I lost track of you and your writing. It was just last week that I found to my delight that you're still posting. I consider your writing intelligent, insightful, and eloquent. I wish I had the time to lift some of your best lines and feed them back to you. It's always good to be told how good your writing really is.
ReplyDeleteI am happy that you and your husband are finally to the point that you can take your relationship to the next level. More power to you!
A couple of years ago I came across something on the internet that I liked so much, I wrote it down. This very much describes you: "In a perfect world, you'd be heralded as a wonderfully unique sexual being with a rare, sought-after gift."
I'm looking forward to reading about your continuing adventures!
Pointmaster
Now this is great! The best place possible to find the needed dominance is at your own home. Or the holiday house maybe... :)
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Just found your blog recently, and thoroughly enjoy it. This is just proof that you have come to realize that at the end of the day marriage does come before children, and you are planning on making that work. Can't wait to read more oyster tales.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad things are going well for you Vesta! *Hugs*
ReplyDeleteThis is a lovely soul calming post, and if you could bottle it, I'd buy a crate. I'm glad that you are getting what you need and that your husband has found and embraced his dominance :-) it makes such a difference when they dominate for their needs ans not just for ours.
ReplyDeletePointmaster: This is a deeply generous comment to leave me and it really warmed by heart to receive it. Thank you very much.
ReplyDeleteDavid F.: So true. That is how it should be. Thank you.
His Slut: My parents always put their marriage first and as their child I suppose I felt that I didn't ever want my children to feel alone, as I sometimes felt. And, we both so wanted a loving family. We both care so much about them. But, a marriage needs to be nurtured, for sure. There must be time alone to simply luxuriate in one another and we need to make sure that happens regularly. It's vital.
Serenity: You're very kind and I wish you a very happy festive season.
kiwigirliegirl: I definitely agree with you. I won't forget listening to him grunting in my ear with such abandon for a very long time. I was so happy that he was happy; so fulfilled that we were playing out this amazing scene that really touched both our souls. Thank you.